Welcome And The Real Goal

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Welcome to the Husband Material Podcast, where we help Christian men outgrow porn. Why? So you can change your brain, heal your heart, and save your relationship. My name is Drew Boa, and I'm here to show you how. Let's go. Today we are talking about how so many movies minimize betrayal, especially sexual and romantic betrayal. I have learned so much about betrayal trauma over the last few years, and understanding more about what the wives of the men in our community go through has been eye-opening. Now, betrayal trauma happens to men too, and in some of the movies we'll talk about today, men are the ones being betrayed. Regardless,

Trigger Warning And A Better Lens

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I want to give you a trigger warning because this episode may trigger shame or frustration for any married man who feels villainized by his wife, feeling like I'm bad, it's all my fault, I'm the problem. Our goal is not to blame anyone here, but to explore the messages that we sometimes don't even think about from media and to encourage self-examination. And my hope is that we will all begin to understand betrayal better, whether your own experience of betrayal, betrayal that you have caused, or just being able to look at movies with a more critical lens. The more I learn about trauma, especially betrayal trauma, the more I think critically about some of the movies I'm watching, because the truth is, many movies minimize, justify, or even celebrate betrayal, deception, infidelity, even sexual and romantic betrayal. Breaches of trust are often reframed as the result of wounds or loneliness or good intentions or even a journey of self-discovery. In this episode, I will share five examples of movies that have deeply disturbed me because of some of the messages that they teach. Messages that I didn't see years ago when I first saw these films. But more recently, now that I'm trauma-informed, I cannot unsee some of these things. And I hope that this is helpful for you. And you may even think of other movies, other stories, maybe even books, that you want to think twice about through the lens of understanding betrayal trauma. Let's

Aladdin And The Lie For Love

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start with Aladdin, a classic Disney movie, one that I grew up watching and enjoying, and a great example of a common theme in movies: lie for love. Aladdin repeatedly lies about his identity, his wealth, his status, or lack thereof. There are two times in the movie when Aladdin asks Jasmine, Do you trust me? Once when they're escaping from the palace guards, once when he's about to take her on a magic carpet ride. He is gaining her trust while also abusing her trust. And after the carpet ride, when she rips off his hat and realizes that he's not who he said he was, he lies again. And Jasmine believes him again. And then later toward the end of the movie, Jasmine actually says to Aladdin, I'm sorry I doubted you. The truth is, Jasmine was right to doubt Aladdin the entire time. And yet her own intuition is invalidated. This movie communicates the implicit message that it's okay to hide, lie, and manipulate someone else you romantically desire. That's the lie for love idea. And it also frames doubt about a romantic partner who has deceived you as a fault rather than a natural and even important reaction. Aladdin is a great example of the charming deceiver character, someone whose serious character issues and sins are overlooked because of his charisma. This does not just happen in kids' movies.

The Music Man And Zero Accountability

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A musical that I saw a couple years ago called The Music Man not only justifies the Charming Deceiver, but actually celebrates and encourages this type of behavior. The music man himself, Professor Harold Hill, is a scammer who exploits vulnerable towns for financial gain by convincing them that they need a marching band, and then promises to teach the children how to play their instruments using his so-called think system, even though he cannot even read a note of music. And while he is deceiving everyone, Marion, the town librarian, falls in love with him and then goes so far as to publicly defend him when his scheme is revealed in the end. She tells the whole town he's a liar and a cheat, but he's given this town something to believe in. His fraud is forgiven, not just by Marion, but by everyone because he inspired people with a lie. There is zero accountability for him. The movie ends with the children starting to play their musical instruments and not being able to hit a single note they sound horrible while Harold Hill is somehow held up as a hero. What's the message? Apparently, a beautiful lie is better than a boring truth. And while that may seem like an extreme example, think about what happens in churches when an inspiring, charismatic leader who's influencing lots of people toward evangelism or understanding God better or starting a revival is discovered to have a secret sexual life. Being inspirational is not an excuse for abuse. Giving people something to believe in does not make lying, cheating, or exploiting anyone okay. And while these first two examples focus on male characters, it's not just men. The next two movies I want to highlight actually celebrate infidelity by women. In

Sleepless In Seattle And Emotional Cheating

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Sleepless in Seattle, Annie is engaged to be married to Walter. Throughout the film, she spends weeks emotionally cheating on her fiance when she becomes obsessed with a man across the country. He's a grieving widow, his name is Sam. She eventually stalks Sam and lies to her fiancé Walter about where she is. In the end, Annie finally tells Walter about the truth of what she has been doing. And how does Walter respond when he finds out? This part blew my mind. He gracefully validates her behavior and lets her go with a smile. No anger, no heartbreak, no shock or trauma. What's the message here? Apparently, betrayed partners like Walter should be expected to not only be unaffected by these behaviors, but to even support them. Sleepless in Seattle promotes the toxic idea that emotional affairs can be appropriate and redemptive, part of a journey of self-discovery. From my perspective, Annie's obsession with Sam seems addictive. Annie's choice to stalk Sam is totally inappropriate, and yet in the movie, Annie asks her best friend, Am I crazy? And her best friend says, No. In the end of the movie, Annie and Sam go off together for a happily ever-after marriage, and she becomes the new mother to Sam's son. But in real life, that level of infatuation and obsession is short-lived and probably will move on to someone else rather quickly. In other words, those kinds of unhealthy patterns don't just magically go away, but in a lot of these movies, future integrity is just assumed. In real life, characters like Annie or Harold Hill or Aladdin have a lot of internal work to do if they are going to actually grow into the type of person who can have integrity, especially in their relationships. A lot of romantic comedies revolve around deception, and many of them celebrate it.

Sweet Home Alabama And Double Infidelity

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Sweet Home Alabama celebrates cheating on multiple men. At the start of the film, the main character Melanie accepts a high-profile marriage proposal from Andrew in New York, while hiding the fact that she is still legally married to her high school sweetheart, Jake, back in Alabama where she grew up. In Alabama, while Melanie is trying to force Jake to sign the divorce papers, she and Jake share an intimate kiss while she is still wearing another man's engagement ring. Technically, because Melanie never finalized the divorce, she spent the first half of the movie cheating on her husband with her fiance, that's Andrew, and the second half of the movie cheating on her fiance with her husband, Jake. In this movie, emotional and even physical infidelity is encouraged. And the last movie I want to highlight seemed perfectly normal to me while I was growing

Beauty And The Beast As Covert Abuse

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up. And even as an adult, I didn't see major problems with it until I was talking to a betrayal trauma expert, and she helped me see that this movie not only normalizes deception, but other kinds of abuse and sets really horrible expectations for women. And that movie is Beauty and the Beast. I'm guessing most of you know the story. He aggressively yells at her. He terrifies her until she is afraid for her life and flees the castle to be attacked by wolves. And then the beast saves her life from the wolves that he drove her into in the first place. So he basically almost kills her and then is seen as her hero. But even more than the abusive behavior of the beast, there is a massive power imbalance throughout the entire film because the whole castle staff, Lumier, Cogsworth, Mrs. Potts, they all have a secret agenda for Belle to fall in love with the beast. So she is being used, even though she knows nothing about it. Belle ultimately saves the beast and transforms him into a good, kind, safe man and fulfills everyone's wishes. So let's think critically about what this movie is trying to teach us. Well, among other things, apparently, a beautiful, nurturing woman can cure the man who is abusing her, even if he and his entire community are still keeping secrets from her.

What Rebuilding Trust Really Requires

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In each of these five movies, deception is downplayed. Forgiveness and trust are rushed, and future integrity is assumed. In real life, deception is serious. And it's not just sinful, it's abusive. In real life, forgiveness is not a single moment, it's a process. And so is trust. In a lot of these movies, forgiveness and trust come one right after the other. In real life, rebuilding trust may or may not happen. And it takes time, it takes work, and it requires evidence that real change is happening. And in real life, the future integrity of the person who did the betraying is not a guarantee. It should not be assumed, even if they're doing the work. In real life, developing integrity takes hard work, it takes community, it takes healing, it takes a lot of growth. But that doesn't fit nicely into movie storylines either. I wonder if you can think of any other movies or stories that minimize betrayal, deception, abuse.

Next Steps Resources And Closing

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Think about it and let us know in the husband material community. And if you're feeling challenged or convicted about your own patterns of hiding, lying, and deception, check out my episode that we have a link to in the description called How to Stop Hiding and Lying. If you're thinking about telling your significant other the truth about your relationship with porn and your sexual story, check out our episode called How to Tell Her About the Porn Full Disclosure. And if you want to learn more about sexual betrayal trauma, how to heal from it, check out some of our awesome episodes and recommended resources in the links below. At Husband Material, we are not only focused on helping you get free from unwanted sexual behavior and porn. We also want to help you learn how to stop hiding and lying so that you can tell the truth, so that you can become a man of integrity. And ultimately, so that you can live in alignment with your true identity. Always remember you are God's beloved son, and you, he is well pleased.