Problems With Bouncing Your Eyes

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Welcome to the Husband Material podcast , where we help Christian men outgrow porn . Why ? So you can change your brain , heal your heart and save your relationship . My name is Drew Boa and I'm here to show you how let's go . Today , we are talking about the problems with bouncing your eyes , and yes , there are many problems .

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Bouncing your eyes refers to a strategy that was made famous in the book Every Man's Battle and Every Young Man's Battle that I read many years ago . The basic concept is this when you see someone or something that you find sexually attractive , immediately look away . In the words of Every Man's Battle , bounce away from the sexual like the jerk of your hand , away from a hot stove . And even as I say that , anger and frustration rise up in me , because this advice is not only ineffective , it's actually unkind , and I'll explain more of what I mean by that . In this episode , you will hear a story of when I recently tried bouncing my eyes and what happened as a result . I'm going to share three problems with this strategy and then , at the end , I'm going to tell you exactly what you can do instead when you see a sexually attractive person . I'm going to give you a way to respond to these thoughts that is effective and empowering . Okay , let's start with a story .

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On December 6th , I attended the Colorado Springs Christmas Parade with my two young sons , while my wife and daughter were out of town . We had so much fun . So many different , creative , interesting floats drove past . We enjoyed the Christmas lights , we found ways to stay warm . It was the perfect activity . And then one float drove along that featured 20 women on a raised up platform , all wearing outfits , with cowboy hats that made them look like cowgirls . And I thought that made them look like cowgirls , and I thought , oh , that's so fun , that's so cute , until I noticed one of the women was exactly the type of person I used to search for pornographically on the internet . It was exactly the type of person I used to fantasize about and masturbate to A tall , thin , blonde-haired woman laughing with a smile full of braces . It is so difficult for me even just to say that right now . I know many of you have heard me talk about my story and you've heard me talk about my sexual fetish . Even now , there's a part of me that wants to throw up , just in being vulnerable and telling you all about this , because the truth is , even after 10 years of freedom from porn . This still feels somewhat irresistible to me , and it wasn't actually just the fact of seeing someone with braces , and it wasn't actually just the fact of seeing someone with braces . It was seeing a beautiful woman dressed up in a cowgirl outfit , with braces , and looking back , it makes so much sense that this specific situation triggered me , because it wasn't just seeing someone with braces or even a beautiful woman with braces , it was the group of cowgirls being part of this celebration that took me right back to middle school in Dallas , texas , where all the cheerleaders wore cowgirl outfits , just like that .

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Of course , in the moment I didn't realize that , but instead of getting curious about what I was feeling , instead of allowing the about what I was feeling , instead of allowing the float to pass by , I reacted very strongly and I panicked . I bounced my eyes off of everybody on that float and I actually believe that was my big mistake . I actually believe that the problem was not seeing these women or feeling these feelings . The problem was how I responded . I didn't pause , I didn't check in with myself , I panicked and I did exactly what every man's battle told me to do I bounced my eyes , I looked down at my two boys until the float passed . And a minute later I glanced back up after the float was far away and I thought back to that woman and a part of me wanted to look .

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But of course by then it was too late and I assumed that I had successfully managed this sexual attraction . But deep down there was a lot of energy stored in my body and the tension I felt was only increasing . A few hours later I forgot about the experience , but that night I woke up at 1am extremely sexually aroused . Thankfully I finally was able to relax , calm down , go back to sleep and then I woke up again at 3 am that same night . My mind would not turn off . I tried to shut down sexual thoughts but eventually , at 3 am , I let them wander .

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My thoughts kept going back to the cowgirls who I knew during middle school and high school in Dallas , texas . Some of them had braces on their teeth and these are the girls that I used to fantasize about when I would masturbate . And let me be very clear Even just entertaining those thoughts and fueling the fire of those fantasies was lust . And as I allowed myself to lust and fueled the fire of those fantasies was lust , and as I allowed myself to lust and fueled the fire of those fantasies . The train of sexual temptation was speeding up faster and faster . Now , whether or not I looked at images on the internet or masturbated to them or access pornography , this is what I would call a slip , a sudden lapse in progress . Even if it wasn't a full relapse , it's still significant and it's still worth exploring and processing , because the posture of my heart was sinful whether or not I went back to unwanted sexual behavior .

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Since then , I've processed this experience . I've shared about it with my wife and I've asked myself what happened at that Christmas parade . Why were my sexual thoughts and feelings so strong that night ? Where did I go wrong ? What made this different ? Because this was not the only time I've been sexually or emotionally triggered lately . What made this experience different is that I responded to those triggers reflexively and reactively by bouncing my eyes . That's something that I responded to those triggers reflexively and reactively by bouncing my eyes . That's something that I haven't done in years . I haven't felt that fear and shame and looked away for a long , long time , and I haven't felt this level of sexual temptation in the middle of the night in a long , long time .

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I'm convinced that this decision to bounce my eyes was actually part of the problem . Let me tell you why . Before we talk about the problems , let's go back to the original teaching from the book Every Man's Battle Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time . According to page 125 , you can win this battle by training your eyes to bounce away from sights of pretty women and sensual images . If you bounce your eyes for six weeks , you can win this war .

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The problem is that your eyes have always bounced toward the sexual and you've made no attempt to end this habit . To combat it , you need to build a reflex action by training your eyes to immediately bounce away from the sexual , like the jerk of your hand away from a hot stove . Let's repeat that for emphasis when your eyes bounce toward a woman , they must bounce away immediately . There are so many problems with this quote . There are so many problems with this quote . First of all , the authors assume that men are only sexually attracted to women and they also say the problem is that your eyes have always bounced toward the sexual . Experiencing sexual attraction and arousal is not a problem . They say you have made no attempt to end this habit . That is also not true .

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Many of us have attempted to end the habit of giving into sexual temptation over and over again , sometimes using a strategy like bounce your eyes , which is ultimately an example of sexual repression , anti-sexuality , just a hostility toward this good part of who we are . When I hear the advice of bouncing your eyes , I hear that video of Bob Newhart pretending to be a therapist and telling someone just stop it , stop it . And there are so many problems with this approach . Here are the three major problems I see with this strategy for overcoming sexual temptation known as bouncing your eyes Number one , the rubber band rebound . Number two , the long-term limitations . And number three , the covert cruelty .

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Let's start with the rubber band rebound . Whenever you see someone who is extremely sexually attractive to you , whether in person , in a picture or in a video , your body goes into a state of hyper arousal . You experience tension . It's as if a rubber band is being stretched out and that tension is pushing you toward a release . And until that tension is released , you're going to experience a lot of discomfort and probably temptation to sexually act out . Here's the problem with bouncing your eyes Once that rubber band is stretched out and it's really tense , if you immediately look away , you don't actually release the tension . It's almost as if you stretch the rubber band out in the other direction because your brain goes into fight or flight . You're still in a state of hyper arousal . I hope this makes sense . This makes sense . So if your brain is feeling really sexually charged up and you bounce your eyes and you think , okay , I have to fight against that or I have to run away from that , stop thinking about that . You can just hear the tension continuing to build . Bouncing your eyes actually intensifies the sexual arousal that you feel toward this particular person or picture . Feel toward this particular person or picture and , as a result , sooner or later you are going to feel what I

Navigating Sexual Temptation With Grace

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call the rubber band rebound .

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It's when you feel that sexual energy and then you fight really hard against it or you try to run away from it and then it comes back with a vengeance . And that is exactly what happened to me the night of the Christmas parade . When I saw that group of cowgirls and the woman with braces standing on top of that platform , my brain immediately went into fight or flight . All of that tension in my body didn't go away . I just shoved it down and for a while it stayed dormant , until in the middle of the night it came back stronger than ever and now my defenses are down and my energy is low and I'm barely conscious . This is what I see again and again with men who are taking the purity culture approach to try to quit porn . They're fighting every man's battle , which is frustrating and exhausting .

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Because of problem number two , the long-term limitations , let me be very clear . There are times when it is wise and good to flee sexual temptation , as the Bible tells us to do , as a short-term strategy . For example , if I saw the cowgirl with braces later that night and she winked at me , or if she was hitting on me , or if she gave her number like , it would not be safe for me to continue in that conversation . I would need to remove myself in order to stay safe . That's a short-term strategy and if that were to happen , I would need to talk with someone about it . I would need to process what happened . Otherwise , the energy is going to stay trapped in my body . The energy is going to stay trapped in my body , and the same was true when I saw this parade float go by . If I bounce my eyes like I did , that cannot be the end of the strategy .

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I'm not saying that it was wrong for me to immediately look away from the cowgirls going by on the Christmas parade . Look away from the cowgirls going by on the Christmas parade . What I am saying is that was a short-term strategy and it was only dealing with the surface level symptoms rather than going deeper and asking the question what's really going on within me ? Why is this affecting so much ? Making connections between these sexual thoughts and feelings in my story . Now , we can't always do that in the moment , so short-term strategies are helpful , and if you really want to outgrow porn , if you really want lasting freedom , you have to go deeper and process what's underneath it , and I didn't do that that night . I simply resisted and repressed what was happening within me , and I can now see how all of this unprocessed energy truly did need a release , and what I settled for was a sexual release that night at 3 am . I'm not proud to say that I had allowed this train of sexual temptation to speed up so much that I was not able to regulate without some kind of sexual release . It was so overwhelming for me . In the end , I chose to masturbate while thinking about my wife , and I don't think it was lustful , it's still not who I want to be . If you want long-term , lasting freedom from porn , it requires going deeper than just bouncing your eyes .

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I do realize that for some of you , bouncing your eyes has been helpful . I'm not saying that it's wrong to do this . I'm saying that it's limited . It's a short-term , surface level strategy , but I encourage you to think about this as more of an emergency action step rather than what you're going to do every single day , because it's unsustainable , it's frustrating , it's exhausting . We are not designed to operate in a constant state of hypervigilance and threat . That's part of the problem with bouncing your eyes . This is a great strategy for a crisis and for an emergency , but in everyday situations , like what was happening for me at the Christmas parade , I don't need to set off the alarm and call in all the forces . It's more helpful to have a bigger toolbox than just bouncing your eyes . At the end of this episode , I'll tell you some of the tools that are in my toolbox that you can use when you're in that situation . So we've talked about the rubber band rebound , which is another way of saying that bouncing your eyes and repressing sexual energy actually intensifies temptation and puts you in this frustrating , exhausting battle . We've also talked about the long-term limits , because if you want your sexual recovery to be sustainable , you're going to need to go deeper than just trying to stop looking at certain kinds of people or certain kinds of stimulation .

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And finally , one of the most important problems I see with bouncing your eyes is the covert cruelty . I want to argue that this strategy is not only ineffective for the most part . I want to argue that this strategy is not only ineffective for the most part , it's also unkind for the most part . Underneath this impulse to immediately look away from anyone or anything that we find to be arousing or beautiful is self-hatred and a disdain for our sexuality , is self-hatred and a disdain for our sexuality , and I felt that toxic shame so strongly when I saw the cowgirls at the Christmas parade . I didn't look away from those women out of love for them . I looked away out of fear and out of shame , and that is really not kind to me or to them . The idea that bouncing your eyes off of a sexually attractive person could be unkind might be hard to understand , so I'm going to try to explain it as clearly as I can .

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Imagine that you are the type of man or the type of woman who often receives second glances , if you have the type of face or the type of body that people often envy . Imagine if , in your everyday life , you often see people looking at you for a long time , gazing at you , imagining what thoughts are going through their head . Of course , that's the experience of being objectified . There is a less obvious objectification that takes place when you're going through your daily life and everyone's looking away from you , when you're having conversations with people in a casual setting and they can't look you in the eyes or they're just avoiding you all the time . I know that people feel objectified when they can sense that someone's using them sexually . Yet at the same time , people feel objectified and dehumanized when someone's always trying to stop thinking about them sexually . Imagine what it would be like if many of the people with whom you interact on an everyday basis saw you as a threat and a source of sexual temptation and they related to you with avoidance or distance or not even acknowledging that you exist . This is a real problem .

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There is an appropriate context for noticing that someone's outfit looks really good . There's an appropriate context for saying hi and having a small talk with someone who's really sexually attractive and there's also a dangerous context for that . So we need to have the wisdom to know the difference . For me , on December 6th , at that Christmas parade , there was an appropriate context for me to see the women up there on that platform wearing their cowgirl outfits . I mean , at some level they wanted to be celebrated . That's why they're up there . I didn't need to squash my charged up feelings . I could simply let this float of the parade slowly move past me , see it , notice it , acknowledge it and let it pass . Instead , I took a militant stance of locking down anything that could have been coming up within me and I suffered the consequences later .

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If I'm ashamed of anything from that night , it's of my immaturity and inability to appreciate the beauty that was set before me in a healthy , God-honoring way . It's not objectifying and it's not predatory to notice that someone's beautiful , to see that they have a beautiful smile , to enjoy the clothes that they're wearing , to see them move past you like a float on a parade , let that come and then let it go . This is a very different approach than the approach of bouncing your eyes , which is rooted in fear , shame , control and purity culture . And , if you want to be a person who lives in Christ-like love . We need to take a different approach . Lust is about taking and using . Love is about sharing and receiving in healthy , appropriate ways . I want to argue that the opposite of lust is not purity in the sense of the absence of bad behaviors . The opposite of lust is Christ-like love , the presence of appreciation , honor , dignity and love .

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And if you want an alternative to bouncing your eyes , then let me tell you what I wished I had done at the Christmas parade . This is something you can do when you see a sexually attractive person . I wish I had taken my own advice and practiced BOA B-O-A which stands for breathe , observe , attune . This is one of the techniques that we teach at Husband Material Academy and I want to walk you through exactly how it could have helped me and how it can help you whenever you see a sexually attractive person or picture . First , I wish I had breathed . I wish I had taken a few deep breaths . Breathing is our superpower for self-regulation and it contributes to releasing tension . Remember how I talked about that rubber band . Breathing allows you to relax . It welcomes connection regulation . It is the quickest , most effective , most efficient way to calm your body when you're hyper aroused and to wake yourself up when you're numb or shutting down . So I wish I had breathed . When you breathe , you work with your sexuality instead of against it . You work with your body instead of against it . So that's the first thing that you can do when you see a sexually attractive person Just breathe .

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Second , I wished I had practiced mindfulness , non-judgmental observation , noticing hmm , those women are really attractive . Wow , that one right in the middle is smiling and laughing and she has braces on her teeth . Whoa , that really affects me right now . Nonjudgmental observation both applies to what I'm feeling on the inside Okay , I'm feeling sexually aroused . I'm also feeling scared , I'm feeling shame and it also applies to external circumstances , like , okay , I'm watching the Christmas parade and this float is going by . Now it's getting closer , now it's getting farther away .

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This simple mindful observation can really de-escalate the strength of the arousal we feel . Notice how this doesn't take your brain into fight or flight . This doesn't put you in a battle against yourself . It's more about being with yourself , and that's a very different approach . And the last thing I wish I had done is attunement . I wish I had attuned to my own heart and say Drew , what is underneath this for you ? What do you really need right now ? What is the desire underneath this arousal ? Where is this coming from in your story ? Wow , at the Christmas parade I didn't have the presence of mind or the healing for this part of my story to be able to process , that I wish I had come back to it later and journaled or talked to a friend .

Embracing Sexual Temptation With Grace

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These three steps breathe , observe , attune can be done in 10 minutes or they can even be done in 10 seconds . For example , okay , I see a sexually attractive person and I'm going to be away . I feel very uncomfortable right now . Hmm , what's underneath that and what do I need right now ? There you go , 10 seconds , my friend . I hope this gives you hope because there is a better way to respond that's not based on fear and shame . It's based on love for yourself and for others , even the type of people that you find sexually attractive .

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Outgrowing porn is not about battling your sexuality . It's about befriending your sexuality . So maybe next time you see a person or a picture that sexually triggers you , instead of bouncing your eyes , be with whatever's coming up for you . Take a few deep breaths . You don't need to immediately look away , but mindfully observe what's happening around you , what's happening within you and attune to your own heart . Find out what's going on at a deeper level . Instead of bouncing your eyes , practice BOA , b-o-a Breathe , observe , attune . Bouncing your eyes is ineffective . It's anti-sexual . Boa is effective , it's empowering and it's loving .

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I realize it's easier to talk about this than to do it , and my experience on December 6th is evidence of that . Even after 10 years of freedom from porn and significant sexual sobriety , I'm still learning how to do this with you guys , and that's not an obligation , that's an opportunity , it's a gift for me to discover more of my own heart , heal even more and get even more freedom . My friend , I hope it's clear that I am in this adventure with you . I'm still learning , I'm still growing , and everything I just told you is something that I'm actively working on . No matter where you are on this journey , it's not easy , it takes practice and sometimes it feels impossible . So , no matter where you are on this journey , I want to remind you that right now , exactly as you are , you are God's beloved son and in you he is well-pleased .