So you want to outgrow porn. But how? How do you change your brain, heal your heart, and save your relationship? Welcome to Husband Material with Drew Boa, where we answer all these questions and more! Each episode makes it easier for you to achieve lasting freedom from porn—without fighting an exhausting battle. Porn is a pacifier. This podcast will help you outgrow it and become a sexually mature man of God.
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How do you see yourself? Do you ever feel like a villain, like everything is your fault? Do you ever feel like a victim, overwhelmed and powerless to change your life? Do you ever feel like a hero, as if you have to succeed because the whole world is depending on you? Today, we’re talking about how to see yourself accurately and understand yourself better through three lenses: your villain story, your victim story, and your hero story. These categories are inspired by “The Karpman Drama Triangle” by Dr. Stephen B. Karpman. The original drama triangle describes common patterns in dysfunctional relationships. I’ve adapted it for the context of story work for men outgrowing porn.
Welcome to the Husband Material Podcast, where we help Christian men outgrow porn. Why? So you can change your brain, heal your heart, and save your relationship. My name is Drew Boa, and I'm here to show you how. Let's go.
Today we are talking about the villain, the victim, and the hero. Three ways of viewing yourself on the journey of outgrowing porn. How do you view yourself? Do you ever feel like a villain as if everything is your fault? Do you ever feel like a victim, overwhelmed and powerless to change your life? Or do you ever feel like a hero as if you have to succeed because the whole world is depending on you? Maybe you felt all of these things at different times, which is why today we're talking about how to see yourself accurately and understand your story through these three lenses your villain story, your victim story, and your hero
story. These categories are inspired by the drama triangle created by Dr. Stephen B. Cartman, which describes common patterns in dysfunctional relationships. The original drama triangle consists of the persecutor, the victim, and the rescuer, which I've adapted into the villain, the victim, and the hero for the context of story work for men outgrowing porn. Because I found these three categories so helpful in how I view myself and how my clients can view themselves more accurately. In today's episode, you will learn why you need to see all three of these stories your villain story, your victim story, and your hero story, and what happens when you don't. You'll also begin to explore how these stories might connect to specific sexual fantasies. And in the end, you'll get a picture of how secure identity in Christ and authentic community with other men can change everything. Let's start with these three stories the villain, the victim, and the hero. The villain story is all about what I have done to harm myself and others. It's a story of the mistakes I've made. A story of my sin, the ways that I've fallen short, and the mess that I've made in my life. The victim story is about what has been done to me. It's a story of trauma, wounds, pain, neglect, abandonment, abuse. It's a story of injustice. It's a story of the things that shouldn't have happened to me that did happen. It's a story of the things that should have happened for me that didn't happen. And one of the most important parts of being able to understand ourselves accurately is seeing the connection between our victim story and our villain story. And in contrast, the hero story is about what I've done that's good, the redemptive actions I've taken, my accomplishments, my successes, the things I'm proud of. Did you know that you have a villain story, a victim story, and a hero story? We all experience all three. All three stories are true, all three stories are valid, and yet they are not the truest things about us. When we overly focus on just one of these stories, it becomes an identity and a prison that we become trapped in.
For example, when you only see your villain story, you become stuck in shame. You feel like a failure. And this fuels the cycle of sexually acting out, believing that I'm a total failure. I can't do anything right. I might as well relapse, might as well go back to it. That's what happens when you see yourself primarily as the villain. Some of us primarily see ourselves as the victim. And when you only see your victim story, you get stuck in pain. If you feel trapped by what others are doing or not doing, whether it's your spouse or your family or your community, the victim believes that people will always let me down. And there's nothing I can do to change my situation. If you see yourself primarily as a victim, you end up feeling powerless to change anything. It's a very hopeless place to be. On the other hand, if you deny your villain story and your victim story and you see yourself as the hero, you get stuck in pride. This is really common for men who start to gain momentum toward freedom from porn. You start to gain sobriety and you think, man, I'm doing great. However, this hero story can also be toxic. It can lead to self-righteousness, perfectionism, entitlement, and ultimately, it's all about performance. And it can also lead you away from community and intimacy and relationships because you're just focused on saving the day yourself. Heroes are often isolated, independent, and therefore actually also at greater risk of relapse. So if you view yourself as a hero, you get stuck in pride. If you view yourself as the victim, you get stuck in pain. If you view yourself as the villain, you get stuck in shame. But there's an equal and opposite error that we can make, which is denying one of these stories.
If you deny your villain story, you end up thinking, what I've done is not that bad. It's no big deal. And you minimize the real harm that you've done, and you miss out on conviction and growth and the redemption that's possible if you really face your own sin. If you deny your victim story, you end up minimizing your trauma and your childhood, and you miss out on the beautiful healing of self-compassion when you can fully face the harm that you have been through. And when you deny your hero story, you end up minimizing the progress you have made and the healing you have experienced and the good things that you have accomplished. And you end up missing out on the confidence that comes from knowing your own beauty and strength.
And that's why when we look at ourselves, we look at our lives, we need to see all three of these stories. Each of these stories has a gift for us to receive. Your villain story, as heartbreaking as it is, gives you the gift of responsibility and humility to take ownership of your actions, to not think of yourself too highly, and to be committed to making things right. The gift of your victim story, although I wish none of us were ever victims, is sensitivity. Because when you become acquainted with your pain, with your trauma, with your childhood wounds, it opens your heart up to be tender and gentle and kind to others. Unfortunately, many men view their sensitivity as a weakness when in fact it is one of our greatest strengths. And our victim stories of how we've been hurt have made us more sensitive, and that's a beautiful thing. And the gift of your hero story is purpose. When you see how God uniquely made you to reflect his image in this world, and you see the good in yourself and the good in what you can do, and you submit that to him, following Jesus is such a great adventure. He is the hero of your story, and we get to come alongside him in what he is doing. And while all of us have been victimized in different ways, we are not victims. Each of us has a villain story, a victim story, and a hero story that impacts our journey of outgrowing
porn. You might call the villain the victim and the hero three different parts of us. And I'm particularly interested in how these parts might show up in specific sexual fantasies. If you consider the type of porn that you have historically preferred, or the sexual fantasies that have been especially powerful or attractive, who are you in those fantasies? What role do you play? Are you the victim being acted upon? Are you the villain who's actively breaking the rules? Or maybe are you the hero rescuing the other person in the fantasy? Personally, I have found myself in my fantasies in all three roles. Similarly, consider who else shows up in your sexual fantasies and the roles that they play. Is the other person like a hero rescuing you? Is the other person a villain doing something to you? Or is the other person in your sexual fantasy a victim that you are acting upon? If you've been listening to this podcast for a while, you know that I believe our stories and our sexualities are very connected. The things that sexually arouse us are not random. The things that we fantasize about might seem strange, but there's usually a story behind them. And I want to encourage you to see if you can make any connections between your villain story, your victim story, and your hero story, and specific sexual fantasies. For example, maybe you grew up viewing yourself as the hero, the good Christian boy. Maybe you grew up in purity culture with strict, suffocating rules and shame about sexuality. So in porn, you find yourself aroused in the role of a villain because it breaks you free from that single story of being the hero and the good Christian boy and all the obligation attached to it. Oftentimes, being the villain gives you a sense of release from all the pressure of being the hero, the golden child, the performer, the kid who had to be good. You also might find yourself aroused in the role of the victim, because it also relieves you of pressure. As a victim, if you have no agency, if you have no power, then you have no pressure and no responsibility. You just allow things to
happen, and nothing's your fault. Or if you grew up feeling like a villain, believing that you're fundamentally bad, maybe fantasizing about being a hero gives you salvation from that. Or you might fantasize about being a victim too. There are endless combinations, endless storylines, and I don't want to assume that just because you had a specific type of childhood that you're going to have a specific type of fantasy. But in any case, I encourage you to consider which of these three categories do you see the most in your story? Your villain story, your victim story, or your hero story? Could it be that some of these specific storylines of villain, victim, and hero may have shaped the type of porn that you have turned to? Maybe your fantasies might be connected to one of those stories that you're not fully in touch with. So the only place you have access to it is through some kind of sexual version of it. In any case, we need to see all three parts. We are all villains, victims, and heroes in some sense, but the truth is that's not who you truly are. And although all of those things are parts of us, and there's some truth in them, the truest thing about you is that you are God's beloved son. In you, he is well pleased. This is your secure identity, and it speaks to each of those three stories. Because in your villain story, if you're God's beloved son, your shame does not define you. You
are not too broken. There is nothing you can do to make God love you any less. And if your heart is broken by your own sin, you are exactly the kind of person Jesus died for, and there is grace and space for you. In your victim story, being God's beloved son means that your pain and trauma does not define you. You are not powerless. You have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-control. And the same Holy Spirit who raised Christ from the dead lives in you. So you can heal. And in your hero story, being God's beloved son means that your performance does not define you. You are loved and accepted not because of anything you do or don't do, but because of who God is and what he has done for you. He is the true hero of your story, saving you from the true villain, the powers of evil, and bringing healing and redemption to every part of you that has been broken and victimized. That's how identity in Christ can help you view yourself more clearly and put all these stories in their place. So if you find yourself stuck in your villain story, your victim story, or your hero story, remember who you are. Come back to your secure identity. The false beliefs we have about ourselves as villains, victims, and heroes can only survive in isolation,
in the light of authentic community. We cannot just intellectually believe, but emotionally experience the truth. That my friend, no matter what you've done, no matter what's been done to you, the truest thing about you is that you are God's beloved Son, and in you, He is well pleased.
