Processing the Past and Family Systems

Speaker 1 0:00

Hey , my name is Drew Boa . I'm the founder of Husband Material , where I help men outgrow porn . Today's episode is all about how to process your past , specifically by looking at your external family system , like your mom , your dad , your siblings and your internal family system the many different emotions , thoughts and feelings that are within you and by processing these things you can get so much clarity about how your sexuality developed and what healing could look like . This teaching was originally recorded last summer at the HMA in a day workshop and it gives you a preview of the HMA husband material academy video course . Right , the doors to HMA are open . We only open up the program twice a year , once in January and once in July . If you're interested in learning more or in joining HMA , go to joinhmacom , and if you're listening to this as a podcast , you may want to go down to the link in the description to watch the video , because some of what I'm teaching here is going to be very visual . Again , this is a preview of the Husband Material Academy video course . Hope you enjoy it . Processing the past so now that you've hopefully come to a place , through session one and two , where you're seeing your sexual thoughts and feelings and your emotional struggles as trailheads into deeper healing ? How do you get to know and understand the past that led you here ? Let me say it a different way how can you fully understand this boy who was exploited by porn and who became attached to different sexual behaviors ? You know ? How do you make sense of what happened to you when you were a kid and what didn't happen , maybe what should have happened , and not only understanding that , but redeveloping what you didn't get so that you can be a sexually , emotionally , spiritually mature man of God . That's what we're going into today . A sexually , emotionally , spiritually mature man of God . That's what we're going into today .

Speaker 1 2:26

We're talking about sexual development . Many of us don't even know what the stages of sexual development are , because so many of us grew up in a home and a culture where sex just wasn't talked about . We didn't feel like it was safe . We didn't have models of you know , all right , what is my penis ? What is it for ? How do you approach relationships with other boys , with other girls ? So many of us lacked guidance and support in this area and , as a result , our sexual development got stuck . Here's a little question for you when do you think sexual development begins ? Puberty , childhood . I think it actually begins even before birth . Sexual development is already starting to be shaped by experiences in the womb and in fact , I would argue that it's already being shaped by the stories of your parents and your grandparents . That's already setting the stage for your sexual development by creating the soil that you grew up in .

Speaker 1 3:41

Our sexuality develops in our family , as weird as that may sound . So let me just ask you what are some words you would use to describe your family Put it in the chat your family of origin when you were growing up ? Rigid , emotionally constipated , broken , dysfunctional , detached , troubled , abusive , manipulative , fake , judgmental , closed off , sexualized , loving I see loving in there Shut down , disengaged , chaotic , stuffed emotions , sarcastic , punishing , shame-filled , unstable , looking good on the outside , sick on the inside they tried their best Unsafe , toxic , lonely , loving , compassionate , unhealthy I want to encourage you , as you're naming some of these things , to use the word and so my family was unhealthy and loving . They provided for me physically and they neglected me emotionally and sexually , Rather than using the word , but that just throws a big but all over everything and invalidates whatever you just said . So we want to hold both sides of the good and the bad and the ugly Using the word , and there is a very predictable family background that creates the conditions for porn and fantasy and masturbation to become a secret life . And that system externally in our creates an internal system .

Speaker 1 5:49

So in this session , processing the Past , we're going to talk about our external family systems and we're going to talk about our internal family systems , because that is the soil where our sexuality develops and this will be very interactive . I want to encourage you to get out a piece of paper and a pen , if you have one . If you don't , that's okay , you can just type on your computer and we're going to look at the systems that set us up to struggle sexually . We've got some work to do . We've got some good processing to do . There are three big categories in HMA , unit 5 that can help us make sense of our story and our sexuality that I want to highlight here . Our story and our sexuality that I want to highlight here . One is abandonment , two is enmeshment and three is abuse .

Speaker 1 7:00

So abandonment is what happens when your family is not connected or close , when everybody feels far away , when it should feel like a supportive , nurturing place where you can come for a refuge , you can be known and loved and seen at an emotional heart level . Many of us grew up in families that were disconnected , where we were abandoned Could be abandoned physically family members who just weren't there or who were working all the time or just totally disengaged off in their own world . Could be abandoned emotionally where you talked all the time but it never got deep . Could be abandoned sexually where that just wasn't even talked about at all . You could be abandoned sexually where that just wasn't even talked about at all . You could be abandoned academically . You could be abandoned athletically . There's so many areas of abandonment and neglect that we often don't realize because we just thought it was normal . It was just normal to come home from school and be by myself for hours every single day . It was just normal to never ask anyone , ask how I'm really doing . Abandonment is huge and whatever connection we lacked , oftentimes we seek out , symbolically and sexually , the connection that we didn't get . How have you experienced abandonment ?

Speaker 1 8:32

If abandonment refers to relationships that are not close enough , enmeshment refers to relationships that are too close , that are icky , gross Relationships , that are taking something from you when they're really supposed to be giving something to you . Many of us are also not aware of enmeshment because we just thought it was normal . But enmeshment often happens with a parent who is using a child to meet their needs rather than meeting the child's needs . This often happens if dad is totally disconnected from mom . Well , it's often the case that mom will turn to her son for the relationship that she should be having with her husband , where she needs the boy .

Speaker 1 9:28

This is often a setup for pornography , because it's easy for boys who grow up enmeshed to want a place to separate and get away and for a relationship with a woman or another person . It just feels like too much , it's overwhelming needy . There's so much pressure that they're looking for a relationship that doesn't ask anything in return . So porn can provide a sense of connection and porn can also provide a sense of separation , and porn can also provide a sense of separation . This can be referred to as covert incest or emotional incest , where maybe you felt like you had to be the person that your family needed . Kids are not supposed to be needed . They're supposed to be wanted , delighted in , loved , cherished , but not needed Not needed in a sense of needing to be used .

Speaker 1 10:29

If you grew up as a trophy son , perhaps do you realize that you were objectified . A trophy is an object , not a person . Could it be that what you interpreted as love was actually you being used to support your mom or your dad , or the family image ? What parents need to do is love their kids and then ask for nothing in return , expect nothing in return , and that's oftentimes what porn symbolically provides Giving you something that you want and need and then saying and there are no strings attached , you can turn off the screen whenever you want . So there's a version of freedom in there , there's a version of connection , there's a version of freedom that's provided by the sexual stimulation that we've often turned to .

Speaker 1 11:30

And , lastly , the one that takes men an average of over 20 years to realize is abuse . As we've said in session . Two , being introduced to porn as an early age is childhood sexual abuse , and also , the vast majority of us were emotionally abused , yelled at , called names , shamed , intimidated , bullied , and that's abuse . Some of us were physically abused as well Spanked , beaten , whipped . Many of us were bullied , and porn is an abuser , one that we keep coming back to . So , in order to really process how you got to where you are sexually , these categories are incredibly important .

Speaker 1 12:19

Jay Stringer goes into them more deeply in Unwanted as well . You find it more in HMA , abandonment , enmeshment and abuse . If you have a story of abandonment , the need you feel is for connection . If you have a story of enmeshment , the need you feel is for freedom . If you have a story of abuse , the need you feel is for redemption , and that's why many of us replay our abuse sexually , because there's something unfinished there , there's something incomplete there and it needs redemption . We're going to talk more about redemption in session four .

Speaker 1 12:48

Oftentimes , if you're reenacting your trauma , it's this part of you that wants redemption . It's going back there because there needs to be something done to change what happened , to redeem what happened , and when you can experience that in real life , wow . And when you can experience that in real life , wow . Born loses its power . So these are some of the major themes to explore .

Speaker 1 13:22

I want to invite you to do something a little bit different now , and if you can't do this , that's okay . I want you to draw a picture of yourself growing up in your family . I'm going to show you an example . For me , this is little Drew , age three , sitting in front of a TV screen watching the Lion King for hours , while my mom is working in the other room . My hockey stick is lying on the floor , because my dad is also not there at all , but if he was there I would want to play hockey with him here I am . My only connection , my only companion , is the TV screen . I was raised by screens . My most secure attachment was with screens . My imagination was captured by screens Movies , tv shows , video games , later porn . And in this picture I see abandonment . I see myself growing up thinking that neglecting my needs was normal , not really worthy of someone's face or heart . I'm just fine by myself . And at the same time I see something beautiful here , because this little Drew is being inspired by what he sees on the screen , by these stories of heroes , stories of rescue , dreaming about being a hero or whatever my own life might turn into . So this is my picture that I drew .

Understanding Internal Family Systems

Speaker 1 15:36

You don't have to be a good artist . I want you to take some time to just draw and and draw what it felt like . Maybe certain characters in your story feel really big . Draw them big . Maybe somebody feels dangerous . Maybe you want to use a color like red to indicate that danger . Or maybe somebody feels cold and distant . You want to use a color like red to indicate that danger . Or maybe somebody feels cold and distant . You want to use blue .

Speaker 1 16:14

I'm going to show you one more example of a drawing that you can do . If you want to do something a little bit more diagrammy , here's another one that I drew . This is just an example . You see , mom is too close . There's a big red red jagged line here , feeling like feeling invaded upon by mom . Dad is distant , god is distant With a brother . In this story there's a distance , but there's also something hurtful too with the red .

Speaker 1 17:01

For many of us , a grandparent was a safe person , and so I put grandma over here . You might want to indicate that perhaps For some of us , a dog , a dog or a pet was a loving , connected , consistent presence that we didn't find in other people . You could have some neutral relationships or pure relationships , so I want to invite you to draw something like this relationships or peer relationships . So I want to invite you to draw something like this , either like this one or the other one that I drew , and take some time to get into that little boy's world . Let him show you what he went through .

Speaker 1 17:54

You may be tempted to compare your story to others . Don't do that . What you went through is valid . Everyone thinks somebody else had it worse . What makes an event traumatic is not how severe it was , but how fully it was processed or not , and so even pain that you might think of as small if it was left unhealed , it got infected and it could still need a surgery years later , just as much as an open , gaping gash . So I just want to validate your story , whatever it is , and acknowledge that whatever your sexual struggle is didn't start with you .

Speaker 1 18:56

I'll give you a few more minutes to draw if you're drawing , and if you're not drawing , you can just ask okay , who felt close to me when I was a kid ? Who felt distant ? Relationship was confusing or disturbing ? Where did I experience enmeshment , abandonment , abuse ? Oftentimes , when you do this , it becomes a lot clearer why certain things appeal to you sexually , why certain types of people may have caught your attention . This is your external family system . I wish we were all in person together so we could have the crayons and the papers out .

Speaker 1 19:56

What we're going to do I think , which is a little easier than drawing a picture , is now that you've done some processing with your external family . We're going to talk about your internal family . Your internal family includes things like emotions , thoughts , sexual attractions , parts of you , attractions , parts of you , internal family systems is one of the major approaches that we use at Husband Material Academy . It's an anti-shaming approach which claims that there are no bad parts of you . God created every part of you and every part of you is good , and also our parts are often stuck in bad roles . Our parts are often immature , unhealed , stuck in sin , stuck in different cycles , and what we did in session two in the demonstration was we worked with a part of Jordan that felt unaffirmed , unseen , a part of him that had this sexual fantasy about an encounter with a man in a locker room . So now what I want to do is invite you to create what we call a parts map , based on that picture you drew of this boy in the soil , of his childhood experiences and what he went through , what were some different parts of you that developed out of that .

Speaker 1 22:04

So here is me . We're just going to call this core self . This is the person that God made me to be . The core self is who I am . It's the image of God in me . You might say it's Christ in me . The core self has these qualities love , joy , peace , patience , kindness , goodness , gentleness , faithfulness and self-control . In the book Boundaries for your Soul , they call it the spirit-led self . In internal family systems they call your core self curious , compassionate , courageous , confident , calm , connected and having a choice . So this is the person from our sexual recovery . Deep down , this core self exists . Nothing can erase the image of God in you and your identity in Christ , who you are , is probably the most powerful resource you have toward freedom from porn .

Speaker 1 23:15

But we're not just a core self . We also have these parts of us . We have protective parts that are trying to keep us safe from various things . Who came in to help us in various ways to keep us safe from various things . Who came in to help us in various ways . We also have exiles , or what we might typically think of as the inner child parts that feel weak . Remember , we talked about the lies we believe about ourselves Unworthy alone , disgusting . I don't belong . Those are exiles .

Speaker 1 23:45

So let's start with the exiles . What are some of the parts of you that are wounded , that want to seek out porn as a pacifier to take the pain away ? Exiles here . These are some of those lies that we believe about ourselves . But the truth is I feel that way . Okay , I'm ugly , I'm fat , what else ? People hate me . So I'm going to say I'm hated , unloved , dirty , I'm bad , alone . Bad alone . Fraud , perverted , pretender that might actually be a protector . Weak , undesirable , dumb , yeah , awkward , feminine , abandoned , yep . Dirty , yeah . So this is what we called the orphanage in session one . These are the parts of us that are attached to porn . We didn't feel these things , we would have no need for porn . So many , so many , um , exiles in here . So I want you to make a list of this for yourself and if you're not sure , well , look at that picture you drew of your external family and see how did that boy feel about himself Oftentimes , all of these things .

Speaker 1 25:56

So how do we deal with that ? Well , without the core self , we we turn to different things . Now some of our protectors are more socially acceptable , more seemingly successful . We call those managers in the IFS term . So , in our context of wanting to be free from porn , some of our managers might be the , you know , like the purity culture part of me Just wants to stop , to stop using it .

Speaker 1 26:30

Maybe there's the warrior part of me . Again , these parts are not bad , there are no bad parts , but oftentimes they get stuck in bad roles . So what are some of your managers ? Maybe the people pleaser Okay . Workaholic , that might actually be a different one .

Speaker 1 26:50

But nice guy Ooh , the nice guy , that's good . Humor , okay , yes , what else ? The religious part of me ? The fixer Very good . Self-deprecating yeah , let's call that the inner critic , that's a big one . Self-deprecating yeah , let's call that the inner critic , that's a big one .

Speaker 1 27:11

The helper who's always helping people . Controller you know the bossy part of me . Who ? The savior ? I was trying to save others .

Speaker 1 27:19

Peacemaker , yes . Quick thinker . Performer , yeah , the achiever . Listener , maybe that could be . I think the listener could be different ones , but the sense of the person being a hero , yeah . The do-gooder , yeah , right . Like the good Christian boy . Compliant , yes . Golden boy , all right .

Speaker 1 27:44

So these are the managers . These are the parts that oftentimes help us in life by actually seeming to be very useful . These are the parts that are often praised in church . These are the parts that we like to show to other people because they're clearly doing a lot . They're working very hard , doing a lot . They're working very hard .

Speaker 1 28:13

Oftentimes , they're working very hard to try to prevent us from feeling these exile feelings . Maybe if I'm the nice guy , then I'll be loved because I feel unloved . Maybe if I'm the religious guy , then I won't have to feel like such a bad person . Maybe if I'm the performer or the hero , then I won't feel awkward or dumb . So the managers are often trying to either prevent the pain of the exiles or they're just trying to make the exiles go away , or they're just trying to make the exiles go away . The problem is these managers they try really , really hard but in the end they're limited . In the end they're not going to heal you . They can help you but they can't heal you . And a lot of us have been through porn , recovery programs or things like that , which were ultimately just feeding this side of us . Patrick says this is the most understandable way I've heard IFS explained . I'm so glad . Now , these are the sides of us that we think of as oh yeah , the good guy right . But we also have other parts of us that are also trying to help the exiles , that are also working hard , but they have a different strategy and their strategy is to try to take the pain away .

Speaker 1 29:47

When I feel unloved , dirty , bad , weak , what do I do Oftentimes ? Turn to porn , or turn to food , or turn to something else to try to distract myself or extinguish the fire . That's why these parts are called firefighters . So tell me what are some of your firefighters ? Let's just say the porn watcher , okay so eating , masturbating , fantasizing Yep . Playing video games , even exercising yeah , that can be . That can be . That can be a manager or a firefighter . Drinking , daydreaming ? Yep , I have a . I have a distractor who distracts me a lot Scrolling Yep , scrolling part of me . Sleeping yeah , again , these are not bad parts . Yes , so the workaholic can actually be on this side too .

Speaker 1 30:56

Am I working to try to make pain go away , or am I working to try to stop pain from ever starting ? I'm going to say overeating instead of eating . But all of these , all of these are well-intentioned attempts to try to deal with the fact that I feel this way , that I feel all of this pain , all of this childhood trauma . Firefighters are trying to help , and when all you do is try to stop doing these things , and when all you do is try to stop doing these things , then you're just having a war between your managers and your firefighters .

Speaker 1 31:44

You have no access to your core self . Core self is where healing happens . I think what you saw with me , what you saw with Jordan , our demonstrations earlier , was being in our core self and bringing healing to these parts , because in order for them to heal , they have to touch . They have to touch Jesus , they have to touch God , they have to be in contact with curiosity and compassion and all those good things . So a lot of what we do at Husband Material is essentially trying to bring healing to these different parts . It's essentially trying to bring healing to these different parts . So when you look at your external family system , you see how these internal parts formed . They make a lot of sense when you see how you grew up .

Speaker 1 32:30

So I'm going to put some more on here , because there are so many good ones Busyness , extreme hobbies perhaps Thrill seeking , reading could really be any of them . So here's why this matters All these different parts . They're not who you are and God is not interested in destroying your parts . He wants to redeem your parts . He wants to welcome them home . This journey of outgrowing porn , it's not about fighting a battle . It's about coming home after wandering . Coming home after wandering .

Speaker 1 33:20

You can think of the managers as like the older brother in the parable of the two lost sons . You can think of the firefighters as a younger brother . Both of them . Both of them need some healing and love so that you simply don't need porn anymore . Alright , I hope this is making sense to you guys . The part of you that wants to use porn is probably a firefighter , and it doesn't need more shame , it doesn't need more criticism , it doesn't need condemnation , it doesn't need willpower , it needs love , it needs you , it needs you , it needs God . So if you've got your parts map , that gives you an opportunity for further work , to say , yeah , I think I want to spend some time with the anxious part of me , or I think I want to spend some time with the people pleaser , or I think I want to spend some time with the one who is scrolling on my phone .

Speaker 1 34:23

Ultimately , a relapse happens when our exiles are in pain and the managers can't handle it anymore , so the firefighters take over . What we do at Hazmaterial is say no , no . Instead of doing that , let's have your core self relate to those exiles . Let's have your adult self relate to that little boy , find out what he really needs and then redirect that energy in a redemptive way . By the way , what I'm advising you to do here is for your own healing work . This is not to use on your wife or on other men to try to tell them what they should do or how they should relate to you . This is for each of us to learn for ourselves and then to support each other as a community . A lot of guys are not going to get this , and that's okay . A lot of wives are not going to get this , and that's okay . See the questions . Are we only spending time with firefighters ? Any part of me you can . You can spend time with any part of you . Oftentimes , when you spend time with a part of you , you can come to a point of renaming it .

Speaker 1 35:51

So I once had an IFS experience with my inner critic , who was telling me that whatever I did , I was going to fail . Even if I seemed to succeed . It was like nope , I'm giving you an F , you suck . My inner critic was really really hard on me . Well , jesus came into the scenario . My inner critic was holding a clipboard with a red pen marking up all my mistakes and when Jesus came in , he just dropped the clipboard and my inner critic was renamed the observer . Instead of having a red pen marking up all my mistakes , he now has an observer to just point things out without judgment . So my inner critic is now my observer and he's doing well .

Internal Family Systems

Speaker 1 36:39

The inner critic would be more of a manager in this model , someone who's trying to help me do the right thing . The firefighters aren't concerned with doing the right thing , they're just concerned with trying to make the pain stop . So the managers are trying to make sure that the exiles don't sabotage our life . Like you know , I got to do everything right so that I don't end up unloved ugly alone , things like that . The firefighters are saying who cares about that stuff ? We just need to survive . There's a fire going on and we got to put it out . And that's where porn comes in Other similar unwanted behaviors . But the managers and the firefighters are both driven by fear . Driven by fear , the core self is driven by love . Arousal can be an exile for sure , especially if you have really hated yourself for a certain type of arousal . Maybe that arousal is , you know , it's part of your group of exiles . It can also be a firefighter trying to make the pain go away .

Speaker 1 37:50

Richard says is the goal to get all of your parts to play nice together , kind of ? I want you to think of your internal family system as a school bus . This comes from the book Boundaries for your Soul , which I highly recommend . In the book it says that all of your parts are kind of like kids on a school bus and your goal is to walk right up to the front of the school bus and take back the steering wheel . The problem is the kids might not let you do that . Remember , in session two we talked about you first have to love the boy before you can lead the boy . You first have to build trust with these parts of you before you can gain their cooperation . So for some of us it's almost like , hey , the kids are driving the bus and I'm like at the back watching them take control and veer off the road into an accident .

Speaker 1 38:48

In this work you are learning how to love and lead your parts . You're kind of like the conductor of the symphony and there are all these instruments . So yes , in a sense the goal is to help the instruments play together so that you can create something beautiful in your life and in your sexuality . So just to clarify one more time I'm getting some questions about this Within us , about this Within us . We all have these three different types of parts the exiles who are wounded , the managers and the firefighters whose job it is to try to protect us , but they are often doing a poor job . So our goal is to live more from our core self rather than from any part of us , and that's it Again .

Speaker 1 39:47

This teaching was a preview of the Husband Material Academy video course . If you want to go deeper into these topics and you want to learn more about HMA , go to joinhmacom . The doors are open now and they will not be open again until July . In any case , I hope this was helpful for you , especially in understanding internal family systems , and I want you to always remember that you are God's beloved son and in you he is well-pleased .