Healing Past Trauma Using Psychodrama

Speaker 1 0:01

Welcome to the Husband Material podcast , where we help Christian men outgrow porn . Why ? So you can change your brain , heal your heart and save your relationship . My name is Drew Boa and I'm here to show you how let's go . Today's episode is an example of one of our Husband Material Academy coaching calls Work it Out Wednesday . At Work it Out Wednesday , we use psychodrama and role-playing to work out the issues that are deep within us , that are often at the core of our attachment to pornography .

Speaker 1 0:40

The healing process you're about to witness was facilitated by Dr Doug Carpenter last summer at the HMA . In a Day workshop , doug worked with one of our certified coaches , rick Carlson , with some help from me , mike Chapman , james Janikin and also Marcus Spahr . What you're about to hear or see if you're watching the video , is an embodied healing process and , yes , we can even do embodied healing online . That's one of the beautiful things about Husband Material Academy . If you are interested in doing this type of work , even online , go to husbandmaterialcom , slash academy or joinhmacom . The doors to HMA only open twice a year , once in January and once in July , and those doors are open now . So if you find this process to be powerful and you want to be a part of it . Go to joinhmacom and I hope you enjoy the episode . So I'm going to invite our coaches to come up , and first we have Dr Doug Carpenter . Hey , doug .

Speaker 2 1:49

Hey , how are you ?

Speaker 1 1:50

I am happy to see you , man . Thank you , Good to see you too . Doug is a clinical psychologist and he is our clinical advisor here at Husband Material . He has taught psychodrama at the graduate level and he is , like our Yoda , the teacher of this incredible tool that we use to process our past and our parts and find greater healing . So Doug is leading an HMA call every other week and he also has been co-leading some smaller healing weekends with me . So , Doug , thank you for leading this process .

Speaker 2 2:28

You are very welcome , my pleasure .

Speaker 1 2:31

Mike Chapman is here . Hey Is the founder of Polar Life Consulting . He also has a podcast for male survivors of childhood sexual abuse . And Marcus Spahr is here , former director of care and support at Husband Material , and Marcus is also a life coach . I think both of you guys are certified as addiction recovery coaches and he's an inner child specialist as well . Marcus owns Between the Covers Coaching and you have a podcast too , now , yes , that's exciting .

Speaker 3 3:12

The Between the Covers podcast , where I'm helping people learn to become heroes of their own stories .

Speaker 1 3:18

Awesome . And actually , marcus , mike and Doug and I also all just completed brain spotting training , which we're now using and that's something that I'm also incorporating into HMA coaching calls . So brain spotting is another great way to work with all of this stuff . James , Awesome . James Janikin , who is another certified coach , leading Pure Desire groups as well right , yep , and literally driving a school bus as well . So you know what it's like .

Speaker 1 3:53

And then the man in the hot seat is Rick Carlson . Hey , rick . Hi , rick is a pastor . He is a recovery pastor and also a certified house material coach , and I'm really , really grateful for your vulnerability and choosing to go through this in front of a big group of people . I'm glad to be here . As you can tell , we've got a bigger group for this , because in psychodrama , we need to role play and externalize these different parts and these different people in our past in order to move through whatever needs to happen and get unstuck Just to give you all a preview of what's going to happen . So Rick is going to share what he wants to work on today , doug is going to direct and lead us , and then Marcus , james , mike and I will be supporting Rick in this process and playing whatever roles we are needed to play , let me pray for us as we get started , and then , doug , I'll let you take it from there .

Speaker 2 5:08

All right , thank you .

Speaker 1 5:11

God , thank you for the beauty of how many different ways we can heal . I ask you to make redemption tangible , to come and give Rick exactly what he needs , amen .

Speaker 2 5:29

Great . Thank you , rick , for volunteering today . I appreciate it . I know that this is going to be a very vulnerable process , as it always is for anyone who decides to share such intimate parts of their life . So , rick , if you could just make sure that you're in a comfortable seating position , if you could just take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth . Just do that a couple of times . Just try to make yourself as relaxed and as comfortable as you can . You know everyone here . This is a safe place for you . This is a safe environment . You've done this with me several times now .

Speaker 5 6:12

And I trust everybody here and I trust the process .

Speaker 2 6:16

Good .

Speaker 5 6:17

That's awesome .

Speaker 2 6:19

Thank you for that . So I know that you have something specific that you want to work on today , so why don't you tell me a little bit about that ?

Speaker 5 6:30

And this is vulnerable . But just going back and dealing with the pain and it all connects to porn about the abuse that happened around my face , on my face and inside of my face my face on my face and inside of my face and I experienced as a young . There's two pathways on this . What I experienced is from a physical abuse thing where my dad that raised me . I did something incorrect around eight or nine . I did something incorrect around eight or nine and in front of the whole family he dragged my face along the piano keyboard which caused a lot of injuries and a lot of bleeding .

Speaker 5 7:13

I won't go into all those details , but that was something that I developed then , that I just thought I was an ugly , ugly person and I wasn't safe . There obviously was some sexual abuse that I went through and trauma and that as well as a child and the bigger part of this that all plays is around 19 , I was in a situation where I was in a situation where I was sexually accosted and I was forced to do things with my mouth . That just was not a good situation and there was a little abuse there in other areas as well , but the the impact that that had on me . I felt so gross and so ugly and what happened was developed that I was unsafe , developed that I was unsafe , don't touch my face , do not touch my face anyone . So I developed that mode of response to that trauma and it's pretty unique .

Speaker 5 8:42

I've been carrying that for a long time with inside myself and I know that there's a direct correlation into Arnie's , where I viewed porn on both sides of the coin and I had to replace my ugliness to fill that void of where I thought I was the ugliest and that my face was gross but yet used as a freak of nature thing . I had to look at men in particular and I needed the perfect face to replace my face and viewing that and then I became that person , no matter uh , what that , uh , what side of that the coin was , um , in the porn or news . That is from the past and um , I still um to this day . Um deal with sometimes the ugliness of my face and I don't like people to touch my face , even um acts of affection and I'm like on my face around my face is pretty .

Speaker 5 9:52

I feel that what really brought this all up was , uh , in may I went to a series . I had a series of dental appointments for some procedures . Uh , there were like five or six of them during the month of may . They were doing some work . There were like five or six of them during the month of May . They were doing some work and there was a lot of fear that I had Even going to now back up , even going to the doctor . When they say open your mouth and say oh , or they look around , I freak .

Speaker 2 10:16

You freak , what happens for you , what comes up ?

Speaker 5 10:20

What comes up is fear . My body goes into a stiffness . I'm afraid , I'm very afraid that I'm going to be injured and also it seems like I don't want people to see inside , because what if they see what happened ? What if they see what happened ? What if they know what happened ? And this dentist experience I managed through the first couple . It was very hard and on the third visit I literally went into convulsions with my legs because I couldn't take what they were doing .

Speaker 5 10:59

It was a two-hour process and I almost hit the well . I tried to hit the periodontist twice because I was . I felt everything . I felt the violation , I saw the piano keys , I saw the , the abuse , and I saw and felt , felt what I was experiencing . So all this , brought all that trauma back to you .

Speaker 5 11:25

I could feel it , I could face that . I feel it across my body . I feel it across my body . But the entry of violation was my mouth and I do recall , you know , I remember calling out to Jesus in my head and even probably saying the words help me . So that's where I'm at with this , and if that makes any sense of what I've shared , so I have some questions for you .

Speaker 2 11:54

What would you like or hope to get from this process today ? What do you feel like you need ?

Speaker 5 12:04

A release , just a release . Even as of right now , my stomach is pretty tight , not because I'm nervous with you guys , I just I feel I feel like it's stuck . Yeah , I just want a release that I can not feel so gross in my memories and in my present . With this and you know , I'm learning to love all parts of myself . It's incredible , right . It's a beautiful process and healing journey for sure . I don't want to look at myself and look at my mouth and my face and see that pain or see that grossness , and just look at his place of beauty and that I'm not going to be harmed . Okay , you know .

Speaker 2 12:53

So , rick , you've shared a lot here and you've shared in a very verbal way . Tell me what emotions are coming up for you now , as you've spent the last eight minutes kind of telling us your story , the trauma involved , the flashbacks that you had starting in May , around all this dentistry work , and you've already mentioned what you're feeling in your body , which I'm going to get to that in a minute but what emotions do you feel like are coming up for you ? Some anger , anger . Okay , tell me about your anger .

Speaker 5 13:35

It's like a little bit of a boil anger , if you will . That I just wish it wouldn't have happened and I wish I wouldn't have had to go down this journey and experience some of these feelings about myself . There's emotions of disgust .

Speaker 2 13:53

Is that different than your anger ?

Speaker 5 13:56

Yeah .

Speaker 2 13:56

Yeah , okay , so disgust , as you can hear , disgust . What are you hearing from him ?

Speaker 5 14:06

Almost like he deserved this . There's some emotions of abandonment connected and I feel in this I just didn't have the ability to be able to articulate , I didn't have a safe place to go and share anything , and maybe a better way to describe it is extreme amount of loneliness , with this that I've had to live with , and with loneliness that becomes like an isolation island , trying to , of course , read all the things you know there are the , and then you try to hide the pain or some of the behaviors that have happened in my life in the past , that I tried to get rid of all that pain and I'd like to look in the mirror and just look at myself as not disgusting , safe and beautiful .

Speaker 2 15:21

So when you experience this anger , I want you to just kind of scan your body right now and if you could locate anger . Where is he sitting on or around you , in you ? Where is anger ? Where does he feel activated , where does he feel ?

Speaker 5 15:44

activated in my throat , right here and in the pit to my stomach , kind of like it goes straight down along the straight line down .

Navigating Intense Emotions Through Role-Playing

Speaker 5 15:58

How would you describe that feeling ? It is a raw . Raw feeling like a little bit of a , perhaps a control , a tightness , sometimes , maybe like , like it amps up it amps up .

Speaker 2 16:19

So I want you to take a minute , I want you to just close your eyes and I want you to send all your focus to that feeling right now . Send all your focus to that anger and what you're feeling in your body , and I want you to just sit here with it for a minute , really try to get in touch with it for a minute , really try to get in touch with it . And of the men that are here , I want you to pick out somebody that you feel could appropriately represent your anger for you , who could hold that for you . Marcus , marcus , marcus , are you willing to be anchored ? Thank you , marcus . Okay , rick , just go back into that , lean into that feeling , and you had said earlier that this anchor just holds the feelings of why did this have to happen ? It's just boiling . I wish it wouldn't have happened . Is there anything else this part is saying as you focus ?

Speaker 5 17:36

in on it I don't think there's anything else right now . That's saying .

Speaker 2 17:44

But he's got a lot of things he wished hadn't happened .

Speaker 5 17:50

There's regret , there's a big feeling of regret . Guilt there's guilt .

Speaker 2 18:01

I think that's probably another feelings there . Yeah , yeah , yeah , but anger is upset about what your dad did to your face on the piano keys , about the sexual assault , the sexual abuse , abuse , and maybe even the dentist , the orthodontist , when he was touching your face .

Speaker 5 18:34

Was there any anger there for him ? Yeah , there was a lot of anger in there because they were everywhere inside my mouth . I felt like I had to fight for my life . I was paralyzed because I had no control . I had no control at all over this and I couldn't defend myself . I could not defend myself and I felt really weak because I was a vulnerable person there and it pissed me off that I was feeling these things and that it was out of my control and I felt like the dentist didn't care .

Speaker 2 19:12

Yeah , yeah , yeah , he wasn't where you were at . Yeah , while you're focusing in on yourself , I want you to find that feeling of disgust in your body . Where is that ? In your mouth , in your face ? In my ear ? All right here , okay , yeah , I just want you to send all your attention and your focus to that part right now and tell me who among your friends here could you let represent that feeling of disgust for you .

Speaker 5 20:02

I choose Drew .

Speaker 1 20:04

Okay , drew Drew are you willing to play disgust ?

Speaker 2 20:11

Yes , thank you and Rick , you talked earlier about . There's a part of you that feels like you deserved this . Yeah , is there anything more that this part is saying right now ? What's coming up for you as you focus on that part ?

Speaker 5 20:34

that I should have been more intelligent , not been in those locations . I should have been smarter . Did I set myself up for this ? Set myself up for this ? I should have been smarter as a kid . I set myself up for this . Set myself up for this .

Speaker 2 20:52

This part's really yeah , this part's really making you responsible . And then focus on that abandonment part . Where can you locate that ?

Speaker 5 21:10

Right here , yeah by your heart .

Speaker 2 21:16

Okay , who here could represent your abandonment part ? Mike .

Speaker 6 21:24

Mike .

Speaker 2 21:31

Okay , mike , mike okay . But as you focus on that abandonment part , what is that part saying ? Earlier you said there's just no safe place to go , I'm all alone , I have to isolate . Is there anything else that's coming up for you as you focus on that part ? A lot of shame .

Speaker 5 21:54

Yeah , a lot of shame . Feels really really dirty .

Speaker 2 22:09

Yeah , it does still look pretty dirty . Yeah , is there anything that you want to say about feeling dirty , anything more that you want to add to that ?

Speaker 5 22:15

yeah , yeah . Um part of me just wants to admit that I think that sex is really , really gross .

Speaker 2 22:33

Hey , yeah , that part holds some deep trauma . Yeah , while we were doing this , regret and guilt showed up . Can you tell me where that's at in your body ?

Speaker 5 22:56

How do you experience regret and guilt ? My shoulders , the rest of my shoulders and also Rest of my private parts .

Speaker 2 23:08

Okay , okay . How is that feeling in your private parts ? Is there a feeling there for that ?

Speaker 5 23:19

Yeah , it's just like okay , that's gross too , that's shameful . Wasn't used for shameful Okay .

Speaker 2 23:27

Wasn't used for good . Yeah , so , rick , when you experience these parts of you , are they all talking at once ? Do these thoughts and feelings take turns , bombarding you ? How do you experience these four main emotions of anger , disgust , abandonment , regret and guilt ? What's it like for you inside ?

Speaker 5 24:02

I try to pretend it's not there at times , but I think one kind of talks to the other , the talks to the other and then talks to the other . There's sometimes there's a heaviness where it just gets a little noisy from time to time and that's where I go into that Well , where I just sort of accepted as is . So that's what it's , that's what it's supposed to be . This is my lot in life . I'm confident that I've risen above so much of that . But it lingers . There's a , there's a layer there that stays . I just don't want to feel gross about it . Shameful really ticks me off damn right , it ticks you off

Speaker 1 24:56

want to check in for everybody who's watching . If this is a little bit confusing . We're about to go into the role playing where I'm going to be discussed . Marcus is going to be anger , mike's abandonment , james's regret and guilt , and we're all going to be taking on these roles as Rick goes through this process . So it's might be a little bit loud , might be a little bit noisy or chaotic . Doug is going to be directing us and noisy or chaotic Doug is going to be directing us and attuning to Rick and making sure Rick has what he needs to keep going , and we might pause at some point if it gets to be overwhelming . But when you heard Marcus raise his voice , that was the beginning of our role playing . So here we go .

Speaker 2 25:41

Anchor you've showed up . Anchor you've showed up .

Speaker 3 25:45

I've been here this entire time , but you just keep me stuck right here in your throat and you will not actually speak up for yourself . These people , they do not deserve to have their hands in your mouth , around your face . None of that is supposed to be happening .

Speaker 1 26:08

My face . Oh my gosh , that's me . Oh oh my gosh , I can't believe I look like that . Is that really how other people see me ? Oh , this is so bad .

Speaker 4 26:19

I brought this all on myself . It's my burden to carry .

Speaker 3 26:30

And having your dad just run your face over a piano . How could you let that happen ? It ?

Speaker 1 26:42

was my teeth .

Speaker 4 26:45

I did it . I made him upset . Why did you just ?

Speaker 7 26:47

want to . How could you let that happen it ?

Speaker 1 26:48

was my teeth . I did it . I made him upset . Why did you ?

Speaker 4 26:50

make him upset .

Speaker 1 26:51

It wouldn't have happened . Is this why my face looks this way .

Speaker 4 26:53

It's my fault . I feel so alone . Look at myself . It's my fault , I can't even stand myself . I wouldn't have screwed up .

Speaker 3 27:00

You needed to stand up , and you chose to be silent . Instead , he's going to hate me even more .

Speaker 4 27:10

I did when you needed me most , of you just kept me in the dark .

Speaker 2 27:17

Rick , I want to check in with you . Is this , yeah , how does this feel right now ? Is this what you feel and experience going on inside of you ?

Speaker 5 27:28

yeah , a lot of mixed bag emotions and , uh , that's the truth .

Speaker 2 27:36

That is the truth and that's the way it feels when it comes up yeah , what's it like for you to hear this externalized on the outside of you , that this is what your internal world experiences ?

Speaker 5 27:56

Yeah , it's crowding me , it's a little suffocating . Yeah , I don't want to hear it . Yeah , I don't want to hear it , but I know that it's next to a real reality thing . Yes , yes , it does , and I really don't like it .

Speaker 2 28:19

Okay , yeah , I'm going to . I know this is uncomfortable , yeah , but I want you to stay with me , okay . Yeah , you told me earlier you trust the process , right , I do , I do . Okay , I'm right here if you need me .

Speaker 5 28:41

I just want to run . Yeah , I have a feeling of wanting to bolt yeah , your fight or flight is kicking in yeah , yeah , and uh it's getting in , and uh , I feel this man , I feel this right here , and uh , it is pretty tight okay , yeah , when you feel like you want to isolate , is this kind of what happens .

Speaker 2 29:11

You just become overwhelmed with all these voices .

Speaker 5 29:17

Yeah , the voices of emotions , you know . Yeah , yeah , my favorite thing to do is um when they go into there , I just get on the blanket and cover my face and cover my face with the pillow and just hide in that and just try to make it go away . I hate my face .

Speaker 1 29:45

I hate my mouth , I hate my teeth . I don't want anyone to see me like this .

Speaker 2 30:01

That's a real part of you . That's a reality . It's a real part of reality .

Speaker 5 30:07

That's a reality . It's a real part of you . Yeah , just don't look at me .

Speaker 2 30:13

Just don't look at me .

Speaker 1 30:16

Look at me , don't touch me .

Speaker 6 30:18

What are they doing .

Speaker 1 30:18

They want me to open my mouth .

Speaker 2 30:21

What is this here ? The dentist is getting touching you with these utensils where you've been violated .

Speaker 5 30:33

Stop .

Speaker 2 30:36

As he was coming at you with those tools . What did you want to say ?

Speaker 5 30:41

I wanted to say well , I wanted to say well , I wanted to say I think you're a monster tell him . I want you to tell him right now you're a monster and you're not going to hurt me . You can't hurt me . I am done being hurt .

Speaker 2 31:05

Don't do it is that how you were saying it in your head ? You can't hurt me . I am done being hurt . Don't do it . Is that how you were saying it ?

Speaker 5 31:13

in your head . Is that what it sounded like in your head ? Yeah , yeah .

Speaker 6 31:16

Okay , yeah , yeah .

Speaker 5 31:17

And it was like a countdown oh From the door all the way to the chair . When it came back in , oh , and here it is .

Speaker 2 31:26

Yeah , get ready , get ready . So you've got all this disgust .

Speaker 5 31:35

Yeah .

Speaker 2 31:38

And now somebody's in your mouth or you're feeling disgust . Let's just take a minute and listen to anger .

Speaker 7 31:46

What's going on ?

Speaker 5 31:46

with him right now . I am really pissed off that I had to . I'm just pissed off that I had to feel it and I had to endure it . I just didn't want to feel it , right ? Yeah , what are you feeling ? It's going on anger . I just didn't want to feel it , right , I don't want to feel it .

Speaker 2 32:05

Yeah , what are you feeling ?

Speaker 3 32:08

It's going on anger what are you telling Rick right now ? I'm telling Rick that he needs to get a backbone and stand up for himself . All of these things could have been different if you just stood up and let me do my job . I am trying to protect you and you wouldn't let me .

Speaker 5 32:42

I don't think you were protecting me . In fact , mofo , yeah , I'm not weak , because I was using my body to protect myself . There's like a force , a wall , you know you can't tell me . You can't tell me , but it was not that I had to stand up and be strong . I'm pretty damn strong . Yeah , I don't need to be treated like shit . I defend for myself . I'm fighting for myself . You have no right to talk that way to me .

Speaker 2 33:27

Yeah , and then abandonment . What's going on with abandonment ?

Speaker 7 33:36

I feel all alone . No one loves me . They send me here to the dentist . They don't stay in the room . I'm by myself with these people . No one cares .

Speaker 5 33:56

Yeah , it reminds me of the story of my life .

Speaker 7 34:01

No one loves me . Yeah , I'm not worthy of love . A little time would remind me . Yeah , I'm not worthy of love . A little time would remind me .

Speaker 2 34:08

Yeah , what do you want to say to Abandonment ? What do you need to say right now to him about what he experienced ?

Speaker 5 34:20

Abandonment is a pretty lonely place to be . I wish he just would have held my hand . Just hold my hand . Just tell me that it's going to be okay . Yeah , all I need is .

Speaker 2 34:38

Yeah , instead , he was so wrapped up in his loneliness and isolation . Tell me about , oh , wrapped up in loneliness and isolation . Tell me about regret and guilt . Regret and guilt . What do you say ?

Speaker 4 34:53

Andrew Rick , through all this I didn't . If I would have stood up to myself for myself , this might not have happened . It's my fault . If I hadn't made dad angry , he wouldn't have dragged my face across the piano keys . If I hadn't looked this way , that person wouldn't have used me that way . I brought that attention on myself . It's my fault .

Speaker 2 35:18

I screwed up can you open your eyes for a minute , rick ? Can you look at that keyboard ?

Speaker 4 35:24

yeah , I brought that on me . Open your eyes for a minute , rick . Can you look at that keyboard ?

Speaker 2 35:29

Yeah , I brought that on me . Well , it comes up for you . As you see that , think about what your dad did to you .

Speaker 5 35:39

You know , I remember that what he said to me was you want me to wipe that look right off your face . So we played some music . My face played some music on those keyboards all the way across , all the way across . Yeah , and everybody watched and did nothing .

Speaker 4 36:07

The whole family was right there . Of course they watched . I deserved it . Yeah , they knew I was just getting what was coming to me . It was my fault . I brought it on myself .

Speaker 2 36:24

Rick what's it like ?

Speaker 6 36:25

for you to hear all this .

Speaker 5 36:27

I brought it on myself , Rick what's it like for you to hear all this ? What I felt Then he said when I ran into the bathroom I'm bleeding all over . He said there's nothing wrong with you , nothing wrong with you . I got this . The keyboard kind of sucks right now . I remember bumping my face , running my face on those black keys All the way across . It was one of those big pianos too . Yeah , that were solidly

Embracing Compassion for Healing

Speaker 5 37:04

made .

Speaker 2 37:04

Okay , rick , I want you to close your eyes again . I want you to take a deep breath , in through your nose , out through your mouth . It seems like you're pretty activated right now . You've got these four parts of you that you've heard from . You've identified where they're at in your body and what's going on for you . I want you to switch gears for a minute , okay , as you just concentrate on your breath . I want you to find a place in your body where you feel the most secure and where you feel the most safe . Find that spot in your body . You might need to think of an experience or a time when you did feel safe , when you did feel strong , the time when you did feel strong , the time when you did feel positive . Do you have that in your head ? Yeah , okay , have you located that in your body ?

Speaker 5 38:23

it'll surprise you , but my safe place , yeah , comes from my voice and singing great , yeah , yeah , yeah yeah , where it comes where and where it comes up and there's joy and there's happiness expression . I feel good it comes up and there's joy and there's happiness expression . I feel good I'm at the top of the world , yeah .

Speaker 2 38:56

I want you to just sit and lean into that sense of your voice , love for yourself , your confidence , and as you sat in that moment , I want to invite and I want you to imagine that Jesus is going to come and sit with you , okay is going to come and sit with you , okay . Yeah , and I want you to listen to what he has for you .

Speaker 6 39:54

Rick . Rick , I'm sorry that you were treated that way . That was way too rough for any child of mine that should have been delighted in to be handled . I understand why you feel the way that you do and I want you to know that you are in control of what happens to you and your body . The fact that you love singing is a redemption of what happened to you that day . There's no clanging of your nose and cheek across keys and a horrible sound , but a magnificent voice that I enjoy listening to as you bring praise to me and your Heavenly Father . I just want you to know that you are an incredible man who's overcome so much , and I could not be more delighted in you just because of who you are , but when I see the growth that you've had , it just is incredible , phenomenal . Thank you for pursuing me . I wish that I was there just to sit knee to knee , toe to toe , with you and hold your beautiful face in my hands to let you know how much I love you and I care about you .

Speaker 2 42:05

Rick , I want you to imagine that Jesus is giving you a big ball right now and it's a big ball of compassion , and it's a big ball of compassion and that he's putting it in your hands and in your lap . Just grab it . Just reach out and grab it right now . Hold that ball of compassion and when you're ready , I want you to take a piece of compassion from that ball , however much you want , and I want you to take it to anchor . What do you want to say to your anger , your wounded , angry part , through a voice of compassion ? Just give him whatever part of this you want , as little as you want or as much as you want .

Speaker 5 43:12

What I'd like to do is just take that anger and surround the entirety of the anger with the compassion yeah , a big part of this Mm-hmm and kind of just make the anger kind of like break up into a million little pieces . Yeah , blow away .

Speaker 2 43:39

Yeah , just make him not squeeze it out yeah yeah , just let that compassion take that power away from him and replace it yeah yeah kind of like you want to go and just pour compassion . Yeah , just all that spots you mean pour it on , yeah , just pour it through your head , your throat , your chest .

Speaker 5 44:06

Just let compassion fill those areas where anger has sat yeah , I kind of just imagine , kind of feel like you know , just the inside of me it's like a little funnel right and the compassion is being poured down , and just pour it down all sides of the funnel , just let it flow down . I mean , slowly it's going there yeah , we're not killing anger . We're healing .

Speaker 2 44:37

Yeah , yeah , we're finding healing through . He needs compassion .

Speaker 5 44:42

It's kind of dripping through .

Speaker 6 44:45

Hmm .

Speaker 5 44:47

A drip , but it's a good drip .

Speaker 2 44:50

Right .

Speaker 5 44:52

It's a friendly drip .

Speaker 2 44:54

He needs a dripping IV of compassion .

Speaker 5 44:57

That's exactly right yeah .

Speaker 2 45:01

Now I want you to look at that same ball of compassion that you're holding and can you take some disgust ? He's hurting .

Speaker 1 45:16

Don't look at me .

Speaker 2 45:17

He sees you as ugly . What can you ? How much compassion can you offer him ?

Speaker 5 45:26

A lot more than I have .

Speaker 1 45:30

I don't want it . I don't want your compassion .

Speaker 5 45:33

How much does he need ? I'm going to give it to you . You need a lot .

Speaker 1 45:38

I just want to think . I want a new face . I want a different mouth . I don't want your compassion .

Speaker 5 45:49

Guess what I'm taking it ? Yeah , I just want to take a little watch box .

Speaker 2 45:56

Yes , that's exactly what I was going to say . Let's , let's take some of that compassion that you're holding and let's just put it on your face . Let's just put it on your face and your mouth and your nose and your head and just let your beauty be there . Bring compassion to this face . You're his beloved son . You are wonderfully made . Just let your face soak that in you . Bring healing to that part . How is he feeling with some added compassion ?

Speaker 1 46:52

I feel different . I kind of like that actually .

Speaker 5 46:55

Yeah , yeah , yeah I kind of like that actually , yeah , yeah yeah , where do you feel that at ?

Speaker 2 47:07

in my face yeah yeah , right here yeah , even though going to the dentist was so scary for you , you've told me how much you wanted your teeth fixed . Can you just take some of that compassion and put it on your teeth ? Yeah , just let that compassion be there . That this was hard , this was difficult . You had to control so many dark , hurting emotions , but you took a redemptive risk in facing this . Can you take some compassion to abandonment ? Yeah , yeah , let's put some on there . And what would you like to tell him through , through the lens of compassion ?

Speaker 5 48:21

Oh yeah , Even though I just received , you're not alone .

Speaker 2 48:29

Never alone .

Speaker 5 48:30

You're not alone .

Speaker 2 48:33

I will never leave you nor forsake you . That's right . I will never leave you nor forsake you , that's right . And you have a wonderful group of men around you supporting you . Can you take ?

Speaker 4 48:57

some of your compassion to regret and guilt . It was my fault . Dad did what he did because I made him do it . If I wouldn't have looked at him that way , he wouldn't have done what he did . If I didn't deserve it , someone else would have stood up for me , but I't deserve it . Someone else would have stood up for me , but I did deserve it . I earned that punishment .

Speaker 2 49:25

It was my fault . It's a lot of pain . Rick , Let that confident part of you take him some compassion .

Speaker 5 49:45

Yeah , I'm just letting that compassion go into my stomach . That's kind of where I'm holding it . Okay , yeah , yeah , yeah , or it lands yeah .

Speaker 2 49:58

And what's it doing to your stomach ?

Speaker 5 50:01

Well , I am . There's a little bit of a fight there that I'm trying to hold back from it because I just I need to release , need to release that and just let it in there , just let it saturate .

Speaker 2 50:22

Yeah , rick , as we come to a close , yeah , yeah , I want you to take this ball of compassion and continue to hold on to it and any time one of these emotions comes up for you and is present for you and begins to berate you and tell you lies , and tell you falsehoods about yourself , tell you negative things about the way you look or that it was your fault and even how much you didn't want these things to happen to you , you can offer these parts compassion . You can take a piece of that compassion and just clothe them with it and soothe their voice and their hurt and their pain , and you can be the confident person that you are , knowing that Jesus is sitting right beside you . Now I want you to open your eyes and I want you to look at each one of these parts and tell them that you're going to offer them compassion .

Speaker 5 51:48

Anger yeah , compassion , totally , it's coming , it's here , here . Abandonment yeah , compassion is going to be my new voice in that Guilt and shame . Yeah , that passion there , I'm just going to let that go , just going to let that go .

Speaker 2 52:41

Yeah , you know some of these parts have been so burdened with things they don't need to carry . Yeah , and you can be good to them and you can invite them in into who you are today and offer them compassion . How are you feeling , Rick , about this process ?

Speaker 5 53:12

It's been very helpful and kind of look at my face a little differently and see the new story that can emerge out of this . Right now I feel at peace .

Speaker 2 53:29

Yeah , just breathe that in , Just let that sound into your body .

Speaker 5 53:34

Yeah .

Speaker 2 53:35

And just hold that compassion for yourself .

Speaker 1 53:42

Right , I need a little more compassion all right , and I didn't want it earlier , but I need some more well , you know what I can ?

Speaker 5 53:56

I can stand up and say I don't have to be disgusted , I don't have to feel disgusted , I don't have to live with that . Really , really , really . I don't have to , I don't have to feel disgusted .

Speaker 7 54:18

Why .

Speaker 5 54:21

Because it wasn't my fault . Actually , I'm beautiful , okay .

Speaker 1 54:34

I receive that .

Speaker 2 54:36

Yeah , and you can give that to these parts anytime they show up .

Speaker 5 54:45

Mm-hmm , I can take that ball of compassion and just keep giving it back . Yep Barred it in , breathed into it and then joined it , right yeah .

Speaker 2 55:02

Okay , so now I want us to go through the process of de-rolling . Okay so , let's start with anger .

Speaker 3 55:11

Rick , I am not anger . I am not your anger , Whether unhealthy or washed over with compassion . I am your friend Marcus .

Speaker 1 55:27

Rick , I am not your disgust , I am not a piano , a piano . I am your friend Drew , who loves you and who received a lot of compassion from you today Received a lot .

Speaker 7 55:50

And , rick , I am not abandonment , hiding under the blanket , but I am your brother , mike and .

Speaker 5 56:04

I love you so much , Rick .

Speaker 4 56:06

Rick , I gotcha . Rick , I'm not your regret and guilt , carrying the burdens of your past . I'm not regret and guilt , I'm your friend , brother James . I love you man .

Speaker 5 56:21

Thank you , James .

Speaker 6 56:25

Rick , I am not Jesus , I am not Jesus , I am not Jesus . I'm your friend , henry .

Speaker 5 56:32

Okay , okay , it was pretty close there figuring out who Jesus is , thank God .

Speaker 2 56:42

Hey , henry , love you okay , rick and Doug , thank you so much thank you for the opportunity and thank you , rick , for allowing me to walk that with you .

Speaker 7 56:57

Thank you , doug I love for allowing me to walk that with you .

Speaker 5 56:58

Thank you , Doug , I love you . I love you too . It's a good day .

Speaker 1 57:05

Mike , Marcus , James , thank you .

Healing and Transformation Through Vulnerability

Speaker 1 57:10

I'm going to read some of the comments . A number of men were crying with you , saying it was difficult , but we understand and you are loved . It must have been so awful . And a number of men commented on your smile as well , saying love , the smile of happiness , and that there is a countenance on your face . They saw confidence on your face . They saw a confidence in your face . Your face changed during the process , Saying it's different , and it was gut-wrenching . But especially when you said it's not my fault and I'm beautiful , there was a huge smile .

Speaker 1 57:55

Adam says I can see I have so many parts that need to get acquainted to the love and compassion of Christ . They need to experience the redemption that they already have in Christ . He heals the brokenhearted . That's what this session was about . Guys , I hope you get a sense of what that can look like through witnessing this process . You know thinking about the different parts anger , disgust , regret , guilt , abandonment and all of them received love and compassion today . This is just one example of how this process can go . There are many different directions it can go .

Speaker 2 58:27

It can be much more dramatic .

Speaker 1 58:30

Yeah , some of you guys are saying thank you . We're proud of you . Amazing work . That was super powerful and amazing , even virtually Now . Usually we take a lot more time to debrief and allow each person to share what we individually experienced . I feel like maybe it would be good for us to do like one or two sentences for each person , so I will go first and just say that , rick , that resonated so much with me in my face , in my mouth , I kind of knew you were going to choose me for disgust . I just knew it and it was exactly how I have felt about myself . So thank you .

Speaker 5 59:23

I love you , drew . Love you too , man , thank you .

Speaker 3 59:27

Yeah , similar to Drew , I was not surprised that you chose me for anger and I could absolutely resonate with having a lot of that internalized anger and I really felt that . I really felt it , rick .

Speaker 5 59:45

Thank you , marcus , thank you .

Speaker 7 59:49

Likewise , I could really feel those feelings of abandonment . Little Mike felt that so often Unloved , unsupported , uncared for , lonely hiding . Yeah , I could resonate with a lot of that , Thank you Mike .

Speaker 4 1:00:10

Similarly , I can definitely resonate with wanting to take all that blame on and say , well , it's my fault to take all that blame on and say , well , it's my fault If I had done X , y or Z , then you know , a , b and C wouldn't have happened and I wouldn't have had to face all of those consequences .

Speaker 5 1:00:30

So very honored to be a part of this process . Thank you so much , James .

Speaker 2 1:00:36

I'm always just so honored , james . I'm always just so honored that people allow me into this space in their hearts . And , rick , I've been deep inside your heart through our processes and I just there's definitely parts of your story that I resonate with , with my own parts and my own abuse , and I just really thank you how vulnerable you are and how real you are and I love your face .

Speaker 1 1:01:13

And your voice . Thank you , Doug .

Speaker 5 1:01:15

And your voice yeah , yeah , thank you so much , doug . And your voice yeah , yeah , thank you so much , doug , my pleasure .

Speaker 1 1:01:23

That's what we're here to do to be with each other in these places , right when many men don't dare to go . You could see how different it was between the session two demo , with just me and Jordan and everything was happening inside of him , versus in this one . It was a lot bigger and it took more time to set it up and it took more guts to go through it , but what a difference . Pete says there is an appeal to this , but it also seems scary . Do I want to go there ? How much past pain do I want to uncover ? And yet also , do I want to be healed ?

Speaker 4 1:02:06

Yeah , that's what I was going to comment is we did this at our retreat in March and I think I spent the first days crying in fear , avoiding doing it , and then you know , know , the process was hugely emotional and draining , but so healing and so worth the emotional output

Healing and Transformation Through Group Support

Speaker 4 1:02:27

. It probably was not worth all the all the dread and fear that I had leading in , so it's definitely worth it and there there was one question in the chat that I think is worth mentioning here .

Speaker 3 1:02:41

Uh , drake asks is there a way to do this by yourself ? I would not recommend doing this by yourself , because it is an incredibly emotional process . It's very raw , and one of the benefits of having a group with you is they can support you through the raw emotions , the feelings you're experiencing , and once you're done with that , you then have people who can support you in coming down from it and you , if you do it by yourself , you might end up coming across some emotions that you're not ready to handle and you might need some additional support . So I would definitely keep doing this as a group .

Speaker 5 1:03:30

Yeah , I think you're right , Marcus , because I trust you all . I felt doing it alone no , that's not healthy , but I felt protected , I felt safe . And I felt safe as far as that . There were some real emotions that I felt today that just came up , but I wasn't ashamed of those emotions and I felt that I can get something out and release and go there and , uh , the beauty of it is that that , in this process , that's where the healing comes . It comes through , uh , through people of God and through the circle .

Speaker 1 1:04:20

And as we go through this process with people and we get more traction and we get more familiar with the healing process , there are some things you can do by yourself .

Speaker 5 1:04:32

There is .

Speaker 1 1:04:33

For example , listening to what my body is telling me . At first that might just seem like what , but you do this a few times and you're like , oh , my anger is trying to protect me . Or this abandoned part goes back to when I was that age . And really the most important thing that we emphasize throughout this whole thing is attunement and safety , checking in with the guy to make sure that this is not re-traumatizing , because it can be without good facilitation . One more question from Brandon saying how can we grow to see Jesus as a safe place in our trauma and pain when certain doctrines may have taught that ?

Speaker 1 1:05:18

he's the author of the events that causes pain . When you do this work , a big part of it is getting out of my head and getting more into my heart and my body and experiencing Jesus that way , rather than just trying to logically understand who he is . This is about experiencing who he is through each other .

Speaker 2 1:05:47

You have to hone into the fruits of the Spirit that he embodies . Yeah , that's right .

Speaker 1 1:05:53

If you're having a healing experience and Jesus is anything other than If you're having a healing experience and Jesus is anything other than love and peace , then we have a community like this to help us discern is that really God or is that someone else from your family of origin , or is that your shame talking ? Having a group of Christian men who get it really helps , and that's what HMA gives you . Thank you so much for witnessing that powerful process . If you are interested in being a part of this type of deep healing and transformation , go to joinhmacom to learn more . The doors are open now and they won't open again until July . We would love to have you . You can even work with Doug Mike , me and many of our other coaches so that you can heal the boy within you , grow up emotionally and sexually and achieve lasting freedom from porn . Always remember , my friend , you are God's beloved son In you . He is well pleased .