Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to the Husband Material podcast, where we help Christian men outgrow porn. Why? So you can change your brain, heal your heart and save your relationship. My name is Drew Boa and I'm here to show you how let's go. Hey man, thank you for listening to my interview with Jason Mellard about how to own your identity and become confident, especially if you experience unwanted same-sex attraction. This episode will really resonate with you. Jason has had a wonderful journey of healing from abuse, freedom from porn, and now he's helping others in a really awesome way that you're going to hear about. Enjoy the episode. Today we are hanging out with Jason Mellard, the newest certified husband material coach. He's also a certified high performance coach and he is the founder of Own your Identity, which you can find at ownyouridentitynowcom. Welcome, jason.

Speaker 2: 0:57

Hi, thank you so much for allowing me to be on the podcast. You're welcome.

Speaker 1: 1:02

You once longed for a life of purpose and possibility, but you felt trapped by same-sex attractions. Yes, yeah, absolutely what was that like for you?

Speaker 2: 1:14

I went to high school and college and I got into porn, um, and I was obsessed with with guys at different times and I didn't know what to do about it. I was also experiencing depression and anxiety and towards the end of college I got to a place where man, I was just trying to put one foot in front of the other, um, and ended up in the emergency room with the nervous breakdown, didn't know what to do. But soon after that I met someone that said to me tell me more, tell me everything, jason, I want to know. And he was very insightful and perceptive and he asked me Jason, were you abused sexually? He just had a sense. And you know, I paused for a moment. I thought I could just say no, you know I could change the subject. But I know that if I step into this scared and do it anyway and be open and vulnerable, I know it's going to lead me to somewhere better. And I said yes, and I can't tell you how freeing that was, to show up and be open and honest. And that was really the first piece of my healing journey Having somebody really listen, you know, with their full attention, and have a lot of tools. You know this man, a mentor of mine, you know, with their full attention and have a lot of tools. You know this man, a mentor of mine. You know he had a lot of tools that he could help me with. A lot of them were really untangling my attractions from. You know the beliefs, the sensations in my body, from the emotions and what I was telling myself and where some of those things you know came from and how a lot of lies felt so true. I would be able to put all those down on paper and I'm like, yeah, I guess I can compare that to the Bible and logically in my mind say, you know, this is not true, but it feels so true or it feels so real. The fear that I had about life, you know the anxiety that I experienced. It was so strong, the physical arousal towards the images of other guys and guys that I would see it was so strong. That's what felt real, that's what felt like truth. And I had to say, well, what do I really think? What does the Bible think? Where do I want to go in life? And I get to own my identity, own your identity as a little bit of a play on words too, because nobody gets to tell us who we are. Nobody gets to tell us where we want to go in life and the choices that we want to make. We get to decide that we want to follow Christ and follow his lead. We get to decide.

Speaker 2: 3:42

For me, I didn't want to go into the gay lifestyle. I wanted to be married to a woman. It was a dream that I had and I had to understand that. I can hold both of those things loosely. I can understand my arousal, the thoughts that I was having and at the same time know that I really did admire the opportunity to be with a woman in the future. I didn't know how those two things were going to work out, you know, but I trusted God.

Speaker 2: 4:10

There was a guy in college and his friend asked me out to dinner and I didn't realize that they both identified as gay. I guess I was clueless about it. But they said to me you know, jason, you're gay. And it was kind of news to me. I had never thought of myself that way. I just knew that I was trying to figure out what it meant to be a man and it took me aback and I was a little bit offended by it.

Speaker 2: 4:35

But looking back on on that moment, I think you know those guys were actually trying to help me out. I think that they they saw me and they knew that I was living this kind of shell of a life. I wasn't being authentic, I didn't know how to be, I didn't have this strong sense of confident purpose that I admired so much in other guys. Well, yeah, I didn't, because I was reaching to other guys to get it. I was reaching to things outside of me, right, but I had to go inward to what God had placed in me and once I learned to do that over time and really invited God in, invited other people in to do it, then that became so much more real. They thought that was the answer. They thought Jason needs something. You know, I think maybe what he needs is to come to the realization that you know he is a homosexual and just embrace that. So that wasn't the answer. I think God had something different for me, but there's just more to life.

Speaker 1: 5:31

Why are you so passionate about helping men own their identity and develop confidence?

Speaker 2: 5:39

Because life is short. I got to be over 40 years old and I said you know what am I doing with my life? And I was doing a lot of great stuff, but I wanted to do something that really counts. And I think that all of us, you know, have something that God has planned and purposed, you know, for our life. And if we don't know what it is, that's okay too. But living each day with a sense of purpose, knowing that you know God has great things in store and in mind, you know for each day that when we show up as good that's what I want people to experience that they know they have great worth and value and that the future is bright.

Speaker 2: 6:13

I didn't feel that way. I felt really small, you know, for so much of my life. Dive back into my childhood a little bit. I didn't get encouraged to show my true self and to speak and ask for what I needed and tell people who I was and what I was about. You know to think of what the things were that you know really interested me and what I was passionate about.

Speaker 2: 6:37

I was a pastor's kid growing up and you know I thought there's a certain role that I feel like I need to play. There is interaction with the people around me that I have to show up a certain way, and my dad was the pastor, but he wasn't a great father at home. There was sexual abuse, physical abuse that I experienced growing up and I felt like my dad took more from me than he gave to me. He didn't give me a sense of strong identity. That's what I needed so much. I need somebody to tell me that I had what it takes in life, or anything in life. I had what it takes as a man. I didn't get that from him. I look back in my life and all the things that I felt ashamed of or I felt, okay, this shouldn't have happened in my life or I shouldn't be this way, you know I can look back and say, you know, those were building blocks really to live a life of purpose and possibility. And when I look at wherever I am in the journey of recovery and healing of course everybody's still on that you know I could be very far at the beginning and know that, all right, I don't know where this is going to take me.

Speaker 2: 7:45

It's kind of scary to start looking at my porn habit, to start looking at my unwanted attractions productively, but I can say to myself that God is with me, that I am fully accepted right now by him. I am fully a man right now. Right, I don't need to go out and get masculinity. I'm 100% masculine, 100% a man right now. Right, I don't need to go out and get masculinity. I'm 100% masculine, 100% a man right now. That was the biggest question of my life is what does it take to be a man? What do I need to be able to say that I'm a man and masculine and be a part of that club?

Speaker 2: 8:15

When I asked some of the guys in my coaching group you know who they are as men I ask them you know, what do you want to create? How do you want to show up in the world? What do you want to give? Who do you want to serve? Right, because I think those are such powerful definitions of who we are as men and masculinity.

Speaker 2: 8:33

You know we are here to bring something to the people around us. You know we show up every day. We're a reason on purpose, with intentionality, because we have so much to offer and I really want everybody you know listening to this podcast to know that, hey, you know you have so much to offer in your brokenness, in your healing, in your recovery. You know whatever happens, you know between now and then, and also you had so much to offer even when you didn't realize it. You know growing up along your journey up until now, and I think this is just a beautiful thing. Anywhere you are in your journey is really a good place, even if it's grieving, even if it's sadness, even if it's loss.

Speaker 1: 9:15

Yeah, a lot of what we do at Husband Material is grief work. It's healing the boy to free the man. It's just so powerful. One of the aspects of your story that stands out to me is how you felt like you were watching from the sidelines. You thought you were different, other, uniquely flawed. What did that look like for you?

Speaker 2: 9:43

If I could tell you, drew, the number one thing that has attracted me most to guys. When I look at any time in my life and I see somebody and I say, wow, that's an attractive guy, the thing that comes to mind is the sense of confident purpose, that he knows who he is, that he knows where he's going and what he's about. You know that he has a bright future ahead of him, that his voice carries weight and when he walks into a room, man, he's going to be bringing something great to it, and that people are better off, you know, for his presence. I wanted that so much in my life and I just didn't feel like I had a whole lot to offer in life. And so when I would look at a guy like that, I would say, well, you know, what does he have that I don't have, so that I could be confident and have a sense of purpose and know who I am and be able to raise my voice and know that somebody's going to listen because I have something great to say. And I would look at him and I'd see strong muscles. Or you know he's dressed really great, or you know he doesn't turn his eyes away when a girl is looking at him.

Speaker 2: 10:48

I'm going to give you just a story of when I was a kid, because I want to get you you know in as well as to how it was as a child. And here's a great example of one piece, one little you know part of the abuse story that I experienced, of how maybe that led to feeling like I was on the sidelines, looking at life from the outside. In you know my dad. He would tell me that there was a place on my body that belonged to him and because it was his, he got to touch me there. And you know saying that out loud gosh, that does not make any sense. You know, saying that out loud gosh, that does not make any sense, of course. But as a boy I thought, okay, you know, I guess my body I don't fully own, separate from it in a way, and more things like that just compounded on each other and got really confusing.

Speaker 1: 11:40

Wow.

Speaker 2: 11:50

So you felt that your sexuality belonged to him? Yeah, I think in a lot of ways, that he wanted something from me and that I didn't have a say in it. Gosh, that was a really poignant place in my life where I learned that my voice doesn't count. You know, that's what I believe from there. Gosh, how could I interpret it any differently, right?

Speaker 1: 12:05

So how redemptive for you to be teaching on owning your identity.

Speaker 2: 12:12

Yeah, wow, I really started to doubt myself and I extrapolated that to so many things in my life, in my life. What did you believe about yourself as a result of that? Yeah, I believe that I didn't have. You know what it what it takes to be able to make a mark in the world. I didn't believe that my voice counted I know I mentioned that and I didn't believe that I had the value enough for somebody to actually look at me and say you know, jason, what do you want to do right now?

Speaker 2: 12:47

What are you thinking? What are you feeling? Right, that's what we want, I think, as kids. We want to see our parents looking at us with delight, like, oh you know, show me who you are, jason, show me what you're about, because I think that's what God does to us. When I spend time with him, I like to think that he kind of gets giddy, he gets excited. Oh, jason's gonna have some time with me right now reading my word or praying in this unique moment, and I wanted that so much from my dad. I wanted him to ask me who are you? I see these things about you. I see that you're enjoying this or doing this. I see how you were playing with your friend and what you did at school the other day. You're telling me about this and you got so excited. Tell me more. I want my dad to tell me, tell me more. I want him to say that to me, and I think we all long for that. We want to be known.

Speaker 1: 13:38

Yeah, it's the only way. And then, after doing a lot of work in recovery and healing, the only way. And then, after doing a lot of work in recovery and healing.

Speaker 2: 13:46

You joined a husband material group. Absolutely. I was so glad to be introduced to husband material and my first foray into it was a free childhood sexual abuse retreat, you know, virtually, and that was maybe three years ago. I needed that. I just thought, you know, there's something more there still and I had been in sexual abuse recovery groups before and worked on a lot of that. But I was really drawn to this retreat and I enjoyed it so much. I was still, you know, looking at porn at that time, probably the first 10 years of my marriage average once a month, you know, looking at porn and I wanted to really work on that as well. And the inner child approach that husband material incorporates into their work was it was really appealing because I thought, you know, there's there's more down there that I'd like to get to and it was so powerful and I remember writing the letter to my younger self and being able to honor that kid that was so alone.

Speaker 2: 14:44

One of the times that you and I met one-on-one, drew, I don't know if you remember, but you had me picture myself and I don't remember exactly how it came up, but I was in a boxing ring. I was watching myself in this boxing ring and myself that was there was this confident person, the kind of person I wanted to be there and I remember looking at him and thinking, wow, that's great. I still felt kind of small, even after a lot of recovery work. And I looked at him and there was a huge rock monster coming up. This was a visualization exercise that we were doing together and he didn't bat an eye. It's like, ah, this big beast, you know, coming into the ring to fight him and you know the Jason that I wanted to be. Still, I feel like there was still more that I had to grow into. He wasn't concerned at all and what was really cool is, before he started walking towards the rock rock monster, he looked over at me. He saw me there and he just kind of waved at me to come and he wanted me to fight alongside him. He wanted me to be there and it was so cool.

Speaker 2: 15:56

I felt like this version of myself saw me and knew that I was valuable, that coming alongside him was going to be better than me not being there so much in my life. I thought it's going to be better if I'm not around. You know, let somebody else raise their hand and take an opportunity. But you know, here he was saying no, jason, you're the one for this. And you know, we were there next to each other and we started walking towards this monster and as soon as we walked towards him, he just vanished and disappeared, because the only thing that was making him big was the idea that there was fear. You know, it's kind of like a bear if you run away, it's going to get bigger and come chasing after you. And we walked towards it and pretty soon, you know that other version of myself wasn't there anymore and it was just me and I was him.

Speaker 2: 16:46

It was a really cool experience of kind of morphing into, you know, the Jason that I really always wanted to be, and just to know that I am him and I've always been him and I'll continue to grow and to see more of what God has for me.

Speaker 2: 17:01

And then you invited Jesus to come in and Jesus came into the ring and, wow, that was pretty cool because, yeah, I felt strong already, and then I I was holding Jesus's hand, you know, and his arm was around me and I felt even stronger and I felt like, wow, I'm home. And then he walked me out of that boxing arena and we, you know, walked home and it was just a beautiful experience. So that was one of my really favorite things about doing the small group coaching and then having the one-on-one experience with you through that is to be able to integrate, you know, the, the person I think I am and the person that I know God knows that I am already, and when those get integrated together it really is powerful, and being able to move forward in that is a beautiful journey.

Speaker 1: 17:52

Amen. I'm so excited to have you on our team now leading others through this journey as a coach, and also you're leading your own ministry creating lots of content podcasts, articles and you have a course. Can you say more about that?

Speaker 2: 18:13

Yeah, I'd love to. You know I really want to be there for the person that is maybe discovering their unwanted same-sex attractions for the first time or, you know, just in a place in life that they feel stuck and are trying to figure out how to move beyond them. And I know for me I felt like they held me back in so many ways and one of those ways was by letting those attractions be so big in my mind I had shame and fear and judgment to really blow up this beach ball I use that analogy in one of my podcasts into something that was so big it obscured my view of what was possible in life. In my coaching program, which is a 12-week group coaching program, can do it one-on-one as well I start by getting men really clear on who they are before we really dig into the deep work and look at the childhood issues and all those really incredible opportunities to grow further in and see where those beliefs come from. Starting with, this is who I am in Christ. This know. This is how God designed me. You know to show up in the world. Start to be able to regulate. You know your thoughts and emotions.

Speaker 2: 19:25

The first module is called Find your Voice the first of the three modules and it really is being able to step into the knowledge and understanding that I have a great voice to be able to share and to offer to other people and that I'm going to come into this second module of doing the deep work in a more empowered way and I'm going to look at the difficult things in life, knowing that they can really be stepping stones to a life of greater purpose and possibility and not something that I have to trudge through, you know, before I can get back to life as I know it and to be okay. And then finally, in the program we really get ultra clear on what it is that God has in store for you and map that out and figure out what the steps are along the way and all throughout. You know we'll be looking at I know a lot of the things that for me were hangups, such as you know, what does it mean to be a man? What is masculinity? And then being able to grieve and grieve the fact that I have experienced unwanted same-sex attraction.

Speaker 2: 20:27

You know I mean a lot of guys. I don't want that. You don't want that in my life, right? Maybe even grieving that or grieving the impact that it's had. But I want guys to know that they're not alone, that there is a great world ahead of them and possibilities are endless in their life. It's so important to believe that because that's how we show up more empowered in the present is to believe that there's a future that is open to all possibilities.

Speaker 1: 20:57

Amen, that's awesome, jason. What is your favorite thing about freedom from porn?

Speaker 2: 21:04

A clear mind. Wow, I don't have a bunch of junk in my head anymore. You know, the junk of the images, of looking at porn is not there. The obsession of I'm going to look at porn is just inevitable. The planning of it, you know, the planning of not looking at porn, the thinking about having just looked at porn, you know I'm going to tell my wife that I did it this time or I'm not going to. All of that junk in my head. To have a clear mind is precious. Like I said, we only have so many days to live here on this earth and I want to make the best use of all of them.

Speaker 2: 21:41

And if I have a bunch of clutter up in my mind, you know that's not good at all. So I love it. I just love knowing that I can choose something else besides looking at porn and I can decide what I focus on and where I want to go.

Speaker 1: 21:55

Awesome, what I focus on and where I want to go. Awesome, and I can own my identity and not let porn or another person tell me who I really am. Absolutely, jason. Thank you so much for being with us. Thank you for telling your story and being vulnerable. If you would like to connect with Jason, go down to the links in the description and he has a lot of resources and availability to help you. If you are struggling, you can also go to ssaquizcom, which is interesting.

Speaker 2: 22:26

Yeah, I created ssaquizcom, you know, so you can get a greater understanding of where you're letting your unwanted attractions hold you back. It includes five key areas in life clarity, energy, influence, courage and productivity. And those are so powerful for moving forward and confidence in life and for making an impact. And I've allowed my unwanted same-sex attractions to really impact all those areas of my life and the more awareness I gained, the more I was motivated to change and to grow through them, the more I was motivated to change and to grow through them.

Speaker 1: 22:58

So connect with Jason and always remember your true identity is that you are God's beloved son and in you he is well-pleased.