Welcome to the Husband Material Podcast, where we help Christian men outgrow porn. Why? So you can change your brain, heal your heart, and save your relationship. My name is Drew Boa, and I'm here to show you how. Let's go.

Have you ever wondered if a certain type of sexual behavior is okay or not? Maybe you've agonized over this type of decision. Maybe you've gone back and forth and tried different things and you still feel confused about a specific behavior or a specific activity that just doesn't seem morally clear. Maybe it's something that you have wanted to do by yourself, or maybe it's something sexual that you've wanted to try with your wife or girlfriend, or maybe it's something that you see others doing, and you wonder if it would be right for you. Today we're talking about how to evaluate any sexual behavior. This is a different kind of episode because this show is not primarily about ethics, it's about empowerment. And at the same time, we do need to address ethical questions. My hope is that today you will come away with wisdom about how you make decisions. I hope that when you face a difficult question about sexual ethics and what's right and wrong, that you'll have more clarity and confidence and helpful categories in order to make those decisions. I don't necessarily want you to agree with me about everything, because frankly, my views on sexual ethics are continuing to mature. This topic is extremely sensitive and personal for me because I recently made a very public mistake on this podcast promoting a sexual behavior that I thought could be helpful, until brave listeners and wise professionals confronted me. Because what I thought was healthy was actually harmful. And there may be other behaviors that you grew up viewing as harmful that might actually be healthy in the right context. So today, let me make it very simple for you. When you are evaluating any sexual behavior, remember the three eyes: integrity, intimacy, and impact. Let's start with integrity. The word integrity has the same root as the word integer, which means whole, like a whole number. So a person of integrity is a whole person, someone who doesn't live a double life. Integrity means consistency between your beliefs and your behaviors and your choices. So if you're a Christian evaluating a sexual behavior, does this behavior align with Christianity? And some of the primary ways we can figure that out are, first of all, looking at the Bible. What does the Bible say about this sexual behavior? And unfortunately, there are many, many sexual behaviors that the Bible does not directly address. So, in this case, my next question would be: how does this behavior align with the character of Jesus? This may pose a challenge because we don't know very much about Jesus' sexuality other than that he was a single man. Yet when we look at how Jesus related to people, especially how he related to women, there's a lot we can learn about his character. He was loving and kind and compassionate. He was concerned for others. He put others before himself. And this is an attitude that we can take into our sexuality. We know that Jesus was motivated by his love for God and his love for other people. And this can help us make decisions about sexual ethics. When Jesus addressed sexual ethics in the Sermon on the Mount, he wasn't just concerned with behavior. He was concerned with motivation. And that should inform the way we make sexual decisions. It's not just what are you doing? It's why are you doing it? Is this behavior an expression of love for God and love for others and learning how to love yourself in a Christ-like way? Or is it taking from others? Is it consuming others? Is it objectifying others? In Jesus, we see integrity. His beliefs and his behaviors were perfectly aligned. He wasn't just concerned with doing the bare minimum of what's morally required by God's law. No, he wanted to do exactly what the Father said. He wanted to follow exactly where the Spirit led. If you are a follower of Jesus, integrity means more than asking if a certain behavior is allowed. It means asking if a certain behavior is aligned. If we follow Jesus and if we want to be people of integrity, we need to ask better questions than whether or not a certain behavior is right or wrong. When guys ask me if a certain sexual behavior is okay or not, underneath that question, I hear another question, which is this how much can I get away with without sinning? It's as if they're driving along a road and staying as close to the edge of the road as possible without going off a cliff. Now, while I'm happy that they're not going off the cliff, wisdom doesn't aim for the edge of the road. Wisdom stays in the center. Keep your focus on the center instead of drifting to the side. Don't aim for the border, aim for the bullseye. That's why the first eye is integrity. Not just asking if a behavior is allowable, but asking if it's aligned with what the Bible says, with who God is, and with the heart of Jesus. We know that God created sexuality to be an expression of his covenant love. It's meant to be relational, connected, committed. And that's why the second eye is intimacy. Sexuality is our divinely designed engine for intimacy. And marriage is designed to reflect God's covenant love. And that's why I believe it's not just advisable, but essential that for married men, any sexual behavior you pursue should only be done with the full awareness and consent of your wife. Hiding and lying is not okay. And I realize this is going to be really challenging for some of you guys. It's absolutely heartbreaking when you're in a marriage where there's so much pain and difficulty and distance that sexuality is not an active part of your life or your relationship. So if you're married, wondering if a certain sexual behavior is okay for you, here are the questions I can encourage you to ask. Does your wife know about this behavior? Or is it a secret? What's her view of this behavior? Because as much as possible, you want to honor her values, not just yours. And finally, how does she feel about this behavior? Because even if she gives you begrudging permission to engage in a certain behavior under pressure, that is not true consent. If you have her active support and blessing and appreciation of a behavior, that's different from a sense of obligation. If you're wondering if a certain sexual behavior is okay for you to pursue with your wife, please, please be as sensitive as you can to the reality that underneath a hesitant yes from your wife, there may be a deeper no. She may be agreeing to something out of fear or shame or her own trauma. Sometimes the most loving, intimate way to relate to your wife is to reassure her that you are committed to abstaining from any behavior that might threaten the relationship or her sense of safety. In any case, I encourage you to make this fundamental shift in your mindset. Don't think in terms of a one-person psychology. Think in terms of a two-person psychology. This is a phrase that I picked up from one of the betrayal trauma professionals who challenged me recently. Because when you're married, you're no longer operating as an individual. You're operating with the interest of your spouse and the interest of the relationship first. So even if you view a certain sexual behavior as acceptable, that doesn't necessarily make it okay. That's why we need to prioritize intimacy over individuality when making these decisions. Because in the context of a couple, these are not questions of individual morality. Intimacy comes first. Remember, don't think in terms of a one-person psychology, think in terms of a two-person psychology. And the final category I encourage you to consider when evaluating any sexual behavior is impact. How does this behavior affect you? How does it affect her? How does it affect the two of you? My friend Andrew Lloyd once told me, Drew, I like to take the WTF approach. What's the fruit? WTF stands for what's the fruit? In other words, what's the impact? What's the result of this behavior? We know that the fruit of the Holy Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. The opposite of those things is lust, depression, anxiety, impatience or immediate gratification, indifference, injustice or evil, unfaithfulness, harshness, and addiction. So for any sexual behavior you might be considering, what's the fruit? Is it the fruit of the spirit? Is it leading you into love, joy, and peace? Or is it contributing to lust and addiction and objectification? I believe at the most basic level, God designed sex and sexuality for connection, pleasure, and creativity. So does this sexual behavior fulfill that design? Do you feel more connected or more disconnected as a result of the behavior? Does it bring pleasure only, or is it also causing pain for you or for your partner? Or in the context of porn, it very well may be causing pain for the performers and the people on the other side. There's a whole world of injustice and sex trafficking on the other side of the screen. That is part of the impact we need to consider when evaluating certain sexual behaviors. And in any behavior, are you a creator or a co-creator? Or are you just a consumer? Who are you becoming as a result of this behavior? And I realize that may or may not lead to clarity. That's why I encourage you to please, please, please hold your positions on sexual ethics with humility. Be open to the possibility that you may be wrong about something. You may change your mind later on. So get wisdom from people you trust. Ask for advice. Don't make these decisions on your own. And don't just think in black and white, right and wrong, and take heart. I know questions about sexual ethics can be confusing and overwhelming. Here's some good news. You don't have to have all the answers. You do need to be wise and discerning. So the next time you're wondering if a certain type of sexual behavior is okay or not, remember the three eyes: integrity, intimacy, and impact. Integrity is not about allowing as many different types of sexual behavior as possible within your definition of what's okay. Integrity is about alignment, aligning your behaviors and your beliefs as much as possible. Don't aim for the border, aim for the bullseye. Make these decisions in the context of intimacy, not isolation. Secrecy fuels addiction. Honesty is healing. So if you're married, make sure that you give your wife a voice and a choice when it comes to your sexual behavior, because this is not a one-person psychology, it's a two-person psychology. And begrudging permission is not true consent. What you really want is her full blessing and support so that you can build trust and restore intimacy. And finally, when evaluating any sexual behavior, pay attention to the impact. What's the fruit? Remember the WTF approach. What's the fruit? How does this behavior affect you and impact others? As we ask these questions, we need input from other people. We need safe places to talk about this stuff. We need wise guides to challenge us. The Husband Material Community is designed to be a place where you can ask any question that might be coming up for you in this episode. So I encourage you to join us in the Husband Material community at husbandmaterial.com and let's continue to help each other change our brains, heal our hearts, save our relationships, and always remember you are God's beloved Son, and you, he is well pleased.