Welcome And Identity Anchor

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Welcome to the Husband Material podcast, where we help Christian men outgrow porn. Why? So you can change your brain, heal your heart, and save your relationship. My name is Drew Boa, and I'm here to show you how. Let's go.

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Today we are talking about 14 ways to live like a beloved son. In every episode, I always remind you guys that you are God's beloved son, and in you he is well pleased, because that is your true identity, and that is the most powerful truth I've ever heard to outgrow porn, to find lasting freedom. And while it might sound really nice, it also brings up questions like what do you do with that? What does it look like to live like a beloved son? And that's why in this short episode, you will get 14 answers showing you what it means to live like a beloved son of the Most High King and how that changes everyday life. Ready? Let's go. The

Play And Heal The Boy

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first way to live like a beloved son that I often tell my clients and friends is to play. Play is so underrated. Play is how fathers connect with their sons. It's part of how they teach their sons that they are worth loving, that they are worthy of joy, that there is goodness and grace and freedom, and they can just play. This is part of what it means to be a son instead of a slave. Slaves don't get to play. They don't get a break from work. Even servants who get a break from work finish their job and then they go home. But my friend, you are more than a slave. You are more than a servant of God. You are a son of a father who loves you and delights in you and wants to spend time with you. And a huge part of what it means to be a son is to play. Instead of constantly performing at home, at work, at church, a huge part of what it means to live like a beloved son is to play. And that may be on your own, that may be with other people, but find some activities that you deeply enjoy, perhaps that you haven't done in years, things that you would have loved to do as a boy or that you used to love and that you've forgotten about or you've deprioritized. At Husband Material, we talk a lot about the inner child because we know it's not men who get hooked on porn, it's boys. So we need to heal the boy to free the man. And play can be so healing. Especially if you do an activity that your inner child gets excited about, you're building trust within yourself that can help you outgrow porn. The second way to live like a beloved son, I want to highlight, is rest.

Sabbath Rest That Calms Urges

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And by rest, I don't mean doing absolutely nothing and making yourself bored. What I mean is refilling, refreshing, rejuvenating your soul. And the Bible commands us to rest one day a week. It's called the Sabbath, and it's an amazing gift. The Sabbath is not a burden. The Sabbath is an incredible blessing, allowing our brains and bodies and every part of us to have some time for joy, for connection, for play. And it requires some boundaries around work. And I actually believe that sometimes the really strong sexual urges we feel are a protest against a lack of rest, against a lack of comfort and healthy soothing. If you have been working like a slave, trying to perform in every area of life, maybe the closest thing to kindness that you would ever give yourself is the comfort of self-soothing and fantasy and masturbation. Many of you have heard me say that porn is a pacifier for soothing pain and unmet childhood needs. Yet porn is also sometimes a protest. You might tell yourself, I'm fine, everything's fine, but it's not. And when it's not, the part of you that says, actually, I'm not fine, might protest through an urge to use porn, which is why rest is so important. Without rest, you will inevitably become frustrated, exhausted, stressed out, burned out, and the need to numb will intensify. The desire to escape will start to escalate. And sooner or later those sexual urges will set in. So that's why rest is so important. It's for you, just you, because you are God's beloved son. And as Psalm 127 says in the message paraphrase, it's useless to rise early and go to bed late and work your worried fingers to the bone. Don't you know God enjoys giving rest to those he loves? And while rest might sound nice in theory, when you actually get close to creating the space for yourself to rest, it feels like a

Redemptive Risk Then Ask And Share

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risk. And that's why the third way to live like a beloved son is risk. And when I say risk, I don't mean doing reckless or foolish things. What I mean is allowing yourself to tolerate uncertainty. For example, let's say you want to take a day of Sabbath to play and rest. You might risk disappointing people at work who expected you to be available. You might plan an enjoyable outdoor activity and then find that it is raining and thunderstorming all day. When we open ourselves up to goodness and kindness and care, we also open ourselves up to disappointment and fear and potential hurt. And that's part of why our identity as beloved sons is an anchor that can allow us to adventure because we know that no matter what happens when we put ourselves out there at the end of the day, our identity is secure. Knowing in your bones that you are God's beloved son gives you the capacity to take redemptive risks. And one of those risks, that is the fourth way to live like a beloved son, is to ask. To ask for what you want, to ask for what you need. This is called being assertive, and it is something that many of us never learned as kids. In fact, we learned the opposite of assertiveness. We learned to suppress and avoid what we really want and what we really need because we intuitively knew that it wouldn't make any difference. Many of us grew up believing that for one reason or another, what I want doesn't matter. And we learned to not ask for what we want, not ask for what we need. This is what we call avoidant attachment, learning to depend on yourself rather than anyone else. And it's a really great setup for isolated, secretive, self-reliant sexuality, which is exactly what porn provides. In our last episode, we talked about how to meet our unmet needs and find out what is my heart hungry for. Well, one of the skills that has helped me the most in outgrowing porn is learning how to ask another person for what we want and for what we need. You might even ask for a hug. You might ask for words of affirmation. That is something you can do, and it is something you are worthy of as God's beloved son. My friend, what you want matters. And instead of dampening your desires and pretending like you're okay and invalidating your own needs, you ask. And you can also share. This is the fifth way to live like a beloved son. Let's say you ask a friend to talk or to get together or to pray for you. Now you have an opportunity to share, to be vulnerable, to bring the darkness into the light. Instead of hiding or lying about what's really going on within you and what's really going on with your sexuality, when you share, you are living in alignment with the truth that you are God's beloved son. You are worthy of being known, seen, heard, accepted, cherished, and supported. On the one hand, being a beloved son gives you the confidence to be able to share. And on the other hand, it also gives you the sense of self-respect that you don't need to share with everyone. And you can be selective about who you open up to because you're worthy of that. And if you have never shared your full sexual story, or there are parts of your story that are still secrets, covered in shame, or maybe just the little details that you've never told anyone, my friend, you have an opportunity for healing there. As James 5:16 says, confess your sins and pray for one another so that you may be healed. And while sharing is such a powerful way to break the silence and release the shame that does not belong within us as beloved sons, you also need to feel it to heal it.

Feel Your Emotions To Heal

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This is the sixth way to live like a beloved son, to feel, to allow your emotions and even your sexual thoughts and feelings to exist, to complete your emotions by processing them, by listening to what they're trying to tell you. And I think this is one of the most underrated aspects of getting free from porn. We often find ourselves stuck in alexithymia. That is a fancy word that means I don't know how I'm feeling. And when you are stuck in that place, it is so easy to sexualize those feelings rather than to really get present to what is happening in my soul? What is happening in my brain and body right now? And if you could process those things every single time, would you ever use porn? It's a good question to ask yourself. You may envision the battle for your sexuality as your thinking brain versus your feeling brain, but it doesn't have to be that way. Your feelings are not the enemy, they are parts of you. And if you could simply think your way out of porn or talk your way out of porn or build better habits to get out of porn, you would have already done it by now. The only path to deeper healing is deeper feeling. And as a beloved son, you have total permission to feel, to allow your emotions to exist, to allow your sexual thoughts and feelings to exist. You don't need to replace them, you don't need to remove them. You can simply feel and heal. And I realize there could be a whole episode about what that means and what that looks like. And if you're curious about what I mean by that, feeling and healing, check out my episode, How to Desexualize Your Emotions. And you can find a link to that episode in the description for this one. Now, when you start to allow yourself to feel your true feelings, you open yourself up to the seventh way to live like a beloved son, which is to love.

Love Over Shame And Control

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And maybe this seems obvious. To love God, to love others, to love yourself, to love this world. Part of the reason why it's so important for us to really feel our feelings is to allow ourselves to simply love and be loved. Think about sadness. What is sadness? I actually view emotions as indicators of what and who we love. Think about sadness. It's love in the face of loss. Something or someone I love has been lost. And so I feel sad. Think about anger. Anger is love in the face of injustice. It's that sense that something is not right. And either on my behalf or on someone else's behalf, I'm getting fired up about it. That's a form of love. And joy is love being fully expressed when there's enough safety and peace and connection to support it. The opposite of love is not fiery hatred. It's cold indifference. And that is the path to porn. The path to freedom is not based on fear or shame or control. It's based on love, which requires us to feel our feelings like loneliness or anxiety. But here's my point: you are a beloved son. It is your job to open your good heart to receive love and to overflow love. And emotional processing is an essential part of that. So far, most of my suggestions on how to live like a beloved son have been relational, but not necessarily embodied.

Hugs And Healthy Touch

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And that's why number eight matters so much. The eighth way to live like a beloved son is to hug. Christian men, we need this. We are some of the most touch-deprived people in the world, especially if you live in Western culture. Scientific and psychological research have demonstrated the power of healthy, safe, physical touch. And when you don't have that, not just for days, but for weeks or months, it makes sense that you would feel the intense urge to touch yourself sexually. This is a tricky topic. And if you want to hear more about it, go down to the link in the description to our episode on appropriate touch between men. For now, I simply invite you to ask yourself, how many hugs do you enjoy per day? How many hugs do you wish you could enjoy per day? Think about hugs with humans and also perhaps a hug with a dog. I know for some of you, having a pet, especially a furry, cuddly, securely attached pet, can help to meet this need for touch and for safe connection. Enjoying appropriate physical touch is not a luxury, it is a core human need, and it is your birthright as a beloved son. But you are not merely a receptacle or a bundle of needs that other people can potentially

Give Purpose Then Learn Receive

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fill. You are also a giver. And as a beloved son, the ninth way to live in alignment with the truth of your identity is to give. My friend, you have something to offer. There is a unique way you reflect the image of God in this world that no one else can do but you. So to give, to overflow, to find a sense of purpose, of calling, of meaning is essential to living as a beloved son. And as you mature as a beloved son, you are no longer only focused on yourself. You are beginning to look outward, not just on what I can get from this life, but what I can give to others instead of taking. Life as a beloved son puts us in a proactive posture of giving, of looking outside ourselves, of meeting the needs of others, not out of obligation, but out of the overflow of what God has done in our lives. And while some of us need some encouragement to get out there and give, others of us need some encouragement to receive. And this is the tenth way to live like a beloved son. And I think it's even more difficult than giving. I have seen this over and over again in myself, with my clients, with the men of husband material. It is usually easier to give than it is to receive. Think about words of affirmation. Is it easier for you to speak words of affirmation to someone else, or to have someone else speak words of affirmation to you? Is it easier for you to be there for someone else who's struggling, or to allow someone else to be there for you when you're struggling? Perhaps the most difficult work we will ever do in this healing adventure is to receive, to allow ourselves to be loved and to believe that we're worthy of it. Life as a beloved son is not about achieving, it is about receiving.

Pray Trust Wait And Just Be

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And one of the most important ways we can set ourselves up to receive, not just from others, but from God, is the 11th way to live as a beloved son, which is to pray. If it's true that you are royalty, a beloved son of the Most High King, you have a connection with the King of the universe. He is always there, interested, involved, eager, completely emotionally present to the details of your heart and to your life. Why would you not communicate with him? Prayer is not a transaction, it is a transformational relationship with God, the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. And that is one of the most beautiful things about being a beloved son. We get to pray. And as we pray, we are invited into the 12th way to live like a beloved son, which is trust. Instead of trying to control our lives, trusting God with our lives, trusting others who have earned our trust, and increasingly learning to trust ourselves. Not saying we need to trust every thought or feeling that comes to us, but trusting our core. As a beloved son, you can trust that deep down who you are is good. Deep down, your divine desires are given to you by God. You can start to trust yourself in a redeemed way. And that doesn't contradict trusting God. In fact, Jenna Remersmo would say it's trusting the image of God within you. And this can be an antidote to the power of porn, which promises control. When we surrender control and choose to trust God, to trust others, to trust ourselves, we are living like beloved sons. And when that happens, porn has no place in our lives. I wish it was easier. I wish it was quicker. I wish there was some kind of magic formula that I could give you for how this all works, but there's not one. And that's why the 13th way to live like a beloved son is so important. Wait. Wait and wait. What I'm trying to say is wait on the Lord and be patient with yourself, because outgrowing porn is not a quick or easy process. And in that process, God is not in a hurry. And no matter how long it takes, he will bring us home to a place where one day everything sad will come untrue, and it will be impossible to sin. And all things will be well. And until then, we wait, we play, we rest, we risk, we ask, we share, we feel, we love, we hug, we give, we receive, we pray, we trust, and we wait. And the final 14th way to live like a beloved son is to be, to just be. You are a human being, not a human doing. There is nothing you can do to make God love you any less. There is nothing you can do to make God love you anymore. Ah breathe that in. And just be. As my favorite verse of the Bible says, the Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still. I want you to take a moment to consider which one of these words is for you right now. Play, rest, risk, ask, share, feel, love, hug, give, receive, pray, trust, wait, and be. Which one of those words stands out to you the most? Which one speaks to your soul right now? Which one will you prioritize this week? Whatever you choose, always remember, my friend. You are God's beloved Son, and in you he is well pleased.