SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Welcome to the Husband Material podcast, where we help Christian men outgrow porn. Why? So you can change your brain, heal your heart, and save your relationship. My name is Drew Boa, and I'm here to show you how. Let's go.

SPEAKER_02: 0:19

Today we are talking about 10 ways to regulate without porn. And these 10 strategies I'm going to teach are technically called grounding techniques to help you stay grounded or get re-grounded when you're ungrounded. Now, when I was a kid, being grounded was a bad thing. It was a punishment that meant I can't go outside, I can't play with my friends. I'm grounded. I'm punished. As an adult, I've learned that being grounded can actually be a really good thing. In fact, in many ways, it's the goal of recovery. When you are feeling sexually tempted or triggered, you want to bring your brain and body back into balance without porn or other unwanted sexual behaviors. Being grounded allows you to feel safe, centered, and stable, even without the sexual stimulation that you've historically used to self-regulate. Being grounded is an image of having your feet planted firmly on the ground, anchored and secure, connected to your heart, connected to your body, connected to God, maybe connected to your brothers and trusted friends who are with you on this journey. Ultimately, being grounded means being at home in who you truly are. When I was a kid, being grounded meant I have to stay home. I'm trapped. As an adult, being grounded means I get to come home instead of wandering and drifting off into the world of digital distractions and sexual fantasies. This is about coming home. So my question for everyone here live is this how do you know when you are grounded? How does it feel to be grounded? Justin says, not anxious. Dave says, peaceful, calm, relaxed. My body is not tight. That is a great clue that you're being dysregulated when you have a tightening in your stomach or in your throat, when you can't think straight, when it feels like feelings are taking over, or when you feel nothing at all, when you go numb, when you start shutting down. These are clues that you are not grounded. These are clues that you're outside your window of tolerance, as the trauma researchers have called it. Each of us has a window of tolerance, a range of sensations and feelings that we feel like we can handle, where I can think and feel at the same time when I'm in my window of tolerance. When I'm in my window of tolerance, I can be the mature, healthy, adult Drew. When you're outside your window of tolerance, it's like your Wi-Fi range to love and peace and joy is really small. It's like being too far away from the internet connection. Can you kind of make it work? Maybe sometimes, but it's way, way easier to come back to a strong connection before you try to do something. Keith says, When I'm grounded, I don't want to act out. Exactly. That's why this episode matters so much. When you're grounded, you can welcome whatever's happening within you instead of warring against it. That doesn't mean you do whatever your feelings want. It just means you have space for it all. It means you have capacity. Bill says, when I'm grounded, I'm able to function. Tim says, when I feel God's presence. How beautiful. Yeah. For many of us, being grounded is the sense of being with Jesus, being connected to Christ in me, being filled with the Holy Spirit, having access to love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. We want more of that because that is what leads to lasting freedom from porn. That's what helps us come back to ourselves when we're wandering or drifting or teetering on the edge of temptation. So this is at once a spiritual practice of grounding ourselves, and it's a scientific technique of helping your brain and body regulate. Justin says, I'm breathing normally without thinking about breathing. We will talk about breathing later. Dave says, when I'm grounded, I notice the beauty in God's creation around me. That's awesome. When you're grounded, you can experience things like awe and gratitude and wonder rather than being self-absorbed in my own little world. Fred says, when I'm grounded, I can focus. Chris says, I'm not overwhelmed. Brandon says, for me, being grounded looks like finding peace in the midst of the chaos. I am safe. Awesome. This is so good. This is so good. So being grounded is a physical state, and it's also a skill you can practice. It's more than just an attitude. It's an action. And today you are going to learn 10 grounding techniques that can help you get to that place of being stable, centered, and safe, connected, curious, compassionate, courageous, all these good words, there are some very clear, powerful paths to get to that place without resorting to unwanted behavior. And you are going to learn these tools. Now, I admit, if the only thing we needed to outgrow porn and achieve lasting freedom from unwanted sexual behavior was more tools, then many of us would be free from porn by now. If all we needed was more tools, we might not even need this ministry. So why are we talking about tools? If you can have all the tools in the world and still not really want to use them, well, it helps tremendously in a moment of being triggered or being tempted to have multiple options. If I think that my only option when I'm tempted is to sexually act out or to do some kind of recovery practice that doesn't really resonate with me, I'm much more likely to choose to sexually act out than if I felt like I had a menu of lots of different ways that I can regulate without porn or without fantasy and masturbation. So think of tonight as a menu. It's designed to give you options. Now, this doesn't actually change whether or not you want to use the options or you want to prevent relapse, but it can make it so much easier than if you felt like, gosh, there's there's only one way that I can get away from temptation and I really don't want to do that one thing. I hope that out of the 10 tools you learned tonight, that maybe one or two will stand out to you. It's okay if not every single one resonates with you or not every single one works for you. You are a bio individual. We are all so unique. Each of our brains is so complex. So I invite you to consider which of these 10 tools might be appealing and attractive to you when porn or other unwanted sexual behavior is pulling on your heart. Because if you want to use a tool, you are much more likely to actually practice it. If you enjoy one of these tools more than the others, prioritize that one. Go with that one. Maybe you want to combine multiple tools. This episode may not change how much you want to prevent relapse, but when you genuinely feel like I have no way out to handle what I'm feeling other than to go back to porn, this episode will give you options. Here we go. I am going to personally lead you through these 10 grounding techniques. I once had a husband material leader tell me that he thought I should create an album of me narrating different grounding techniques so that you could turn on one of the tracks when you're feeling tempted and hear my voice in your ears guiding you through one of these techniques. This episode is a start toward creating that, where I'm literally going to guide you through each technique as if I'm right here with you in the room and we're doing this together. Maybe one day I'll create that album. And if enough people let me know they want that, I'll do it. I have no idea how it would work, but we're going to start with this podcast episode. Let's begin. The first grounding technique that I want to guide you into today is deep breathing. In this moment, notice you're breathing. Is it shallow or deep? Is it fast or slow? Sometimes we may be barely breathing at all and not even realize it. Especially when we are triggered or tempted, when we are outside of our window of tolerance, our breathing changes, becomes quick and shallow, or it flatlines. And the amount of oxygen flowing to our brain is way lower than it needs to be for us to make decisions that we can be proud of. So in this moment, without judgment, simply notice you're breathing. Breathing is your superpower for self-regulation. Both spiritually and scientifically, it is the quickest, most efficient, and powerful way to alter the state of your brain and body, especially when you're dysregulated and you feel the urge to watch porn. Deep breathing, also known as belly breathing, involves lowering the place where your breath is moving in and out. Also known as diaphragmatic breathing. Your diaphragm is a point right around the center of your chest. Below your diaphragm is your belly. And you know that you're breathing deeply from your belly when your belly is moving in and out. Not your upper chest where your rib cage is, but below your rib cage. Right around the belly button. See if you can take some deep breaths that move your belly in and out very slowly. As you deepen your breathing, notice if anything shifts within you. What changes when you deepen your breathing and slow down? Let me know in the chat. Dave says, shoulders are relaxing. Clayton says everything slows down. My breathing, my body, my mind. Bill says, tightness leaves my muscles. Ed says energy is dispersing. Chris says, overall calmness. Justin says, I'm more aware of what's happening around me. Scott says, I am aware of how I physically feel. It sounds like breathing is skyrocketing self-awareness for many of you. Notice that. There's one approach to deep breathing that has been widely taught and popularized called box breathing, where you breathe in for a count of four, hold it for a count of four, breathe out for a count of four, and hold it for a count of four. And this four-sided box of breathing in, holding it, breathing out, holding it creates a box. Let's try it out.

SPEAKER_01: 15:22

Breathe in. One, two, two, three, four. Hold it. Two, three, two, four. Breathe out. Two, three, four, hold it. Two. Three. Four. Breathe in. Two. Three. Four. Hold it. Two. Three. Four. Breathe out. Two. Three. Four. Hold it. Two. Three. Four.

SPEAKER_02: 16:01

That's box breathing. Try it out. Keith says, breathing relaxes me. It allows me to step out of myself. Beautiful. Choose whichever type of breath work works well for you. The main thing is simply to just become aware of our breath and allow it to be what it is. Then you can try some of these techniques to literally shape the state of your nervous system. It's incredible. Deep, slow breathing is what most of us think of when we consider taking a few deep breaths to ground ourselves. The second grounding technique I want to teach you is really the exact opposite. Power breathing, taking quick, full breaths rather than slow, deep breaths. And you have to be careful with this, especially if you have some kind of respiratory condition, or if you start to feel lightheaded or out of breath, do not continue this exercise. Power breathing is intense. And if you have any medical concerns, definitely consult your doctor before trying something that will be pushing you to your edge of what you're comfortable with. I discovered power breathing by participating in a research study by Dr. Joseph Nicolosi Jr. on sexually arousing memories, where he had me literally think of a sexual experience I had had in the past that was very arousing for me, and hold that in my mind while doing power breathing, specifically the Wim Hof method. And in eight minutes, the level of arousal that I felt on those specific YouTube videos that I had watched went way down. And then he followed up two weeks later and a month later, and the level of arousal was still way down. It was remarkable. And I look forward to having Joseph back on the podcast to talk about his research and his findings. Many of the men in our community participated in the research as well. And I was just blown away by how quickly and effectively this technique seemed to sap the power out of some of these specific memories. Now, I don't think this is some kind of cure for unwanted sexual attraction. Not at all. This is not designed to remove or replace your sexual arousal template. Rather, it can help to reprocess specific sexually arousing memories so that those thoughts and feelings start to lose their power. It's incredible. Again, not every tool is going to resonate with everybody. So just be curious about whether or not this might be helpful for you. We're going to try it out. And I still don't fully understand how it works, but I have noticed that the rhythm of power breathing mimics the speed and force of breathing during an orgasm. And the way I think about it is it's almost as if I tricked my brain into thinking that it had already had an orgasm simply by power breathing. But essentially, what we're doing is consciously controlling our nervous system by intentionally activating ourselves through breath work and then allowing that physical state to naturally drop down into calm, peaceful, gentle energy afterwards. Now you can look up the Wim Hof method if you want to do power breathing in a more renowned, refined way. We're going to do it in reps of 10 quick full breaths, followed by 20 seconds of rest. Don't think about any specific imagery. Just try this out and notice how it affects you. Please don't hyperventilate if you start to feel lightheaded or uncomfortable. Pause the exercise. You don't need to continue.

SPEAKER_01: 20:59

Here we go.

SPEAKER_02: 21:21

Just allow your body to settle. Stay calm. Three, two. Now rest. Twenty seconds to just be. If you feel like you're done, you can be done. If you want to do one more round, we will get started in five, four, three, two, three, one.

SPEAKER_01: 22:32

Okay. We're all done.

SPEAKER_02: 22:47

Just notice how that is affecting you. I personally did it by breathing in through my nose and then breathing out through my mouth, but you could also breathe in through your mouth and out through your mouth as well. Either way is fine. Did you feel how it brought you up and activated you and then brought you back down? It's powerful. Breathing has this incredible ability to wake us up and calm us down at the same time. So when you feel dead and dull and numb and you're just looking for something to make you feel alive again, like porn, breathing can do it so much better. And when you feel anxious and stressed and agitated or angry, and you need something to take your mind off of it and take the edge off of it, like porn, breathing can also do it so much better. Fred says, I feel relaxed afterward. Tim says it made me feel more relaxed for sure. Bill says, deeper feeling of relaxation after the breaths. Justin says it feels like the calming part is really important to help us regulate into a grounded state. Exactly. If you just did this continually, well, you wouldn't be able to do it continually, but you know, you could hurt yourself. Brandon said, I felt energy rushing to my head and felt relief. Chris said, I felt a lightness, almost a euphoric state. Crazy.

SPEAKER_03: 24:23

Hmm.

SPEAKER_02: 24:24

Yeah, I think it's going to affect each of us differently. The goal of doing this is to give you more options. So now when you think, okay, I'm triggered, I'm tempted, I gotta breathe. Consider whether you might want to do deep breathing or power breathing. And I'll put some links in the show notes, including the Wim Hof method for those who want to explore this further. Now, breathing is the first step of BOA BOA, a tool that you learn in Husband Material Academy and in my new book, Outgrow Porn, if you're reading that. The second step of BOA, the O stands for observe, and that will be the focus of the third grounding technique. There are two types of observation. I want to teach you external observation and internal observation. For external observation, you are observing your five senses. What you see, hear, touch, smell, and taste. This can be very grounding. A popular technique getting you in touch with your five senses is called 54321, where you notice five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste or remember tasting. Let's try it out. Starting with five things you can see. You might say, I see my computer in front of me, or you might say, the computer is in front of me. Either format works. See what you see. Notice what you notice. You might notice the color of something, the shape of something, how far away or close something is. Now four things you can touch. Perhaps your clothes on your body, perhaps an object close to you.

SPEAKER_01: 26:41

I feel my socks on my feet. Or I'm wearing a cotton shirt.

SPEAKER_02: 26:50

Then three things you can hear. Even if it's the hum of a fan or nothing at all. Notice if you hear your own breathing. Then two things you can smell. I actually have no sense of smell. You may also notice something you remember smelling. And then finally, one thing you can taste or remember tasting. Maybe something that tasted really good. Bring that into your mind. And I would love to hear in the chat what food you enjoy that you remember tasting. Ice cream, pumpkin pie, dried cranberries, an Oreo blizzard, strawberries, hot crispy cream donut coffee. So notice how this simple exercise affected you. This type of practice of sensory awareness is sometimes referred to as mindfulness. And it's becoming more and more popular for a very good reason. It works. Mindfulness-based stress reduction, mindfulness-based relapse prevention is so great. It's been around for a long time. More and more research is validating the power of mindfulness, especially for anxiety. And here's what I find in my personal life and in my work with clients. Any grounding technique that helps you regulate anxiety can also help you regulate sexual arousal. The 54321 technique, other types of mindfulness, these tools are designed to allow you to be with whatever's going on for you sexually, rather than to just be aroused to be with the arousal, rather than just to be lonely, to be with the loneliness. It's a big difference. Observing our five senses is external. The next grounding technique we will try out is observing our internal world, our thoughts, our feelings. And there are some awesome tools for this, including the feeling wheel or the core emotion wheel developed by Dr. Glenn and Phyllis Hill. They talked about that recently on the podcast. Jonathan Hernandez also talked about the core emotion wheel. In that wheel, the core emotions are joy, anger, shame. Guilt, fear, lonely, sad, and hurt. Notice any of those feelings right now. And you might use the simple formula saying, I feel blank. About blank. You might also use parts language saying part of me feels a certain way, and part of me feels another way. Most of us suffer from some degree of alexithymia, which is a fancy way of saying, I don't know how I feel. There's a great app called How We Feel. You can get it at how we feel.org. And it has a wonderful program. It's free. It can help you identify emotions, process emotions. It has this great journaling assistant to ask you good questions. And it can teach you more grounding techniques than you're learning tonight. So I would strongly recommend the How We Feel app. And if you want to go deeper into a specific thought or feeling, I want to teach you another tool from my new book, Outgrow Porn, called the 10 Befriending Questions. It's at the end of chapter two. These questions are so helpful. They're often the questions that therapists will ask during EMDR or brain spotting or IFS, but you can ask them to yourself. You don't need to have some kind of degree or license to ask good questions. They're called befriending questions because they allow you to befriend your brain rather than battle your brain. Once you have identified a feeling, here are 10 befriending questions you can ask to get to know that feeling and find out what's underneath it so that you can connect with this part of you rather than fight an exhausting battle against this part of you. Whether it's an emotion or a sexual thought or feeling, here are the 10 befriending questions. Number one, how am I feeling? Number two, where do I feel this in my body? Number three, on a scale of one to ten, how strong is this feeling? Number four, this one is my favorite. If this feeling could talk, what would it say? Number five. If so, what does it look like? For example, it might look like a little boy or an animal or a color or a character. It might look like a character from the movie Inside Out. In any case, see if you can picture this feeling. Number six, what does this feeling want me to do? Number seven, where might this feeling be coming from? Earlier in the day, earlier in the week, maybe even earlier in adulthood or earlier in childhood. Number eight, why does it make sense that I'm feeling this way? What makes it make sense? Number nine, what legitimate need is underneath this feeling? And think specifically of attachment needs. The need to feel seen, soothed, safe, secure, the need for connection, protection. Emotional, relational needs. And number 10, how can I meet that underlying need? You don't need to be able to answer every question. Even just answering two or three will help you respond rather than react. I love these questions. I'm a little biased. The assumption behind these befriending questions is that emotions are not bad. Sexual thoughts and feelings are not problems to be solved. They have their own personalities. We can make friends with them. They can become gifts when we really get to know them. If you want to learn more about that, read outgrow porn. Okay, we have now tried five different grinding techniques: deep breathing, power breathing, observing our five senses, observing our feelings, and asking the ten befriending questions. Now, the sixth technique and the rest of them are more open-ended. And we've already started to use this next one a little bit in one of the befriending questions. It can be very grounding to use your imagination. Our imaginations are so powerful. And that's why porn appeals to us so strongly because it captures the emotional, creative, passionate side of our brains, our right brains. We can actually use our imagination and reclaim it for the purpose of recovery. What does that look like? You can use your imagination to engage with Jesus, your inner child, your parts, and simply allow an interaction to unfold naturally. This is something that we often do in HMA at Fantasy Friday every week. It's so powerful. It's something that I witness with my clients regularly through brain spotting, IFS, through healing prayer. So there are so many different ways that this can look. For now, I'm going to invite you to choose whether to engage with Jesus if you have a positive view of who he is, or your inner child, if you have a positive relationship with your inner child, or perhaps with one of the emotions or feelings that you mentioned before, if you feel like you're able to do that. And take a moment to visualize Jesus or your inner child or one of your parts, and simply notice what happens. Think of it like watching a movie. A scene comes into your mind. You're not trying to force it, you're just flowing with it and watching your processing wherever it goes. See what happens. Dave says, I'm imagining my inner child and telling him about all the tools that he will one day learn. And for the first time, he is feeling hopeful. That's so cool. Chris says, the IFS work using my imagination has been a great tool in my healing journey. What I heard Jesus say to my inner child made a powerful difference. Awesome. The imagination bridges the gap between your head and your heart. If you, for example, if you know intellectually that God loves you, or that a certain activity is harmful, but in your heart you feel unloved, or you feel the need for that harmful activity. Your imagination can bring these two parts of you into alignment. Imagination is often the bridge between how we think and how we feel because it includes both. Bill says, I saw Jesus and I sitting by a campfire, and he asked me to ask him any questions I have about anything and to not hold back. Beautiful. Isn't that what so many of us have needed in the area of sexuality? Justin says, Drew, in your experience, is there a form of imagination that is more helpful than another? I mean, everyone's different. Some people experience aphantasia, where they literally can't consciously engage mental imagery. They just don't get images. They'll get sounds, body sensations, smells, but no shapes in their mind. Personally, I find a lot of power in brain spotting. You got to find what works for you. The emmanual approach is a really wonderful way of engaging Jesus with your imagination. Part of the reason why imagination is so helpful is because it's creative, it puts you in the posture of creating rather than consuming. It's literally just taking in the pixels, the motion, the movement. Whereas when you read a book, your imagination co-creates the story with the words on the page. Audiobooks are similar. Because you can't see what's happening in a story physically, you have to see it with your imagination. And this is one reason why I think reading a book can be more regulating at times than watching a movie. And yet, for some people, it might feel inaccessible and it might feel like too much work in the moment. It is easier to watch a movie because you're consuming rather than co-creating. Here is one of the best, most beautiful grounding techniques I have ever found. The seventh one I want to teach you is simply to make something. To make something of what you're feeling. Write. Journal. Draw. There was one night when I felt so sexually tempted that I thought, I have two choices right now. What I'm feeling is so intense. I'm either going to go and numb out and allow that dysregulation to totally drive the rest of the night for me, or I'm going to express what I'm intensely feeling through writing a song. And I wrote a gritty, raw, brutally honest song that became an anthem for Husband Material called The Lord Will Fight for You. Creating that song, writing that song was so regulating for me. It was like a lament. It was taking what was happening on the inside and putting it on the outside. There are so many ways to do that. I love seeing students in Husband Material Academy do their creative capstones. Poetry, music, dancing, carving, all kinds of different art, people taking their internal world and externalizing it in a creative way. In a moment, or even outside of a moment of temptation, it is so helpful to make something, even if it's making food, even if it's creating order in your house by cleaning things up, even if it's making a phone call, even if it's making your bed, like get your brain out of consumer mode and into creator mode. And that's one reason why journaling can be really helpful in this process. It takes what's happening within you and puts it out of you onto a page. So in this moment, I want to invite you to take one of the things that you've been feeling lately or thinking lately, and take a pencil or a pen and a piece of paper and put it on that page. Whether that means drawing it, writing it, creating a mind map of it, or a chart, or a table, or spreadsheet. Make it. And it can look different. It can look like creatively arranging flowers. It can look like creatively horseback riding or creatively fixing a roof. Like find your creativity and access it. Make time for it. It can actually be very grounding for you. It can put you into a flow state rather than feeling overwhelmed by whatever you're feeling emotionally and sexually. So my question for you with this technique is what do you like to create? What is your creativity? Let me know in the chat. Tim says, I was so shocked at the impact that my art therapy picture had on me at the HM retreat. I really wanted to dismiss this activity, but instead I did it and it has really changed me. Tim, that's so beautiful. The art therapy workshop at the recent husband material retreat was a beautiful example of healing through creativity. As David Grant, the founder of Brain Spotting, has said there is no healing without creativity, and there is no creativity without healing. Okay, what is your creativity? Dave says poetry. Clayton says music and singing. Chris says line art. Justin says doodling. Rod says drawing, songwriting, gardening. Joe says painting, building, me and God working and talking together. Sole says, I draw, write, and sing. Bill says, I love working on tools to make tasks at work go smoother through spreadsheets. That is awesome. Don says, playing the piano in the dark is very therapeutic. That's your creativity. That is a resource for you. That is part of what will help you regulate when your brain and your body are on fire, feeling like you have no other option than to go back to the old neuropathways of consuming sexual content in order to feel normal. Creativity is so much more than a hobby, so much more than a nice thing to do. It is a lifeline. And it is so life-giving when you actually make the space for it. Be a creator instead of consumer. And number eight goes along with that. Move your body. Literally. Right now, in this moment, if you can move, stand up. I'm gonna stand up here. I'm just gonna do this. I want everybody who's with me. If you're listening to this recorded or if you're with me live, wherever you are, if possible, stand up and move. Just move. Shake it out, roll it around, stretch, do whatever your body wants to do in this moment. Wake up the parts of your body that may have been asleep or just existing and engage them. You may even want to move through tapping. See if you can tap the different parts of your body, just touch all over and notice your embodiment. Feel so much more than just the tips of your fingers or the thoughts in your head. Top of your head to the tips of your toes. Simply move and touch and feel. Porn actually takes us out of our bodies. It is a disembodied experience where we drift off into dissociation and we go somewhere else, other than the present moment, right here, right now. Be fully alive, to be fully energized and present. We have to move. We have to be more than just brains on a stick. So everything we do at husband material retreats and healing weekends is embodied. We want to engage our bodies because when we do so, we access the whole sum of who we are, and we we help the healing process so much more than we could ever do by simply just talking or thinking. So get into your body and notice how that affects you. Let me know in the chat what's happening for you as you move. It's bringing joy to me right now. I'm feeling joy with you guys. Feeling kind of silly, feeling kind of playful. Are you with me? Are you moving? Some of you might feel resistance toward movement. Some of you might feel impeded in your movement. That's okay too. Move in a way that feels good for you. When you move, there is a similar shift from consumer to creator. I would describe it as the shift from passive to proactive. The path toward a porn relapse is paved with passivity, not with intentionality. It's a passive experience of scrolling and seeing something and just going along with it, and very passively drifting and sliding and slipping slowly or quickly towards something that you don't really want, but you're just passively moving toward it. When you move your body, you are being proactive instead of passive. There are many ways to be proactive, but that's a game changer to say, I'm going to do something on purpose rather than I'm just going to settle for whatever seems good enough right now. Clayton says, Moving is so key. I'm most at risk when I'm just sitting around. Hiking and running is very healing for me. For me, too, Clayton. That's part of my creativity. That's a huge part of my movement. When we move, things happen. I did an episode a few months ago called 20 Benefits of Running or Walking that went into so many of the reasons why getting outside and going for a walk or a run can be regulating, including bilateral stimulation, experiences in nature, solitude, community, all kinds of things. But running and walking is not the only movement. And each of us have unique ways that we like to move. So find yours. Bill says, I dissociate a lot. This brought me out of it. Exactly. Exactly. It brings you back to your body. It brings you back home to being grounded. And movement can be playful. You know, play is very regulating. When you play, you are literally strengthening the connection between your parasympathetic nervous system and your sympathetic nervous system, going back and forth between states of fight or flight and connection. There's a competitive, aggressive nature of it that quickly shifts into laughter and banter, going back and forth between action and rest, between trash talk and words of affirmation. Play can be very regulating and strengthening your nervous system. I talked about that in an episode about play and awe. If you want to go back to a previous episode and hear more about that, move your body and be playful. And number nine, this is the second to last grounding technique for today, is remember who you are. This is why I end every episode of Husband Material with the same words. Always remember you are God's beloved son, and you he is well pleased. What identity statements are grounding and centering for you? Type them in the chat. Justin says, I am a son of God. Tim says, Jesus loves me. This I know. Ed says, I am chosen by God. My first few years of sexual recovery while I was in college, I kept a list of identity statements of who I am in Christ above my bed. And every night I would look at that list and remember that I am redeemed. I am free. I am clean. I am not alone. I am born of God, and the evil one cannot touch me. I've been given God's grace lavishly and without restriction. I am united to Christ. I have been crucified with Christ, buried with Christ, raised with Christ. I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-control. There are so many good ones. And I will include a link to those identity statements in the description below. Clayton says, I am loved, chosen, held, and forgiven. Soul says, I'm a man and I'm enough. Dave says, I am fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God. Therefore I lack nothing and I am enough. Having been carefully crafted by God, he has equipped me with everything I need to confidently and humbly fulfill his plan for my life and boldly live out my faith as a man among men. Wow, Dave. That's more than just an identity statement. That is just incredible. So remember who you are. And the final grounding technique that can be used in conjunction with any of the different tools I've laid out for you so far is to co-regulate with a trusted, safe friend. You can do any of these things that we've talked about today with a friend. Deep breathing, power breathing. You can observe your five senses. You can observe your emotions. You can ask the befriending questions to a friend. You can engage your imagination together, make something together, move your body together, and remember who you are together. Looking into the eyes of another man and hearing him declare who you truly are is absolutely priceless. These identity statements can be even more powerful when spoken out loud directly in the context of a relationship where you're truly known and seen. So do any of these things with a friend to co-regulate because biologically, co-regulation precedes self-regulation. We are not born with the ability to regulate ourselves. It's something that we learn over time, hopefully, from a primary caregiver. It's something that we're designed to learn in relationships. And when that doesn't happen, things like porn become substitutes for human connection and co-regulation. So any of these activities can be done with a friend. And especially if you are feeling like you just can't do any of these tools. Borrow your brother's brain when yours isn't working. I realize this can be a catch-22 because it can be hard to make that call. Maybe for some of you, it feels like a leap of faith. Maybe it feels like a redemptive risk to call someone or to text someone or to knock on someone's door and say, hey, not okay. I need help. And that's exactly what we need to do sometimes. I actually am going to do that later tonight. I've been obsessing about something lately that I don't want to keep to myself. So I've texted a friend and I'm going to call him as soon as I can. Because co-regulation is not something we graduate from or outgrow. Guys, it's the core of how we were designed to live in community and connection. And all these tools are great, but they're way better when you're with someone. Tim says hearing my friends speak truth over me and affirm my identity and agree with me in my confession is cleansing, uplifting, and shame-breaking.

SPEAKER_01: 59:26

Amen.

SPEAKER_02: 59:28

Keith says, this husband material community has been great for co-regulating. I love that. It's a resource. You have tools in your toolbox. You have options when it feels like the only option is to go back to an old behavior or a pacifier that doesn't serve you anymore. You have a way out. In fact, there are many ways out. And while it's oftentimes difficult to want To use these tools. When you know which ones are easiest and most effective, outgrowing porn doesn't have to feel like a battle. It can feel like a blessing. So my last question to you tonight is this Which one of these grounding techniques will you try next? Which one felt most helpful and most valuable? Ed says 54321. Scott says, power breathing. Let's go. Justin says, I need to get creative. You are creative. Let it happen. Joe says, befriending questions. Keith says, three of them. Clayton says, I will try reaching out to a friend. That's brave. One member of the husband material community asked, would it be beneficial to practice grounding techniques before we are aware that we need them? Yes, absolutely. When you do some of these techniques, while you are regulated and while you are feeling generally good, you create those neuropathways so that they already exist and your brain already feels somewhat comfortable with them. So that when you need them, it is so much easier to take that neuropathway. Think about it like creating a trail. If that trail hasn't been used in a while, maybe there are branches lying across it, boulders in the way. You think, oh, I'm gonna take that trail. But then it's it's hard. It has a lot of resistance. Whereas if you are taking that trail every day by the time you need it, it'll be there. It'll be clear. It'll be ready for you. That's what happens in our brains. It's called neuroplasticity. So, yes, it is so beneficial. And I think it's actually essential for us to practice doing some of these things before we need them, so that in the moment, we're much more likely to actually choose it because there's less resistance. There was another question about how to ground yourself while you're in public or busy settings. Many of these techniques can be done in public or even in just a few seconds. For example, observing your five senses. That's something you can do anytime, anywhere. I think deepening your breathing is relatively inconspicuous. Power breathing would definitely turn some heads and probably not be a great idea in public. So maybe wait till you're alone for that one. But moving your body, remembering who you are, these are things that don't require you to be in private or even to have a minute. You can do some of these things in five to ten seconds, you know? I am chosen, I am loved, I'm redeemed. Justin says, are there great ways to make these techniques part of our daily routines? Yes. Absolutely. Make it part of your morning ritual to breathe. Maybe to do a feeling wheel or a core emotion wheel, to remember who you are. Repeat some of those identity statements out loud. To move your body, exercise, get outside. All of those can really set the tone for the rest of the day. And I have found that mornings, for me, tend to be the most effective times to do some of these things. Partially because by establishing more regulation in the morning, I get to draw on that for the rest of the day. Like when I go for a run first thing in the morning, it affects my energy and how I feel in the afternoon, in the evening. It helps me go to sleep at night. So we can set ourselves up for regulation by starting with it first thing in the morning. That's actually a pretty good idea. I've never thought of that before. But yeah, you can front load some of these practices at the start of the day. And I think that has benefits for when you get triggered and tempted later on. Neuroplasticity is amazing. Your brain can change. Your heart can heal. Your relationships can be restored. And I hope these 10 ways to regulate without porn give you the menu that you need. Not just when you're triggered or tempted, but throughout the week. So that when the time comes for you to put them into practice, you're ready. Thank you for taking this adventure with me and trying out many of the techniques. I would love to hear your feedback on this episode in the husband material community. And let me know if you want me to make that album of different audio tracks that you could listen to as a way to regulate. I love you guys so much. Thank you for taking the redemptive risk to stay with me this whole time. And I want to hear from you guys when you use one of these tools and you notice how it affects you. Come into the husband material community. Let us know. Let's celebrate our wins. Let's lift each other up. And always remember you are God's beloved son, and you, he is well pleased.