Processing Emotions to Fight Porn

Speaker 1 0:01

Welcome to the Husband Material podcast , where we help Christian men outgrow porn . Why ? So you can change your brain , heal your heart and save your relationship . My name is Drew Boa and I'm here to show you how let's go . Today I have a new microphone , which is pretty exciting . I hope the audio quality is better for you all .

Speaker 1 0:26

Today we're talking about how to sexualize and desexualize your emotions . What does that mean ? Why would I want to sexualize my emotions , and can I really desexualize them ? In this episode , you'll find out how sexualizing happens , why we sexualize our emotions and how to desexualize them . First , what does it mean to sexualize an emotion ? Well , it really means converting emotional energy into erotic energy , and guys those of us who often feel very strong sexual urges are doing this all the time automatically , without knowing it . It's an automatic process . It's not something we consciously think about , but it happens . Let me tell you how it happens .

Speaker 1 1:09

Have you ever noticed what happens when you're super stressed out , constantly under pressure , at home , at work , maybe even at church ? You're anxious , you're on edge , you know that things are not right . You're not sure what's going to happen . You know that things are not right . You're not sure what's going to happen . That fear can often become sexualized . What we think of as a strong sexual urge might actually be an emotion that I'm not aware of or that I'm not allowing myself to feel . So that's sexualized fear .

Speaker 1 1:59

What about shame when you're feeling so bad about yourself that you just want to hide and push people away and push God away ? Try to be as emotionally unaffected by your life as possible . Those emotions have no place to go . When there is no physical , relational , emotional release , what happens to that energy trapped in our body ? What happens to that energy trapped in our body ? Or what happens when you lose a place that you really loved or one of your best friends and you're no longer close anymore ? What happens when you lose a job ? What happens when you lose someone close to you , when you lose something or someone that you deeply love ? But then you proceed as if nothing happened . But then you proceed as if nothing happened . The sorrow will skyrocket your sexual energy unless you process it , unless you grieve , mourn , lament , release the energy trapped in your body .

Speaker 1 3:08

Over and over again , with my clients , with my fellow leaders and within my own life , I see a very consistent pattern Emotions will get released one way or another . Emotions will get processed one way or another . With porn , or with people with an orgasm , or with an outlet that actually allows you to digest what's happening in your life , allows you to digest what's happening in your life . We need to process our emotions , or else they will almost always become sexualized or go in some other direction to distract ourselves from them . For many people , unprocessed emotions fuel a different kind of urge Maybe the urge to incessantly check your phone , or the urge to eat more food than you really want to eat . Any kind of unwanted behavior is often the result of unprocessed emotions . Here's a little thought experiment for you If you were always able to process your emotions fully , would you ever sexually act out ? Hmm , interesting thought , right ? I'm not going to answer that question for you . I hope you can come to your own thoughtful answer .

Speaker 1 4:16

Regardless , the three great sexualizers are fear , shame and loss . Some of you might be wondering what about anger ? Often anger is a secondary emotion and underneath that anger is something that I'm afraid of happening fear or something that already happened that is devastating to me . So loss , or sometimes , underneath our anger at someone else , is actually shame about ourselves . So anger is often secondary to fear , shame and loss . Anger is often secondary to fear , shame and loss . Another emotion that can often be sexualized , too , is joy . When we don't allow ourselves to celebrate , to rejoice , I mean oftentimes a really good day and something wonderful happening can also be a trigger to sexually act out when we don't allow ourselves to fully embrace joy , because joy is vulnerable .

Speaker 1 5:03

There are all kinds of reasons why we sexualize our emotions . Here are some of the ones that I find to be most common . Many of us sexualize our emotions because we learned to do that in our family of origin . Maybe you grew up in a family where there was no space for emotions , or at the very least , there was no space for your emotions , or at the very least , there was no space for your emotions . Maybe it was your job to care for other people's emotions and yours were neglected . Or maybe you were emotionally abused . In fact , patrick Carnes' research shows that 97% of sex addicts have experienced emotional abuse , which is essentially saying don't feel that , stop feeling that , stop feeling that , don't cry , I'll give you something to cry about . I mean , not having space for our emotions is part and parcel of developing an addiction or developing an attachment to porn .

Speaker 1 6:01

Research by Peggy Orenstein found that girls in general grow up disconnected from their bodies , while boys , in general , grow up disconnected from their emotions , from their heart , from their deep feelings . Why , well , society has certain rules or expectations for what it means to be a man , and some of those are really toxic , like don't cry , be strong all the time , never show your weakness , don't be vulnerable , and so , for a lot of us , we feel like it's not okay to not be okay . We need to unlearn that , and that's one of the wonderful things about husband material is that , instead of stuffing our emotions , we welcome our emotions and our sexual thoughts and feelings too , and that's part of what it means to be a healthy , mature man to allow ourselves to feel . A lot of us have trouble with this due to alexithymia . Alexithymia is a fancy word that just means I don't know what I'm feeling . Alexithymia Alexithymia is a fancy word that just means I don't know what I'm feeling . So it can be very helpful to use a tool like the Feeling Wheel or the Feelings and Needs Inventory that I'm going to put in the description for this episode to help you , first of all , identify what you're feeling and then also process what you're feeling , because for so many of us . We just don't even know .

Understanding and Desexualizing Emotional Needs

Speaker 1 7:24

Personally , I experience alexithymia a lot . In fact , I don't often know when I'm feeling something really strongly until sexual temptation feels way more powerful . And then I'm like , oh my gosh , what am I really feeling ? Oh , I didn't realize that there was this fear or shame or loss or a combination of all of it , underneath what I just thought was a lot of sexual urges or some stronger fantasies , or maybe spending a lot more time on my phone . Oftentimes , without even realizing it , we are distracting ourselves from the truth of how we really feel .

Speaker 1 8:08

So far , I've shared a few different reasons why we sexualize our emotions , including how we grew up in our family of origin , society's rules for what it means to be a man , alexithymia , and also isolation . When you are isolated or you feel like you can't really count on anyone to be there for you or to handle your emotions , naturally those emotions will not have a place to go , a place to land , a place to be known , a place to be loved . We need community . A big reason for that is so that we process our emotions instead of sexualizing them . Another reason why we sexualize our emotions is pride Saying to ourselves and other people . I'm fine , I don't need anything , it's okay . Yeah , life is really hard but I'll be all right . I mean , if you are trying to do it all to please everyone or to achieve everything as a super version of yourself , sooner or later sexual thoughts and feelings will seduce your heart and maybe sexually acting out can actually destroy your pride in a good way and help you realize . You know what . I'm not fine . I do have needs . I have big emotions and they need a place to go Whenever I deprive myself of what I really need emotionally , relationally , physically and spiritually .

Speaker 1 9:40

When those streams dry up in my heart , it's so much easier to settle for a , and that's how sexualizing happens . Instead of realizing what we really need , we settle for a symbolic version of it through a sexual fantasy or a type of porn or masturbation , or all of them combined . We don't want to feel them . Sometimes the part of me that wants to watch porn or that wants to masturbate is actually protesting against the way that I've been treating myself , against the way that I've been depriving myself or against the way that I have been continuing to proceed without really showing kindness to myself or my own heart or allowing myself to be known or loved Guys , whatever you and I don't want to feel will often become sexualized . Now , I'm not saying that all sexual energy is emotional . Not all sexual energy is sexualized . It can be normal . Sexual pleasure is wonderful , especially when what arouses you lines up with what you desire . Arousal is amazing and at the same time , when you have unwanted arousal or the urge to use porn , that feels overwhelming , you know that you're dealing with some emotions underneath that that have become sexualized .

Speaker 1 11:12

We're talking about boys and how boys' brains work , and whenever we're talking about childhood needs and childhood experiences , I often find inspiration and wisdom in the words of Fred Rogers , also known as Mr Rogers . I watched a documentary about Fred Rogers and this is what he said at one point in the documentary that just stopped me in my tracks when a young child wishes for something that he or she doesn't have , that child will often create it by imagining it . That is exactly what happens when we sexualize our wishes , our desires , our needs , our emotions . It's a brilliant survival strategy for kids that gives them a version of what they want without actually getting what they want or risking getting what they want or choosing other , riskier , more destructive behaviors , and by sexualizing our trauma . I actually think we set ourselves up for healing later in life .

Speaker 1 12:21

Sexualizing is a brilliant survival strategy that allows boys to get a version of whatever they really need emotionally without actually getting it in real life , and these needs are incredibly important . So for a boy to at least have some shred of what his heart truly longs for can help him keep going . It can help keep a boy safe from other potentially riskier behaviors and it also keeps those deep emotional needs alive . I am in awe of how God designed our brains to have this capability , because when a boy sexualizes his emotions and the needs that he's not even aware of , those emotions and those needs stay alive in a sexual form until years later . As a man entering the process of healing , he can access those emotions , he can access those deeper needs , and the sexual temptations and fantasies are just a portal to his heart that he gets to rediscover as an adult . And guys , that's the journey we're going on in Outgrowing porn Finding out what were those deeper needs , emotions and desires that were preserved in the sexual form , and now what does it look like to desexualize them .

Speaker 1 13:43

Much of recovery depends on revealing your true needs and meeting those needs in a healthy way Processing emotions and learning how to do this as an adult , because we didn't really learn how to do it as boys without a sexualized solution . The assumption here is that oftentimes underneath our sexual thoughts and feelings are emotions , that the core of attachment to porn is not sexual , it's emotional . So when we create space for our feelings and process them in a healthy way , that energy that was once going toward fantasy and orgasm can now go towards a different kind of release . Here's the question we've been building up to in this entire episode how do you desexualize your emotions ? How do you desexualize your emotions ? Desexualizing means reconverting erotic energy back into its original emotional core . This does not happen automatically . It takes conscious thought , intentionality , effort . Often it happens in relationships with other people on the same recovery journey .

Speaker 1 14:57

Desexualizing is almost like translating what we're thinking and feeling sexually . If you've seen my main teaching on how to outgrow porn , which you can get at outgrowporncom , then you've probably heard me talk about Google Translate and hacking our sexual fantasies and translating what we see on the surface level to what's really going on underneath . And I think that's what desexualizing is all about . It's almost like having a little switch in my head where , when I have that sexual temptation or those thoughts and those fantasies that just feel so strong toward porn or some other unwanted sexual behavior , I do a little translation and I ask myself , hmm , where is this coming from ? What am I really feeling ? What is underneath this ? There's a little translate so that when I'm experiencing this overwhelming , out-of-control sexual attraction or urge , I'm now thinking , hmm , what's the emotional pain underneath this ? Why is this so powerful for me right now ? Emotional pain underneath this , why is this so powerful for me right now ?

Speaker 1 15:56

Here are some examples of what it might look like to desexualize emotions that have been converted into erotic energy . Let's say you are feeling this pull towards kissing , maybe towards watching people kissing in porn or towards hooking up with somebody , and kissing is really promising something to your heart . Maybe you do a little , hmm , translate . Why , what is the kissing all about ? Maybe it's all about intimacy . Maybe intimacy is the desire beneath that arousal . Okay , why ? Why am I desiring intimacy ? Because I feel alone . Wow , now I have found the emotional core underneath that sexualized solution .

Speaker 1 16:38

Let's think about nudity , whether it's voyeurism , watching other people who are naked , or exhibitionism and wanting to flaunt your own body . Okay , what is underneath that ? Let's do a little translate . Why nudity ? Maybe it's this desire to be seen . Hmm , why would I want to be seen ? Maybe because I feel invisible , because nobody understands me , because nobody really knows me , there's no vulnerability . Oh , that makes so much sense . Or maybe , for you , nudity is about being welcomed in . Maybe nudity is about being invited in why ? Maybe underneath that there's a feeling of being shut out and excluded .

Speaker 1 17:23

I'll give one more example Tickling . Maybe tickling is a part of porn or the fantasies that you have . Let me do a little translate . What is behind that , what is underneath that ? Maybe it's delight , maybe it's pleasure , maybe it's playfulness . Why , why would that be so powerful for me ? Because I feel dull on a daily basis , because I feel dead inside , because I feel like life is so serious and heavy and the tickling is a lightness , it's a freedom . Okay , now we have accessed the emotions . Okay , now we have accessed the emotions .

Speaker 1 18:03

Underneath the sexual pleasure that porn promises , we often find emotional pain points and it just takes a little bit of translation and a little bit of digging to discover what am I really feeling ? And once you realize how you're actually feeling and allow yourself to feel those things like feeling alone , invisible , shut out , feeling dull , dead or heavy whatever the emotions are fear , shame , loss then now you have an opportunity to meet those emotional needs , to satisfy your deeper desires . And when you do that , sexual thoughts and feelings are a lot less magical and a lot more manageable , because they're no longer mixed up with the emotional pain . They no longer have to pacify your pain . Your sexuality becomes a gift instead of a curse . You can just be a sexual person and not have to give in to the cravings all the time , because your sexuality no longer bears the burden of trying to help you feel better . That's a beautiful thing Feel it to heal it .

Speaker 1 19:16

My friends , this can happen through the small habits of processing your emotions , by calling a friend going out to exercise . Maybe you can process your emotions through journaling or through a group or coaching or counseling and that's a regular part of your life . Beyond the processing of everyday emotions , there are some emotions and some traumatic experiences that need more than just talking with a friend or going for a run , because those emotions are not adult emotions , they're the emotions of a little boy . When emotions feel really , really big , often they're rooted in trauma and you can release that trauma and release those emotions through internal healing experiences that we often do in one-on-one coaching or through redemptive experiences in a group or at a retreat or just in life . When you reverse the curse of your story , you can experience some pretty big breakthroughs that don't take away your emotions and they don't take away your sexual feelings , but they help them become right-sized . So instead of having a disproportionate intolerable emotion like fear , shame or loss , or having a disproportionate , irresistible sexual pleasure or fantasy , they become more manageable . Disproportionate , irresistible sexual pleasure or fantasy . They become more manageable . They become a lot easier to deal with .

Speaker 1 20:47

I want to give you an example of this from my life . At the most recent husband material leaders retreat , I brought something that I wanted to work on Shame about money and about losing things . Because when I was a little boy with undiagnosed ADHD , I lost so many things and in this process with the leaders at our retreat , I closed my eyes and I asked them to bring out a backpack , a phone keys , a wallet , books , clothes , all of the things that I used to lose as a kid , the things that I felt so much shame over because my parents got really angry at me and they humiliated me and over and over again . I began to believe that I was stupid , that I didn't love my parents because otherwise I wouldn't keep losing things . I believed that I would probably never have a real job or never be able to have a family . I think people in my family actually told me that they were like I don't know how you're ever going to get a real job because you keep losing things . And I just felt like such a burden , like I was always costing them money .

Speaker 1 22:04

And as all these objects were placed around me in my imagination , they felt so big and I let out this guttural agonizing scream . The emotions , the trauma started to release from my body . Through this scream , the anger , the shame , the loss , it all started coming out and I went on like that for a couple minutes and when I was done and I opened my eyes , I looked down at the ground and all these objects looked so much smaller . It was amazing . It was as if I had gone from a little boy , surrounded by these huge , scary things that were torturing me , to being an adult and seeing how , wow , my parents made this a really big deal , but it's actually kind of a small deal .

Speaker 1 23:04

Since that experience , my shame about money and about losing things has been a lot smaller . The emotion is more right-sized and when someone recently criticized me for a financial decision that I made that could have been a lot better I shrugged it off . It didn't devastate me , it didn't trigger me the same way as it used to , because I've been able to release that shame Physically in my body . I even had an experience earlier today where I was feeling so frustrated by trying to get a new driver's license and driving for an hour and didn't get the new license . After that failed attempt to get a new driver's license , I thought about going back to work , but I realized you know what . I really need a break . So I drove to my favorite trail here in Colorado , the Manitou Incline , and I hiked the trail . All of that energy got released through my body , the emotions were processed and when I came home I felt a lot better .

Speaker 1 24:14

Guys , we need to give ourselves grace and space to feel our emotions , to release the stress that's trapped in us , to give ourselves good things . And again , this can happen through small habits , like choosing to go for a hike when I'm really not okay , and it can happen through big breakthroughs , like what I talked about at the leaders retreat and releasing that scream and finding my emotions a lot more right-sized afterward At Husband Material . We can help you do both On an ongoing basis . We are processing our emotions in our Husband Material community , in our academy , and we are releasing trauma . We are healing the boy who feels some of those emotions that we still have as adults . And one of the most amazing places we do that is at our annual retreat . This year it's in Colorado and the deadline to get $100 off of your registration is June 8th and you can sign up now by going to husbandmaterialcom slash retreat . That is a place where we give ourselves space to feel , to play , to rejoice and also to grieve and to weep and to scream and do whatever we need to do in order to be integrated , healthy , mature men .

Husband Material Retreat

Speaker 1 25:36

If you've never been to one of these retreats , I would strongly recommend taking the risk to come and see what God might want to do .

Speaker 1 25:45

Strongly recommend taking the risk to come and see what God might want to do . You might find that deep-seated sexual thoughts and feelings and emotions can lose a lot of their power over you as a result of the work we do at this retreat . The retreat is a place where you can be filled up , where you can process what's still unprocessed in your life and come home a lot more like yourself , my friend . Through the regular habit of processing your emotions and through the redemptive experience of releasing your trauma , you can get to the emotional core of what it is that you really long for , underneath attachment to porn and any other unwanted sexual behaviors . I am so excited for you because you listened to this whole episode and I hope you got a lot out of it . And if you want to come to the Husband Material Retreat , I would love to see you there and do this deeper processing together in person . Always remember , my friend , you are God's beloved son . In you he is well-placed .