So you want to outgrow porn. But how? How do you change your brain, heal your heart, and save your relationship? Welcome to Husband Material with Drew Boa, where we answer all these questions and more! Each episode makes it easier for you to achieve lasting freedom from porn—without fighting an exhausting battle. Porn is a pacifier. This podcast will help you outgrow it and become a sexually mature man of God.
What's your plan for outgrowing porn? The Five Circles tool will help you define what freedom looks like, why it matters, and how to set yourself up for success.
Welcome to the Husband Material podcast, where we help Christian men outgrow porn. Why? So you can change your brain, heal your heart and save your relationship. My name is Drew Boa and I'm here to show you how let's go. Today, we are talking about the five circles of freedom from porn. Maybe you've heard of the three circles of recovery. Nick Stumbo taught about the three circles at our Porn Free man conference a few months ago.
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I heard someone talk about five circles of recovery and I absolutely loved it, so I want to share this tool with you, specifically for freedom from porn. I first heard about this concept in a presentation called From Three Circles to Five by Stacey Sprout, an expert in sex and love addiction. If you're interested in her work, you can go down to the link in the show notes, and this presentation blew my mind. I loved it so much that I want to share some of those insights with you now, specifically for freedom from porn. If you're working on outgrowing porn, this tool is really going to help you, and even if you already have a recovery plan, I think these five circles are going to make your plan even better and if you would like some extra structure, I've created a worksheet to help you create your five circles of freedom from porn. Go down to the link in the show notes for this episode to get the worksheet. Here we go. Let's talk about the five circles of freedom from porn, and if you would like to follow along with this presentation, I want to invite you to get out a piece of paper and draw five concentric circles. So the smallest circle is in the middle and then they get bigger and bigger and bigger. So it should look like a target with the smallest circle right in the center in the bullseye. That bullseye is what we call the inner circle.
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The inner circle is relapse. It is the set of behaviors that you want freedom from, so this could include porn. It could include masturbating to fantasy, in-person sexual acting out, hooking up. It can also include things like keeping secrets from your partner, lying, deception. These inner circle behaviors harm you, they harm others, and it's really helpful to get clarity about exactly what you want freedom from. This allows you to define sobriety. My best advice about this inner circle of destructive behavior is to reframe relapse. Circle of destructive behavior is to reframe relapse. Don't view it as failure. View it as feedback. Don't beat yourself up, don't shame yourself. Be honest about it and learn from it. If you want to hear more about that, check out my episode on how to reframe relapse. So get really clear on that inner circle so you can define what it means for you to be sexually sober. And then, as you move out to the circle directly touching the inner circle, the second layer. This is what we call the slippery slope.
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The rituals that precede a relapse precede a relapse. You know you're getting into the middle circle when you're drifting in a direction that eventually leads you back to the place you don't want to go. Some common rituals that precede relapse could be scrolling on social media late at night. One of the most common and understandable mistakes that we make while pursuing freedom from porn is underestimating our middle circle. A classic sign that you've entered the middle circle is when you're drifting. Now there are lots of activities that are not bad, like playing video games or binge watching a TV show playing video games or binge watching a TV show but when you consider, is this what you really want to be doing right now, or are you simply drifting into this because you're feeling overwhelmed by stress, or you're avoiding something, or you're trying to numb An experience that you would rather not feel. The middle circle is dangerous, which is why, for every behavior in this part of the circle, you need guardrails Guardrails that protect you from these rituals that precede relapse. An example of a guardrail might be putting a boundary on when and where I can use my devices. Most men watch porn in their bedroom or their bathroom, so maybe those places should be off limits for your phone. These guardrails are there to protect you from the slippery slope that leads back to relapse, and while it is helpful to have guardrails and boundaries, really the most effective way to stay out of the slippery slope is to stay in what we call the outer circle.
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Healthy habits. These are the practices and the activities that keep you healthy, that keep you connected, that keep you feeling more like yourself, and they can include very basic things like getting enough sleep, getting exercise, connecting with friends and doing recovery work, like attending a support group or working with your coach. All of these fall into the category of healthy habits, and we might even call it self-care. Men outgrowing porn are notoriously resistant to self-care. We will spend all of our time caring for other people, making sure that kids are okay, working multiple jobs, trying really hard to rebuild our marriage. How much time do we really take for ourselves? For some guys, porn is the closest thing to self-care in their life. So, really, self-care is not selfish. It's actually exactly what you need to stay healthy, to stay out of the danger zone and the slippery slope, in order to be the man you want to be.
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I remember when I was a stay-at-home dad caring for my daughter, I was so overwhelmed. I needed more childcare support. But I felt so guilty about getting even more babysitting so that I could care for myself, so that I could go back to my healthy habits. And a counselor told me Drew, the truth is, when you get more babysitting help, that's not selfish. That's actually allowing you to be more of your best self. When you are with your daughter and when you are with your wife, healthy habits fill you up. Are with your wife, healthy habits fill you up. They give you life, they recharge your batteries so that when you go back to your family or your friends or your job, you have more of yourself to give. And I call them habits, because these are not one-time activities, these are regular rhythms of rest. We all need that. When we don't give ourselves what we need emotionally and relationally, then we are far more likely to settle for the sexualized version of what we really need. Lives of my clients. I see again and again that when we are not drained but filled up by healthy habits, we are at a much lower risk of relapse. So now here's what I want you to do. I want you to fill in those first three circles. What behaviors belong in your inner circle? The things that you want freedom from? Then fill up your middle circle. What are those behaviors that put you at risk of relapse? Even if they're not necessarily bad, they take you down that slippery slope. No-transcript. And finally, in that outer circle of healthy habits, write down the activities that you need to build as regular rhythms to stay healthy and connected and safe. Now that's where the three circles model ends. Stacey Sprout has taken this model from three circles to five, and the fourth circle is vision.
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What do you deeply want? I'm not just talking about sobriety. I'm talking about the dreams and desires in your heart. This is a question I often ask to men who are interested in working with me why do you want to be free from porn? Who are interested in working with me? Why do you want to be free from porn. What's in it for you, as Jay Stringer asks at the end of his book Unwanted? What do you want to be free for?
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This is not just about freedom from porn. It's freedom for something bigger and better and better, whether it's faith or relationships or work or just enjoying life. There is so much more to life Than staying away from unhealthy, unwanted sexual behavior. So I'm inviting you to dream, because if you stop at the outer circle of healthy habits, you still are living life day to day without a bigger story, without something that can actually motivate you to do those healthy things. Life is not just about recovery and staying healthy. It's about the things that recovery and health allow you to do. So what is that for you? What you write in this fourth circle might include some long-term goals like where do you want to be in three years, five years, ten years? What do you want to have that you don't currently have? What do you want to be different than the way it is now? Having something bigger that you're working toward than just the daily disciplines of healthy habits is really important. And there's something even bigger than that, and this is the fifth circle of freedom Purpose. Purpose is not just about what you do. Purpose is about who you are and the unique reflection of the image of God that you bring to this world. Purpose is bigger than career. Purpose is bigger than ministry or family or all of these different roles that we play. It's deeper than that.
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I'm talking about your goodness, beauty and strength, the man God made you to be. One aspect of my purpose is actually in my name. My full name is Andrew Alexander Boa. Andrew means manly and Alexander means protector of men. So my name is literally manly, protector of men. Isn't that incredible? If you're watching the video, I'm going to show you this sign that some friends made for me once Andrew Alexander Boa, manly, protector of Men. And I had no idea that would lead who I am. It's empowering, it gives me courage, it gives me confidence, it fires me up. Man, that is who I truly am, that is who I want to be, and anything that doesn't fully fit with that needs to be reexamined.
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When I am living out my true purpose in that fifth circle, I am farthest away from the middle circle and the inner circle.
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This is one of the most beautiful gifts of this five circles model.
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It's bigger than just you doing healthy habits. It's you stepping into the vision and purpose of a better story, because porn is a small story. Live a bigger, better story where porn doesn't make sense, and you'll experience so much more freedom, maybe more freedom than you thought was possible. And the times that we're most at risk of going back to our old ways are when we get out of touch with our purpose or vision just feels too far away, we neglect our healthy habits, we settle for the slippery slope and before we know it, we're back in relapse. If you want to be free from porn, view relapse as feedback, not failure, get really clear about the slippery slope that you want to avoid, set up guardrails and healthy habits and then, even more importantly than that, have a clear vision of what you want for your life and discover who you truly are. Having security in your identity and purpose is the foundation of lasting freedom from porn, of lasting freedom from porn, and that's why I will always remind you that you are God's beloved son and you he is well-pleased.
