Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to the Husband Material podcast, where we help Christian men outgrow porn. Why? So you can change your brain, heal your heart and save your relationship. My name is Drew Boa and I'm here to show you how let's go. Today we are talking about the power of first mention in sex education. Can you remember the first time you heard the word sex, penis, vagina or porn? What about the word gay, lesbian or trans? I invite you to pick a word like that. Let's just use the word masturbation, for example, and think back. When did you first hear that word mentioned? Who introduced it to you? How did they talk about it? What did they say? How did you feel and how did that affect you?

Speaker 1: 0:59

Whoever introduces you to a topic for the very first time has authority and influence over you, because they are creating your first impression of whatever that is. This is true in many areas of life. Politically, it affects how we view different candidates and different issues. It's true theologically. The first time you hear about a certain church denomination or a certain belief, and it's also true sexually. The first time you hear about a certain sexual body part or sexual behavior is going to have a big impact on how you view that thing impact on how you view that thing.

Speaker 1: 1:47

In my sex education story I see the power of first mention so powerfully when I think about female genitals. So the vagina and the clitoris were very, very different in my mind because of the way that I first heard these terms. I first heard the word vagina from other kids in my fourth grade class who were being snarky, secretive. They talked about it like something dirty, nasty, gross and that was the first mention for me and I developed a rather negative association with that word. On the other hand, when I first heard about the clitoris in a sex education class I took as an adult, heard about the clitoris in a sex education class I took as an adult, I thought, wow, God made this part of the body so wonderfully and beautifully. I mean, that's true for the vagina and for the clitoris. But the first time I heard these terms and who I heard them from made a huge difference in how I felt about them and in the male body. I learned about the penis first and then the testicles when I got a little older and when it comes to male genitals I had never heard the word prostate. Until I heard people talking about prostate cancer. I actually didn't understand what the prostate was or how it worked until less than a year ago when, at the husband material retreat, Dr Doug Carpenter gave me some sex education. That was long overdue, and now I am very glad I know what this part of the body is and how it works.

Speaker 1: 3:16

Guys, when it comes to any body part or any part of our sexuality, God made it very good. We can bless our body parts and also have boundaries around them, and it is so important for kids to learn about these things from an early age. Whenever parents don't introduce these concepts and terms, we are literally giving away the power of first mention to other people. The power of first mention is an incredible opportunity and it's an urgent need for parents and anyone else involved in sex education to be the first voice about any topic related to sexuality.

Speaker 1: 4:01

Think back to how you first heard about different body parts and sexual behaviors. Do you view those things as positive or negative, or maybe a confusing mix between the two? Do you view them as normalized or do you view them as magicalized? If conversations about sex and sexuality happen early and often you end up viewing it as a normal part of life, something we can talk about openly, something we can learn about and feel good about. Most of us did not get that. Instead, if it was never talked about or only very rarely, or maybe just once on, like a passport to purity retreat or something like that, then you learn this is a forbidden, dangerous, magical, secretive part of life that I can't talk about openly, a source of fear and shame and control, and that type of sex education sets up boys and girls for porn. More and more children and teens are turning to porn for the sex education that they can't get anywhere else because they're not hearing about things.

Speaker 1: 5:21

In the absence of healthy, ongoing, intimate conversations about sex and sexuality, porn often becomes the primary sex educator. And it's bigger than just porn. Across social media, in music, in movies, the wider world is talking about all kinds of sexual things all the time, and by doing so, they have taken the power of first mention on so many different topics, especially sexual topics, that aren't usually talked about in a safe, loving environment. Here's why this matters so much. Here's what I want you to get out of this episode Parents and future parents.

Speaker 1: 6:07

Please don't give away the power of first mention to someone else On topics like porn, sex, the body relationships and all those different, maybe seemingly inappropriate things that the wider culture is talking about. The power of first mention should not belong to pornography. The power of first mention should not even belong to a kid's peers. The power of first mention should belong to parents. When it comes to sexuality, sex, sexual issues, sexual ethics, pornography should not have the power of first mention. So if you're a parent of young kids or you're friends with parents of young kids, or one day you hope to be a parent of young kids, here's what I want you to do with parents of young kids, or one day you hope to be a parent of young kids. Here's what I want you to do Start introducing new sexual vocabulary words earlier than you think you need to. You can do this in an age-appropriate way. Here's the truth, guys. Kids are going to hear about all kinds of sexual topics from all kinds of people. Someone is going to have the power of the first mention in their lives, and that someone should be their dad and their mom. One of the best steps parents can take towards giving the next generation a better sex education is to increase your own knowledge, to increase your own comfort in talking about these things, and that's actually why we are going to have a breakout session at this year's Husband Material Retreat in September on sex education. It's going to be a place where you can ask any question about any sexual topic and get honest, accurate information. And that's how it should be. Sex education should be fun.

Speaker 1: 8:05

My favorite resource that I use with my kids, who are seven years old, four years old and two years old, is a guided conversation game on sexuality for parents and children called Having the Talks. It's got 107 cards. On one side of each card is a question for younger kids and on the other side is a question for older kids and it's got all kinds of topics related to marriage, body relationships, sex anatomy, feelings. They talk about everything in this card deck and my kids love it. They actually ask me to play. They'll say, hey, dad, can we do the talks? And around the dinner table we'll go through a few cards. It's not this super serious, secret, shame-filled part of life, it's just normal. We talk about it on the regular and it's kind of fun. That's the way it should be. And as we go through each topic in this card deck, I am claiming the power of first mention on all kinds of different topics related to sex, because I think that's my job as a dad.

Speaker 1: 9:16

I realize that for some of you who are parents of older children or adult children, you might be feeling a lot of guilt and shame right now because of the way that you didn't sexually educate them. Maybe you neglected the power of first mention and you gave that power away to their peers or to pornography without even knowing it. My friend, if that's you, there is still an incredible opportunity that you have with your kids to say I'm sorry. Wow. When I heard those words from my dad, I wept. I remember I was going on a hike with my dad, asking him questions about his childhood and his sexuality growing up. I asked about the sex education that he received and he said he got basically nothing. And then, essentially, my dad said I'm sorry for not giving you the sex education that you needed. That was so healing for me, that was such a gift. I felt closer to him and if you want to hear more about my story with my parents, I've got an episode called Healing With my Parents that shares the entire thing, Whether you're a parent of young kids or adult kids, or you want to be a parent someday, or even if you don't have kids at all.

Speaker 1: 10:43

Sex education is not over for any of us. We keep learning, we keep growing and if you want to find a safe place where you can ask any question about any sexual topic, consider coming to the Husband Material Retreat in September. You can go to husbandmaterialretreatcom slash retreat to find out more information, and I've also included links to resources like thesextalkcom Having the Talks and a few other podcast episodes in the description down below. Remember the first time you hear a word, especially about something sexual, has a powerful impact on you. So, parents, don't give the power of first mention away to someone else. Start introducing those new sexual vocab words earlier than you think you need to, and always remember, my friend, you are God's beloved son and you, he is well pleased.