Welcome And The Real Goal

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Welcome to the Husband Material podcast, where we help Christian men outgrow porn. Why? So you can change your brain, heal your heart, and save your relationship. My name is Drew Boa, and I'm here to show you how. Let's go.

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Have you ever felt two completely contradictory feelings at the same time? Have you ever felt torn, as if there's a war within you? Part of you wants to work, part of you wants to rest, part of you wants to numb out, and maybe part of you wants to just give up and give in to sexual temptation. And this tension within you is tearing you apart. If so, you're not alone. You are experiencing inner conflict. And today I am going to lead you through one of the most powerful healing exercises I know for working through inner conflict. It's called the table. The goal of the table is to welcome all parts of you. I first discovered this exercise while receiving IFS counseling. And since then, I have facilitated it for dozens of my private one-on-one clients. And recently, I did the table with a group of

Naming Inner Conflict Without Shame

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HMA students and they loved it. So I feel like the time has come to share this exercise more broadly because I think everyone needs to know about it. In this episode, you will learn why the table matters from a Christian perspective, what the table is based on, and how it works, what the table exercise practically looks like, and then most of this episode will be taken up by actually doing the table exercise together. I am so excited to share it with you. Let's start with why the table matters from a Christian perspective. I believe the image of the table is the most central symbol of Christianity. While the most popular symbol of Christianity is the cross, and perhaps rightfully so, the whole purpose of the cross was bigger than just forgiveness. It was bigger than just paying the price for our sins. The purpose of the suffering and death of Jesus was to make new life and resurrection possible. And that resurrection life looks like the table, a table where we are welcomed into God's family as his beloved sons and daughters forever.

Why The Table Matters For Christians

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Some of you may know that I am an Anglican, and one thing I love about Anglican worship is that we come to the table every week. We receive bread and wine. We receive a reminder, not just with our words, but with our bodies, that Jesus loves us and we are welcomed exactly as we are, as beloved sons and daughters into his family. It reminds me of the song At This Table by Edina Menzel, which says, At this table, everyone is welcome. At this table, everyone is seen. At this table, everybody matters. No one falls between. At this table, there will be no judgment. At this table, mercy has a seat. At this table, we're all sons and daughters. There's no place I'd rather be. This is the core message of Christianity. Remember the stories of Jesus in the Gospels where he welcomed sinners, prostitutes, tax collectors, Pharisees, all around the same table. He welcomed the sexually broken. He welcomed the sexually self-righteous. He welcomed everyone to his table. And when the religious teachers criticized Jesus for welcoming so many different kinds of people to his table, he said, it is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. They need to be seen, known, loved, and cared for. One of my favorite books, Boundaries for Your Soul, by Allison Cook and Kim Miller, describes our inner world as a school bus with kids who are causing lots of trouble. And our job as mature adults is to both drive the school bus and make sure it doesn't crash while also taking care of the kids. When we face challenges, temptations, dilemmas, difficult situations, we often have not just one difficult thought or feeling, but an entire group of them. And that's when the table exercise can be especially helpful. One of the reasons I haven't shared about this exercise on this show

When Parts Work Needs Support

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before is because it's not always a good idea to jump into it, especially if you are feeling a lot of contempt toward yourself or overwhelming shame or fear or depression. You might not be ready to do the table exercise on your own yet. You may want to do it with a coach, counselor, or therapist first to make sure that you can be cared for in the way that you need. On the other hand, if you feel some level of curiosity, compassion, and connection within yourself, and you're open to trying something new, then going through the table exercise on this recording may be a good idea. If at any point you feel triggered, unsafe, unstable, or just in need of support, I encourage you to pause this recording and potentially come back to it another time. Or you can simply listen to me facilitate the exercise without actually doing it. Here we go. This is it, the table exercise. Are you ready? If you would like to do this exercise with me on this recording, I encourage you to find a comfortable place to sit where you can relax and focus. You can either open your eyes or close your eyes, whatever feels most comfortable. And let's start by taking a few deep breaths.

Guided Table Exercise Begins

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Notice the sound of the air moving in and out. And whenever you're ready, offer a little bit of kindness to yourself in this moment. I invite you to imagine a big, beautiful table within you. The kind of table that has lots of space, comfortable seating, a place where you would love to hang out. And at this table, you are calling a meeting. The topic of the meeting is a specific challenge you are currently facing. It could be porn, it could be something at home, something at work. Your core self, your spirit-led self, is in charge. And all the parts of you that are affected by this difficult situation are invited to take a seat around the table. Now, as much as possible, see if you can get out of your head and into your heart and let the scenario unfold. Simply notice who is at your table. Remember those different parts I mentioned before, such as sexual attraction, shame and embarrassment, sadness, frustration, anxiety, envy. Notice the various parts of you that are affected by this challenge you're facing that are showing up. It may be that only a couple of different parts of you show up at the table, or you may have a much larger group. Notice what parts of yourself are sitting around this table. Each one has a unique appearance and personality. They might be big or small, loud or quiet, close or distant. And if you would like, it may be helpful to name each one. It could just be a temporary name if necessary. I want you to realize who is at your table. At this point, it may be helpful to take notes, whether by typing out the various parts of you that are at this table, or by writing it down on a piece of paper. The first step of this exercise is to notice and name who is at your table. Even though this might seem small, it is a significant step towards self-awareness. You're doing great. Let's keep going. Once you become aware of who is at your table, I invite you, as your spirit-led self, your core self, to welcome each part of you to this table. Say hello. Thank them for being here. Perhaps offer some kind of appreciation and see how they react. Notice if there is one part of you around this table that stands out more than the others, maybe one part needs more attention and focus on that one part of you around the table. How do you feel toward this part of you? Do you feel curious, like you want to get to know it better? Do you feel compassion for what it's going through? If you feel anything else, such as frustration with this part, or being ashamed of this part, or feeling overwhelmed by this part, that means that some other members around the table are feeling the need to jump in. So I realize this might sound odd or weird, but see if those parts would be willing to give you some space for just a few minutes so that you can connect with this part of you, and then maybe later you can give them some time too. If those other parts, such as frustration, shame, and overwhelm, refuse to step back, then you can honor that and maybe turn your attention toward them instead. If possible, focus on just one part of you around this table, and using Jenna Remersma's move toward approach, ask the question, what does this part want me to know? And then notice whatever comes up. You might get words, images, memories, body sensations. You can ask the part questions like, What do you want me to know? What's it like to be you? What do you want? What are you afraid of? What do you truly need? You might be surprised by what you hear. And that's totally normal. Even if it doesn't make sense, just notice what comes up for you. Let this part of you be fully seen, heard, and known. And as you do that, notice if there has been any shift in how you feel toward this part or how this part feels with you, maybe there's a softening or a strengthening. Maybe this part of you is carrying a burden that it wants to let go of. A lie, a fear, a source of shame. Maybe this part of you wants to receive something good like attention, affirmation, affection. Maybe it just wants a hug. Continue spending time with this part of you as long as it needs and see what happens. And whenever you come to a stopping point, come back to the other parts around the table. Did they see what happened? How do they feel? You may want to check in with them and see if anyone else would like to share or would like some time with you. If you feel like you're getting stuck, that is probably a part of you around the table taking over that you may need to separate from so that you can continue to relate as your core self, your mature, healthy self. Sometimes parts don't feel safe to come to the table, and we need to build trust before we can really get to know them. If you notice a part like that under the table or in a dark corner, you might approach that part from a comfortable distance, not too close, not too far away, and take a moment to just be with it. No agenda, nothing to do, nothing to say. Just offer your pure presence and see where that takes you. It may be healing to welcome that part of you to the table with all the other parts, or to give it grace and space and not try to force anything, and allow this part of you to come and engage whenever it feels safer and more ready. You may also want to include Jesus in this exercise. If so, be open to however he might show up around your table. Where is he? What is he doing? How is he relating to you? How is he relating to your parts? Remember the description of Jesus in the Gospels. This man welcomes sinners. And he welcomes the parts of us that are prone to sin. He loves us as we are, and he will not leave us as we are. So see if you get an impression of Jesus with you. And if not, that's okay.

Inviting Jesus And Closing The Meeting

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Sometimes Jesus is within you as you do this exercise, led by his Holy Spirit. This exercise could go in a lot of different directions. Follow it wherever it takes you. And whenever you feel like it's complete, make sure to thank all of these parts of you for being here, for coming to the table, spending this time with you, and getting to know each other better. The goal of the table is to work through inner conflict with hospitality instead of hostility. And that's it. That's the table exercise. A powerful way to work through inner conflict with hospitality instead of hostility. With curiosity and compassion instead of control or condemnation. That's what Husband Material is all about. If you would like more teaching, coaching, and community like this, full of curiosity, compassion, and connection, join Husband Material Academy. We only open up the program once every six months. And this week, starting on July 11th, the doors are opening. Husband Material Academy is deeply informed by IFS Internal Family Systems. And if you resonated with the table exercise, you will love Husband Material Academy. Go to joinhma.com and I would love to see you there. For more resources on IFS, check out the links in the show notes and always remember: you are God's beloved son. And

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you, he is well pleased.