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Welcome to the husband material podcast where we help Christian men quit pornography so you can change your brain, heal your heart, and save your relationship. My name is drew boa and I'm here to show you how, let's go. Today we're talking about triggers sexual and emotional triggers and triggers have been a huge part of my story because I've struggled with a sexual fetish. And if you don't know what that means, it means that I have been sexually attracted to something weird, something specific and peculiar. And so when I was trying to quit porn, things would set me off certain things and I never understood why things would turn me on and I would feel so ashamed and hate myself because I didn't want to be attracted to those things. But I was and it was so strong and I couldn't resist it. So when I had these feelings, there were two big questions on my heart. Number one, why do I like what I like? And number two, why do I hate what I hate? I didn't understand these things. And once I did, once I got to the root of my sexual triggers and got below the surface to the core of why those certain things were affecting me so much, my self hatred went way down and the triggers lost all their power. This has been the most powerful part of my healing process and I love helping guys get those breakthroughs where they can understand what their triggers were all about in the first place, and I do this using a tool I developed called the floss method. This is the most powerful tool that I use with my private coaching clients and I want to share it with you today because it will help you get to the bottom of your triggers. Now, why is it called the floss method? Well, it's because it helps you dig down deep to those hidden places in your brain where the surface level tools can't reach. I actually hate flossing. I like brushing and my toothbrushes is great. I use it multiple times a day, but it's a surface level tool. It only gets at the part that everybody can see. The part that nobody can see. You need floss for that, and I hate flossing because it's painful and because it's kind of gross, but it's exactly what you need to get below the surface of what's happening in your brain. You need a brain floss, so to speak. Loss is an acronym, F, L, O, S, S, and whenever you get triggered, I want you to go through these five letters. The first letter is F fear. F stands for fear, specifically fight, flight or freeze. Whenever you get triggered and something sets you off or turns you on, there is a fear response in your body and when that happens, we feel the need to control it. When you get triggered and it's overwhelming, we want to control it either by overpowering it, which is fight and maybe you get angry or through flight, more of an anxiety, anxious response where you want to run away, get away, flee or through freeze where it's too much and so you shut down and you retreat and you withdraw fight, flight, or freeze. Which one are you feeling in that moment when you get triggered? Which one is the fear response in your brain, in your body? I believe below every sin and especially sexual sin, there is always a deeper fear underneath it and below that fear there is a lie. That is the second letter L once you've named the fear n amed the lie that that fear is based on. Now when you're triggered, you might not even be able to do this cognitively, but at least ask yourself the question, what's the lie here and whether you can name it or not. Move on to the next two letters, O S which stands for origin story behind every trigger, behind every feeling of fear and the lies associated with it. There is a story, a memory that's going all the way back to when you were a little boy and that little boy is now showing up in the present moment. How do you find out what that origin story is? It's super easy. All you have to do is ask a very simple question. When have I felt this way before? The way memory works, the way your mind works. It will recall events and experiences that happened to you a long time ago when you felt this same feeling of fight or flight or freeze and it will take you back to those moments. Sometimes the Holy spirit reveals to you an origin story that you had never thought of before and that is a huge breakthrough when you're able to name, okay, what is the story behind this feeling that I have right now? There always is an origin story behind it and once you're able to name that, you can enter into the last letter S which stands for sadness. Once you've identified that origin story, go back to that little boy and love him. That origin story affected you and you need to be sad about it. You need to grieve. You need the lament and join with God's heart for you, which is one of love and compassion. When you can enter into sadness, the self hatred will begin to lift and that is such a beautiful thing and this is a completely different strategy for dealing with your sexual triggers. You're not trying to control them and you're not giving it to them either. You're asking, when have I felt this way before going deep into the origin story. And once you name that origin story, usually there was a lie attached to it and that's when you can go back and say, Oh, this was the lie. And that's a beautiful thing too. And then you can have sadness over the fact that that experience taught you that lie. And this is a huge part of the healing process and I hope it leads to breakthroughs for you as you practice the floss method. Now let me give you an example of what looks like to actually put this floss method into practice. One time I was on a trip and I was reserving an Airbnb for the night and I didn't get the exact one that I wanted. And so I had to end up paying $200 extra for that night. And I felt like I'd failed my family. And so I was like feeling so sexually triggered. This was the first time in a long time that I'd wanted to use porn again. So I use the floss method and ask, okay, F what is my fear right now? It was flight. I wanted to run away from the situation and get away from it. L what's the lie? Wasn't sure about the lie. So I went straight to origin story. One of I felt this way before, and this is what came up when I was a kid. I felt over and over again, like I was a financial burden on my family. And I remember , uh, losing so many items when I was a kid. And one time I lost one hockey skate. I was playing hockey as a kid and I lost one hockey skate. And my dad was so mad at me and I felt like I was a financial burden. And another time my parents bought me this really expensive book. Actually, it was my grandparents who bought me this really expensive book and I actually never read it. And so I felt like I was a financial burden to them. And that was the lie. That's where I needed to name was that I feel like a financial failure. And so for me not reserving that Airbnb in time costing us $200 I was going back to that place, that little boy who felt like a financial burden on the family. He was coming back into the present moment, and that's when I entered into sadness. I just started weeping because I didn't realize how much this was affecting me and I was so sad for that little boy and I talked to my wife about it and I just cried my eyes out, and that was me receiving God's love for me in that moment. Not trying to control my sexual behavior and not giving into it and indulging it either, but going below the surface of the trigger to what's really at the core. That's what floss is all about. Now you know the philosophy. Be sure to download the word sheets that you can practice on your own. Always remember, you are God's the lone son in you as well as least see you later.