Speaker 1: 0:31

Welcome to the Husband Material podcast, where we help Christian men outgrow porn. Why? So you can change your brain, heal your heart and save your relationship. My name is Drew Boa and I'm here to show you how let's go. Today, we're talking about hiding and lying, one of the most important areas to focus on for men outgrowing porn. I have helped a lot of guys outgrow porn and I have helped a lot of guys learn how to stop hiding and lying about it. Becoming honest, transparent and vulnerable is absolutely essential to outgrowing porn and becoming a mature man who is trustworthy in a relationship, and it is also extremely difficult if you have spent years and years learning how to hide and lie. And before we go any further, I want to pause and say wow, if you have an issue with hiding and lying, especially about porn, the fact that you're listening to this episode is so brave. Thank you for trusting me as someone who can help you with this, and I promise to be gentle and curious and compassionate and kind as we explore what might be underneath this tendency to hide and lie.

Speaker 1: 2:07

Maybe you have found yourself hiding from your wife or your girlfriend hiding from your wife or your girlfriend. Maybe you have found yourself hiding from other men or recovery groups. You may have lied to your accountability partner about needing to unlock your phone, or you may even have an issue with self-deception. Many of us are hiding from ourselves or we're lying to ourselves about our issues. For some of us, this pattern of hiding and lying is so deeply entrenched that we don't always realize when we're doing it. We might not even be aware that we're hiding or lying or leaving out important parts of the truth. Be aware that we're hiding or lying or leaving out important parts of the truth. So, whether you want to be more honest and vulnerable with the woman you love, with other men in your life or even with yourself, in this episode you will learn what's really going on when you're hiding and lying, why this pattern developed and, ultimately, how to change it. I'm going to lead you in an experiential exercise and in the end, I'll give you some imagination for what it might look like to transform this part of you, and that is going to be beautiful. And as we talk about the need to stop hiding and lying and to tell the truth, I also feel it's important for you to have a warning that if you are keeping intimate secrets from your wife or your fiance, or even your girlfriend. You want to make sure that you don't simply dump all of your secrets onto them without giving them support. And if you want to learn more about what that can look like, listen to my episode on how to tell her about the porn. Full disclosure with Dan Drake and Janice Cottle.

Speaker 1: 4:16

Let's start by talking about what we are really doing when we hide and lie. Underneath the surface of this behavior is an instinct toward protection. Hiding and lying is almost always about protection. You might picture it like a shield that you're carrying around. You might picture it like a mask that you're wearing so that you pretend to be someone you're not. Or you might picture this protection as retreating inside a force field and keeping everyone else out. While this shield may seem to protect us, it's also a very heavy shield to carry around and it's often hurting others in the process. This mask may seem really impressive on the outside and at the same time, it prevents the real person underneath from being known and loved. As John Lynch says in the book the Cure, when I wear a mask, only the mask receives love.

Speaker 1: 5:25

So when we wear a mask and when we hide and lie, we not only don't allow ourselves to be known and loved, we also deceive others into thinking that they know the real me, when really they don't. They don't know the person, they just know the persona. And when we hide and lie as a way of trying to retreat inside a force field where I can't get hurt, man, it's actually quite exhausting to maintain that force field. When you're trying to keep up all these lies and stay in control, it's exhausting. And if you're hiding and lying about porn to the person you love, you're not just creating a force field around yourself, you're also creating a prison cell that that other person doesn't even know they're in. So if all of that is true, why do we feel the need to hide and lie and try to protect ourselves?

Speaker 1: 6:22

Many of us don't really want to be hiding and lying, but we feel like there's no other option because of fear. Could be the fear of rejection, could be the fear of failure, could be the fear of hurting someone else by telling them the truth. My guess is that if you're listening to this episode, you already know that hiding and lying is harmful. At some level you want to stop, but there's a part of you that's afraid to be honest. There's a part of you that's afraid to be honest. There's a part of you that's afraid to put down your shield or take off your mask or step outside of that force field. It's scary you might be rejected, you might lose a relationship, you might lose a job, you might lose a lot of things. And that fear is real. That risk is real.

Speaker 1: 7:19

Why is it so hard for us to stop hiding and lying? The short answer is because we learned to do it, oftentimes from a very young age. Some of us learned to hide and lie from our parents, and this is a little bit counterintuitive, because it's often the parents who seemed perfect and morally pure who are actually the best hiders and liars. If you grew up believing that your parents had no flaws or that they were very nearly perfect, then you grew up in a family where you were incentivized to hide and lie to maintain a polished image, just like the image your parents presented to you. In a family where people are vulnerable and they admit their mistakes and everybody knows that they're broken, there's more incentive to be vulnerable and to tell the truth. But in a system where the people who are showing you how to be a human are keeping their sins and flaws and failures a secret, you learn to do the same thing.

Speaker 1: 8:46

Some of us were punished for telling the truth, some of us were rejected for being vulnerable, and so it makes a lot of sense that we learned to hide and to lie. Especially if you grew up in purity culture or an environment of toxic shame and sexual repression, you probably felt the need to hide your sexual thoughts and feelings, and probably for some very good reasons, and it has probably worked to a degree to keep you safe from getting hurt in various circumstances. Just like the pattern of watching pornography, the pattern of hiding and lying helped us survive when we were little, and it's also killing us and destroying our lives as adults Killing us and destroying our lives as adults. So, in order to learn how to stop hiding and lying, we are going to work with this through the exact same approach that we use for getting lasting freedom from porn, and that can be summarized with this one sentence Heal the boy, to free the man.

Speaker 1: 10:10

Underneath this tendency to hide and lie, there is a little boy who feels afraid. He could be afraid of any number of things, and your ability to outgrow this behavior depends on your relationship with that boy, on your relationship with that boy. That boy is not bad. Feeling the need to hide or lie is normal. It's not bad. There's no such thing as a bad thought or feeling. What we do with those thoughts and feelings can be good or bad. So what will you do with the part of you that wants to hide or lie? Will you condemn this part of you? Will you let it control you, or will you try and exercise with me of coming close to this little boy and getting to know him a little bit so that you can create some space for healing and growth?

Speaker 1: 11:10

If you're willing to try something new out on this podcast, I would like to lead you in an exercise that I often do with my clients who want to stop hiding and lying. It's rooted in internal family systems, also known as IFS. It's a little exercise called the six Fs, and if you want to learn more about the six Fs, you can go down to the show notes and in the description you'll find a link to a website where you can get these six F steps and potentially go through them on your own your own. I'm going to lead you through a version of them, which is basically a way of saying we are going to ask some questions to befriend this part of you, to build trust with this part of you, rather than fighting a battle against it, we're going to work with it, and that's a very different approach. I understand that you may be listening to this episode in a place where you're not really able to engage with this exercise or you may not feel safe to do so. In that case, I encourage you to just listen. Even if you're not able to go through this exercise and answer these questions, let them give you some imagination for a different way of relating to yourself.

Speaker 1: 12:26

Ready, if you feel relatively safe and stable and centered, I want to invite you to find a place to sit comfortably, open your eyes or close your eyes, whatever is most comfortable for you. And let's start by taking a few deep breaths and, as you breathe, notice the breath moving in and out and bring a little bit of kindness to yourself. And when you're ready, I invite you to focus on the part of you that feels the need to hide or that feels the need to lie. Where do you feel that part of you in your body? And if you don't know, that's okay. What do you want to call this part of you the hider, the liar, the little boy. Choose whatever name feels right.

Speaker 1: 13:52

If this part of you could talk, what would it say? What are the thoughts that go through your mind? What does this part of you want to do? Simply notice, without judgment. When did you first learn to hide or lie? If you focus on that feeling of needing to hide and needing to lie, when have you felt that way before? When did this part of you begin to feel that need? Where did this pattern begin for you? Notice. Whatever comes into your mind Could be thoughts, images, memories.

Speaker 1: 15:10

Take a moment to notice how you feel toward this part of you. How do you feel toward this boy? Do you feel angry at him? Do you feel afraid of him? Do you feel ashamed about this part of you? If you feel anything other than curiosity and compassion, I invite you to see if those feelings would be willing to separate from you just for a few minutes, so that you can come close to this part of you with love. If you're not able to do that, you may not want to move forward with this exercise. If you're not able to do that, you may not want to move forward with this exercise.

Speaker 1: 16:08

If you are able to set aside those feelings of anger or fear or shame, then check in again with yourself and see if you can access some curiosity and compassion for this little boy, this part of you that learned to hide and lie boy, this part of you that learned to hide and lie. Does it make sense to you why the shield is there, why the mask is there, why the force field might be there? This might sound weird, but you have a chance to connect with this little boy and see what he might need to put down the shield or to take off the mask or to step out of the force field. If you have a sense of that little boy, enter his world and take a moment to just be with him. If you can see the moment when he felt the need to hide and lie, can you join Him there and just be with Him. Don't come too close but don't stay too far away. You have nothing to do right now. You have nothing to say right now. You have nothing to say right now. There's no agenda. Just be with him and see what happens.

Speaker 1: 17:36

If you're picturing a shield or a mask or a force field, just be with it and notice whatever comes up. Is he aware of you? If so, how is he reacting to you? If he doesn't feel safe with you, give him some space. If he feels a desire to be close to you, then let that happen in whatever way feels right. You may want to look into his eyes or give him a hug. You may want to just hold him. What does he want you to know? And, perhaps most importantly, what is he afraid of? Why does he feel the need to hide? Why does he feel the need to lie? Why does he feel the need to hide? Why does he feel the need to lie? Don't try to come up with the answer. Just notice whatever comes into your mind and allow yourself to be with this boy, to be with this part of you. Really listen to his heart, hear what is underneath all of this and what does he need? What does he need from you? Acceptance, safety, reassurance, affirmation, acceptance, safety, reassurance, affirmation, support, whatever he needs. See if you can give that to him. And if this is not resonating with you, or if you feel like you can't do this on your own, there's nothing wrong with you. Or if you feel like you can't do this on your own. There's nothing wrong with you. It can be really helpful to do this with a trained counselor or therapist or coach.

Speaker 1: 19:57

If you do feel like you're able to engage with this exercise, I want to give you some options for how to end it with some redemptive imagination. You now have a relationship with this part of you, this little boy who historically has felt the need to hide and to lie. You've been getting to know him for a few minutes and building some trust with him just by being with him. Building some trust with him just by being with him. His desire for safety and protection is good. See if you can affirm that for him and bless his good desire to protect you or to protect others. Check in with him to see how he feels about hiding and lying. It's what he knows. It's familiar. It seems safer than telling the truth, being honest and vulnerable. Validate that and see if he might be interested in trying a new strategy for protection, maybe a way of keeping you safe that doesn't require him to carry a heavy shield or to wear this stifling mask or to maintain this force field. He's probably been working really hard to try to keep you safe. See if he might be open to a new strategy that would be easier and more effective.

Speaker 1: 21:54

Here are three different ideas you might want to try. You may want to give him a new job. Maybe, instead of only focusing on protecting you, he could expand that job to also protecting the people you love. He can do that by telling the truth. If you picture him having a shield, maybe, instead of holding that shield between you and the person you love, maybe you could wrap that shield around the person you love so that you're both being protected in the shield of truth instead of this shield of hiding and lying. That can only cover you and it can't cover you fully, but the truth will set you free. Telling the truth may seem harmful, but it's actually the best protection in the world, but it's actually the best protection in the world. The truth will set you free. The truth will keep you safer and it will keep the people you love safer than hiding or lying ever could.

Speaker 1: 23:18

You may also want to give this part of you a new name. Maybe you could rename the liar as the truth teller. Maybe you could rename the hider as the healer, or, if you picture this part of you as a shady character or a secret keeper. Maybe you can rename him as a security guard whose job is to keep you and others safe by telling the truth. So you may want to give him a new job, you may want to give him a new name and, lastly, you may want to give him a new job, you may want to give him a new name and, lastly, you may want to introduce him to someone else whose job it is to keep you safe your true savior, jesus Christ. He is your defender. He is your protector. He is your advocate defender. He is your protector. He is your advocate. Will you trust him to protect you and to keep you safe?

Speaker 1: 24:26

If you tell the truth, you make yourself vulnerable and you take the redemptive risk of being honest. There is someone who still is 100% committed to your safety. He's your Savior. That's His job to keep you safe with you. See if this little boy might be willing to let Jesus take over this job of keeping you safe and protecting you, is this part of you willing to trust Jesus or to let him take over for a little while? If not, that's okay. Just continue to allow this experience to unfold. Let it happen.

Speaker 1: 25:30

However, it needs to happen for you as we bring this experience to a close, check in with this part of you, or this little boy who once learned how to hide and lie to survive. How's he doing, how's he feeling Once again? What does he need from you and what will help him feel safe enough to tell the truth, to be honest and vulnerable when he needs to be? Take note of that and whenever you're ready, you can bring this experience to a close. Thank you again for being willing to stay with me through this exercise. I hope it was helpful for you and if it wasn't, I would recommend finding someone who can guide you through this type of experience. If you really want to do it but you felt like you couldn't do it on your own. Husband Material is a place where we have certified coaches who can help you do this work, and our main program, husband Material Academy, is opening up in one month, and that's a place where you can witness this type of work every week.

Speaker 1: 27:05

My friend, no matter how long you have been hiding or lying, especially about porn, you can remove the shield, you can take off the mask, you can step out of the force field and allow yourself to be loved when you find that safety and protection that's available to you In Jesus, in your adult self, in your brothers, who are behind you and beside you on this journey.

Speaker 1: 27:40

You can tell the truth and if you feel like you're ready to take a redemptive risk, I have a challenge for you. Sometime in the next few days, practice telling the truth about something seemingly small that you might usually hide or lie about, and see how it goes. In everyday situations. There are often little details that we leave out. Take a redemptive risk and be a little more honest and vulnerable than you usually would be. Again, the fact that you listened to this episode is so brave and worth celebrating Today. I hope you got some insight into what is underneath this tendency for hiding and lying, where it comes from and how to work with this part of you in a way that's full of love and acceptance and empowerment and healing. Remember, heal the boy to free the man, and always remember you are God's beloved son. In you he is well pleased.