So you want to outgrow porn. But how? How do you change your brain, heal your heart, and save your relationship? Welcome to Husband Material with Drew Boa, where we answer all these questions and more! Each episode makes it easier for you to achieve lasting freedom from porn—without fighting an exhausting battle. Porn is a pacifier. This podcast will help you outgrow it and become a sexually mature man of God.
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
0:00
|
13:59
Have you ever felt like a sexual fantasy was so irresistible that missing out on it felt like missing out on life itself? While fantasies promise satisfaction, they are ultimately symbolic attempts to rewrite reality—seemingly beautiful like a sunset, but cold and empty when you try to hold them.
In this episode, you'll learn why sexual fantasies will never satisfy you, how to decode what your fantasies are actually trying to tell you, and how to find true soul-level satisfaction. Whether your fantasies focus on specific sexual experiences, particular people, or potential relationships, this episode will give you wisdom and direction to discover what you truly desire.
Welcome to the Husband Material podcast, where we help Christian men outgrow porn. Why? So you can change your brain, heal your heart, and save your relationship. My name is Drew Boa, and I'm here to show you how. Let's go. Today we are talking about fantasies. Have you ever felt like a sexual fantasy is not just interesting but irresistible? As if you absolutely need to have that sexual experience, and without it, you're missing out on life. Sexual fantasies can make us feel alive, but no matter how exciting or enticing they may seem, ultimately, they are dead ends that will distract you, disappoint you, and even destroy you if you let them. I realize that might sound extreme, and I don't want to encourage a posture of fear, but wisdom. In this episode, you will learn why your sexual fantasies will never satisfy you. First, I'll answer the question, what is a fantasy? Then I will describe three different types of sexual fantasies and why each one will fail you in the end. And finally, I will reveal the real path to satisfaction and fulfillment.
First, what is a fantasy? A fantasy is simply an attempt to rewrite reality. And a sexual fantasy is an attempt to do that sexually. Sexual fantasies always involve something familiar and also something fascinating, some element of reality that I'm familiar with, and then something fascinating that rewrites reality in some way. For example, in a sexual fantasy, you might be part of the fantasy, but you're different somehow. Or someone else from your life is in the fantasy, but you're interacting very differently than you would in real life. At Husband Material, we have lots of great episodes and resources for you to understand how sexual fantasies work, and I'll include the links to those in the show notes for this episode. But right now, I want you to get your mind around something very simple. It's the idea that sexual fantasies are symbolic. They are representative. They're almost like a language, like words on a page that don't have meaning in themselves, but they point to something. They are like signposts, like postcards or pictures that represent the real thing in some way, but they are not actually the real thing in themselves. You might think of a sexual fantasy like colorful clouds in the sunset. They look beautiful, but when you get close to them, you realize it's actually just vapor. It's actually just air and water. And those colors were more of an illusion. They were more of an image of something that calls deeply to my soul, yet doesn't actually contain the substance of what it is I really want. So with any sexual fantasy, it's helpful to ask: what does this symbolize? What does this promise to my heart? What does this specific type of person or activity or scenario represent? The fantasy is by definition unreal. It's an attempt to rewrite reality, but it's pointing to something that is real. And we'll come back to that later.
Now let's look at three types of sexual fantasies and why each one will ultimately fail you in the end. First, fantasies about a sexual experience. Second, fantasies about a particular person. And third, fantasies about a potential relationship. And I want to give you a trigger warning that I'm going to mention some specific types of sexual fantasies in the following list. You could have a fantasy about a sexual experience like oral sex, anal sex, group sex, or a specific sexual fetish. In my life, a sexual fetish for braces and orthodontics was always the focus of my searches in porn and my private fantasies. Interestingly, when I got married and started to sexually engage with my wife, I discovered that she still had a retainer from when she was younger. And one night, she actually put on the retainer. I had imagined that this would be the most satisfying, incredible experience. But guess what? It did not arouse me at all. It was completely empty. I discovered that my fantasy was not about the braces or the retainer or the orthodontics. It was actually about what those things symbolized to me. And I have heard this same type of realization from men who have actually achieved and experienced the things that they sexually obsessed over for years. They have fantasized, they have masturbated, they have acted out in so many ways with this thing symbolically. But when they got the real thing, whether it was a hookup or an affair or the exact sexual scenario they had dreamed of for years, when they actually got there and experienced it, it was completely meaningless. Like looking into a beautiful sunset and wishing you could be inside that cloud and then getting into the cloud and realizing it's gray, it's cold, there is nothing here for me. I want to highlight the difference between sexual obsession and sexual openness. Sexual obsession is living in fantasy. Sexual openness is living in reality. Sexual obsession is about control and it leads to so much disappointment. Sexual openness is about curiosity and it leads to connection. My friend, this is good news. There is a way out of obsession and it looks like openness. It looks like being fully present to another person that you are committed to in the covenant of marriage, with no agenda, with no preconceived notions of how the experience should go. A sexual experience can be great, even without fantasy.
But perhaps your sexual fantasies don't focus on activities or experiences as much as particular people. For example, maybe you see someone at the gym, someone at work, or you think of someone from the past, and that particular person becomes the focus of your fantasies. Here's what I've discovered about that. The fantasy you have about this person is not really about that person, it's about the idea of that person. Because when you actually get to know someone, get close to them, have a deeper, longer relationship, eventually you realize that this person has needs and flaws and we have conflict. People are like porcupines. You can't really get too close without getting hurt. Even the most seemingly
amazing, attractive, interesting person is also just a normal person, just like you, if you get to know them. So many men have told me when they have a fantasy about a particular person, that fantasy often dissipates as they start to talk to the person and get to know them, not sexually, just relationally. So I want to highlight the difference between objectifying and humanizing. When you're fantasizing about a particular person, usually from a distance, relationally, or maybe they're online and they're somewhere else in the world, you have a very narrow, limited view of who this person is, and it's easier to objectify them. However, when you're getting to know someone, especially in person, not sexually, just conversationally and relationally, sexual fantasies often dissipate as you experience the real thing, the actual person for who they are, not just your idea of who they are. Sometimes fantasies focus on a particular person. Sometimes they focus on a potential relationship with that person
or just with someone in general. For example, a single man fantasizes about getting married so that in his mind he can enjoy sex. Or a married man fantasizes about getting divorced so that in his mind, he can enjoy sex. In both cases, a sexual relationship is envisioned as the solution for whatever suffering or difficulty he's facing. But the truth is whatever potential relationship you fantasize about will ultimately end up with the same problems that you have right now. If you're a single man and you get married, it does not necessarily mean you're going to have great sex. It does not necessarily mean that your struggle with porn will get easier because your fantasy is not really about the relationship or the sex. It's about intimacy and closeness. And the truth is, you don't need to get married to experience that. And married men, if you do get divorced and pursue someone else, you will often have the same relational challenges that you had in the previous marriage. I find that married men are often not fantasizing about another relationship so much as they're fantasizing about a relationship with different roles. When you're married, you're not just husband and wife, you're also housemates, roommates, co-parents, business partners, and lovers on top of that. And the potential relationship that many married men fantasize about is one of exclusive emotional intimacy without all the other roles involved. The fantasy is not as much about a particular person or a potential relationship as it is about being free from all those other roles, which add a lot of obligation, and obligation is the opposite of arousal. That's why fantasies that go against obligation or moral values can be especially arousing. Whether you find yourself aroused by fantasies about a specific sexual experience, a particular person, or a potential relationship, these paths do not satisfy.
So what's the real path to satisfaction and fulfillment? In one word, desire. In my book Outgrow Porn, I have a list of 40 desires, and I'll read you a few of them. Acceptance, adventure, affirmation, authenticity, beauty, belonging, care, community, connection, delight, friendship, glory, intimacy, love, peace, play, power, the purpose, rest, safety, significance, strength, tenderness, being chosen, desired, included, known, nurtured, pursued, to be seen, to be touched. These are the things that our sexual fantasies symbolize. These are the real experiences that we long for, that we ache for. And desire is not the same as arousal. Arousal happens at the surface level. It's your body responding to stimulation. It's automatic, it's effortless, it's very physical. Desire is deeper. It happens at the soul level. It's what you truly want, what you long for at the core of your being. And that is where true satisfaction and fulfillment lies. Arousal without desire is empty. When arousal and desire combine, sexual experiences can be satisfying and fulfilling. But desire by itself, even without arousal, can still be satisfying, even when it's not sexual. To be accepted, to feel safe, to feel seen, to be delighted in, these are emotional experiences that engage our desires even without arousal. Whatever you're fantasizing about feels arousing. But the reason why it has power over you is because it's connected to these deeper desires for what's real. So although this idea that your sexual fantasies will never satisfy you might sound harsh, it might sound discouraging. The good news is you don't need fantasy and arousal to get what you truly desire. The Bible actually talks about the emptiness of arousal by itself and the beauty and joy of desire in the book of Proverbs. Proverbs 7 is all about the adulterous woman, an enticing, arousing, all-consuming fantasy. And how does Proverbs 7 end? It says, Her house is a highway to the grave, leading down to the chambers of death. That is where your sexual fantasies will take you. That is the result of following arousal that goes against your desires. But Proverbs 13, 12 says, a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. And it contrasts the adulterous woman with lady wisdom. It's the difference between living in fantasy versus living in reality, which is where our desires can truly be satisfied. So in your life, what do you most deeply desire? Is it friendship? Is it purpose? Is it any of those desires I mentioned earlier? Whatever it is, you can find that desire fulfilled in real life. You can find the real thing with God, with others, within yourself, and your fantasies can actually show you what you most deeply desire. And my friend, the core of what you truly want is good. Whether your sexual fantasies focus on an experience, a person, or a potential relationship, I hope you will start to realize in your body that these things will never satisfy you. And true fulfillment is not found in arousal by itself, but in the God given desires that you were created to pursue. For my full list of 40 desires and what to do with them, go down to the link in the show notes and get the free PDF. Always remember you are God's beloved son, and you, he is well pleased.
