Speaker 1 0:01

Welcome to the husband material podcast where we help Christian men quit pornography so you can change your brain, heal your heart, and save your relationship. My name is drew boa and I'm here to show you how. Let's go. Today we're talking about urges. There are two types of sexual desires, aches and urges. We all have them. Aches are kind of like low burning desires in the background of your life, kind of like a river that's always flowing, but it never gets too strong and an ache. A sexual ache could be that feeling that you just want to hug from a friend or a family member or some physical touch or for an emotional connection or romantic connection. Maybe you have this ache for a boyfriend or a girlfriend and we all have aches. We also have sexual urges and these are not as common or as constant as our aches, but they are way more intense. They are sudden strong and short urges actually usually don't last for over half an hour. If you let them run their course and urges are what we are talking about today, specifically those urges that make you want to sexually act out and watch porn. So if you can learn how to manage those and how to overcome those, then quitting porn will be so much easier for you. For me personally in my story, when I started trying to quit porn, I didn't realize how strong my sexual urges were until I tried to resist them and then I was like, Whoa, these desires are way more powerful than anything I can handle. God, what am I supposed to do with them? Like if you created these urges and these aches and these sexual desires, and if they are good according to your design, then where do I put them as a single unmarried Christian. I asked myself these questions like if I'm not having sex and I don't have a girlfriend, then where do my sexual desires go? And I know many of you are struggling with this and feeling like you can't do anything against them. Like you're powerless to do anything when your urges take control. And that's how I felt too. It took me a few years to learn how to actually express and embrace my sexual desires in a way that's healthy and Holy without feeling the need to give in to them and without feeling controlled by them. And now I get to help other guys like you do the exact same thing. Listen to this quote from my client, Joshua. Joshua says, I don't have to fight this constant raging battle within myself over trying to stop looking at pornography and stop masturbating. No longer having a fight. That battle frees up a lot of energy to pursue the dreams and the joys that the Lord has actually given me. And that's what I want for you. I don't want you to feel so stressed out by constantly having to fight this raging battle against your sexual urges. What I want for you is feeling like you can move with your sexual desires because as long as you feel like you're always resisting them, then quitting is a losing battle. But if you feel like you can move with them and ride them, maybe even surf them, then it will be so much easier for you as a mindfulness teacher. John [inaudible] says, you can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. You can't stop the waves of your sexual urges and your aches and your feelings and your longings, but you can learn to surf them in a way that produces life in a way that's healthy and Holy. So that's what we're talking about today. I'm going to give you a strategy called urge surfing, and I know that is a weird title, but it'll make more sense. I'm going to give you three steps to learn how to ride out those sexual urges and let them run their course. Step one is to focus. Whenever you feel that sexual urge coming on, I want you to stop and focus on it, not fight it or try not to get distracted by it, but actually let it in. Say hello sexual urge, what's going on with you today? And you can feel in your body where those sensations are located. Maybe it's a burning feeling at the bottom of your feet or maybe it's just a heaviness in your chest. Name that as the psychologist say, name it to tame it. When you become aware of these things, they don't control you as much, so become aware of the location of the sensations in your body and then rate them on a scale of one to 10 how strong is that feeling? So it might go something like this. I feel a sense of fear in my lungs and it's about an eight just being able to focus on that and name it is the first step towards surfing an urge. Step two is to feel, just observe that urge and feel it as it changes. You might think, okay, it's beginning to build and Oh went down a little bit. Now it's going way out of control. I feel like it's cresting and in the moment it probably feels like this urge is getting so strong that if you don't do anything, it's going to destroy you or it's going to last forever. It's not urges usually only last about 30 minutes at the most, but in our body it feels like if we don't do anything, we're going to explode. Allow yourself to just feel the urge to notice it and to let it affect you a little bit. Not to fight it, fight it, fight it, resist, resist, desire , deny, distract, feel it. Step three is to sooth. Now I know some of you are thinking sooth . That's my problem. My problem is that I'm soothing. No, your problem is that you're using your sexual behavior. You're using porn to soothe yourself. There are so many different ways to sooth . What you need to do is identify, okay, what is the need beneath this urge? This urge is there for a reason. I don't necessarily know what your sexual urges are all about, but for me, sometimes it's the need for acceptance and it's that need to feel connected to somebody. So when I feel an urge, maybe I need to call my friend, maybe I need to get together with somebody who really knows him , loves me, or maybe it's that need just for physical sensation, for pleasure. In my body, which is a good thing. So I can go out and experience that by literally physically surfing or by playing Frisbee, going for a run. Sometimes I do it through playing music and playing my guitar, playing the piano. I don't know what it is for you, whether it's knitting or writing. Maybe you want to write a song or create something, but whatever it is for you, you have to get below the urge, down to the real need. Maybe it's that need for significance and you need to go out and do something helpful for somebody. It could even be a need for beauty. So create art, do something beautiful. Go watch the sunset, learn to soothe yourself in a healthy way and when you can focus on the urge, feel it and get to the need below it and then Sue that need in a way that works and gives you life, then you will get to this point of collaborating with your sexual desires rather than always competing with them. One time I took a surf lesson and my instructor was a classic surfer dude and he took me out in the waves and I was trying to paddle out and I was going directly against the waves and I felt like I was getting nowhere because I would make some progress and then a huge wave would come and set me back and I was fighting so hard and getting nowhere. So my instructor said to me, drew, stop competing with the ocean. You're never going to win. Start collaborating with the ocean. And that's what I want to tell you about your sexual desires. Some of your quitting porn, and you feel like you're getting nowhere cause you're fighting them. You're going directly against your sexual desires and you're getting nowhere. Maybe what you need to do is ask yourself, where are my sexual desires trying to take me? And then move with those waves a little bit so you can get to where you want to go. Collaborate with your sexual desires. You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. Question of the day, what helps you manage your sexual urges? And if you want to go deeper into this topic, then I invite you to not just consider your sexual urges, but your sexual fantasies so you can watch my free three part video series, the sexual fantasy framework, which I've done with Jay stringer. It's awesome, and you'll find that in the link for this episode. Always remember, no matter how strong your urges are, or no matter how deep your eggs are,

Speaker 2 8:38

you are God's beloved son in you. He is welcome .