Welcome And The Big Question

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Welcome to the Husband Material Podcast, where we help Christian men outgrow porn. Why? So you can change your brain, heal your heart, and save your relationship. My name is Drew Boa, and I'm here to show you how. Let's go.

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Today we're talking about a question I have been pondering for years. What is the difference between sexual secrecy and sexual privacy? Secrecy and privacy have a lot in common. They both involve withholding information, but for very different reasons and with very different consequences. Secrecy is harmful. Privacy is healthy. Secrecy will keep you trapped in a cycle of shame, porn, and unwanted sexual behavior. Eventually, it can destroy you and your closest relationships. Privacy will help you heal. It will protect your personal space and respect others. I find that teaching kids about sexual privacy and secrecy is fairly simple. We encourage privacy by teaching kids that certain parts of the body are private. We discourage secrecy by telling them if you ever see bad pictures online or if somebody ever touches you inappropriately, don't keep it a secret. Tell mom and dad it's okay, you're not in trouble, you're safe. And that's how we encourage privacy and discourage secrecy with kids. But with adults, it's more nuanced and complicated. That's why I have been wrestling with this question for years.

Three Differences That Clarify Everything

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And in this episode, I finally want to share three key differences between sexual secrecy and sexual privacy. Six case studies for you to consider, and one simple strategy to stop secrecy and protect privacy at the same time, especially if you're married. Now, before we go any further, I invite you to pause. Take a few deep breaths and think of one sensitive part of your sexual story that you would be hesitant to share with others. And keep that in mind as I describe these categories and be curious about which category it falls into. Is it a secret or is it simply private information? Here are three differences between sexual secrecy and sexual privacy. First, motivation. Second, intention, and third, protection. Secrecy is motivated by fear and shame. Privacy is motivated by love and respect. Respect for self and respect for others. In other words, the reason why you don't share a certain part of your sexual story with a specific person in a specific space might be based on fear and shame. Or it might be based on love and respect. So consider your motivation. Are you not sharing something because you're ashamed of it or because you're afraid of what will happen if you share it? Or are you not sharing something out of love and respect for yourself and for other people? Another difference between secrecy and privacy is intention. Secrecy intends to hide the truth, to manipulate the outcome, because the goal of secrecy is control. Privacy intends to share the truth with the right people in the right setting because the goal of privacy is care. In other words, privacy is willing to share anything. If it is healthy and healing and good, there is such a difference between withholding important information based on fear, shame, and control versus withholding some information from some people as an act of love, respect, and care. Yet even if your motivation is loving and your intentions are good, you can still be living in sexual secrecy, which is why we need to understand the third difference between secrecy and privacy, and that is protection. Secrecy protects addiction. Privacy protects people. Now, if you're married and you're withholding information about your sexual life from your wife, you might think to yourself, I'm protecting her. Yet hiding, lying, and deceiving her is actually harming her even more. I realize that this is complex, challenging, it's painful to think about, to wrestle with the difference between secrecy and privacy.

Six Real Life Case Studies

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And that's why I wanted to give you six case studies. Real life examples, when understanding the difference between sexual secrecy and sexual privacy makes all the difference. Case study number one. There's a particular detail of my sexual story and my porn history that I feel so ashamed about that I've never told anyone ever. Is that secrecy or privacy? This is a clear example of secrecy. I truly believe that if no one else knows an important part of your life except you and God, that secret will have so much more power over you in the darkness until you bring it into the light. If you want deeper healing and lasting freedom from unwanted sexual behavior, think about your sexual secrets and find one safe person or one safe group to tell. Because for your sake, at least someone needs to know. Case study number two. I'm in a porn recovery group where I'm sharing more of my story, but I leave out the names of the porn stars and the porn websites that I've used. Is that secrecy or privacy? I call that privacy. It's loving and respectful to others to not give them ideas of new websites or new people that they can go search for. And it's not necessary to go into that level of detail in order to be fully known and fully loved, which is why in Husband Material, we don't allow you to share the names of porn websites or particular porn stars, because we care about privacy. Case study number three. I'm privately chatting with a member of the husband material community when the conversation starts to feel unsafe and potentially sexually inappropriate. I block the man, but I don't report the incident. Is that secrecy or privacy? It might seem like privacy to not report the other person, but it's actually secrecy. It's protecting the other person's addiction. And it's not protecting other members in the community who might be susceptible to this same person trying to be inappropriate with them. By not saying anything, you might think you're protecting the person who was sexually inappropriate, but you're actually protecting that person's addiction. Remember, secrecy protects addiction, privacy protects people. Case study number four, this is from my life. I'm sitting on an airplane talking to a stranger who asks me what I do for work. I say I work online and I don't say anything about porn recovery. Is that secrecy or privacy? For me, that's privacy. I don't need every single person in the world to know about my porn story and the work that I do at husband material. There's a part of me that might feel guilt or obligation to open up about my history with porn and the work that I do with husband material. But it's actually kind, loving, and respectful to myself to not share everything with everyone. That's an example of healthy privacy. Case study number five, this is also from my life. I'm at the dentist feeling extremely sexually triggered, but I go home and pretend I'm fine for the rest of the day. Secrecy or privacy. Pretending I'm fine when I'm extremely sexually tempted is not privacy. That is secrecy. That is hiding the truth, manipulating the outcome, trying to control things instead of authentically caring for myself, receiving care from others. And it's a recipe for relapse. It's part of the slippery slope that leads to sexually acting out. Now, if I get extremely triggered and sexually tempted and I don't call someone right away, but I have a plan to call someone in a few hours, that could be privacy instead of secrecy. But avoiding and ignoring what happened for the rest of the day means this is no longer just private, it's a secret. Case study number six. At 3 o'clock a.m. I wake up in the middle of a sexual dream. I masturbate and go back to sleep. In the morning, I don't tell my wife, is this secrecy or privacy? Now I know there's a lot of disagreement about the ethics of masturbation, and that's not what I'm asking about in this moment. I'm asking about the lack of disclosure, about not telling my wife, is that secrecy or is that privacy? If my wife and I have had some honest conversations and she says that she doesn't see masturbation as a problem and she doesn't want to know about it, it could be privacy. But in almost every other case, this is classic secrecy. Not telling my wife is probably motivated by shame about doing it, fear about how she'll respond, hiding the truth to manipulate the outcome. The goal is control, and it's protecting an addiction rather than protecting the other person.

A Simple Disclosure Plan For Couples

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And that's why I want to finish this episode by giving you one simple strategy to stop secrecy and protect privacy, especially if you're in a committed relationship. I highly encourage you to set aside some time to sit down with your girlfriend, fiance, or wife and ask her if a relapse occurs, when would she like to know? Immediately, within 24 hours, within three days, or would she prefer to find out at a predetermined check-in time? Maybe you check in with each other once a week and she would rather prepare for that check-in rather than be notified spontaneously. Ask her how she would like to find out. Maybe she's okay with receiving a text message, or she would prefer a phone call or an in-person conversation. Depending on the circumstances, an in-person conversation might not be possible within the time frame she's requested, but you can keep that in mind. Ask her what behaviors she wants to know about, whether it's porn or masturbation only, or maybe she wants to know when you experience temptation, even if it doesn't lead to acting out. And also ask her what does she not want to know? For example, my wife does not want to know who or what shows up in my sexual fantasies. If you're married, your wife deserves to have a voice and a choice in what, when, how, and how much you share. Most of us tend to undershare. We need to unlearn secrecy and embrace honesty. Others of us tend to overshare at times, and we need to learn the importance of privacy. To sum

Final Takeaways And Community Question

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it all up, sexual secrecy is toxic. If you have a dark secret, bring it into the light. Tell someone. And at the same time, sexual privacy is wise and good. You don't have to share everything with everyone. If you're not sure whether you're living in secrecy or privacy, I encourage you to get wisdom from a professional therapist, counselor, or coach who has specialized training in this area. You don't have to figure this out on your own. What questions, comments, or insights do you have about the difference between sexual secrecy and sexual privacy? Let us know in the husband material community. And always remember, you are God's beloved son. In you, he is well pleased.