Healing Sexual Shame

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Welcome to the Husband Material podcast , where we help Christian men outgrow porn . Why ? So you can change your brain , heal your heart and save your relationship . My name is Drew Boa and I'm here to show you how let's go . Thank you so much for listening to my sermon or watching my sermon from the most recent Husband Material Retreat . If you didn't get a chance to come , this is a little window into what it was like , and if you did get a chance to come , I hope this is something that helps you remember our amazing experience together .

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This sermon was one of the most powerful sermons I've ever preached . I was really proud of it , and so I'm excited to share it with you all . I preached on the story of Philip and the Ethiopian , which might be very familiar to you , but I think you're going to see some new things . Specifically , if you have ever felt unlovable , unreachable or uniquely broken , you're going to hear the gospel in a way that touches your specific life experiences . If you've ever felt sexual shame , if you've experienced childhood trauma and injustice , if you have ever felt excluded and emasculated . You were on my heart while I was preparing this sermon and I hope you enjoy it . I'll start by reading our text Acts , chapter 8 , verses 26 through 40 .

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Now an angel of the Lord said to Philip go south down the desert road that runs from Jerusalem to Gaza . So he started out and he met the treasurer of Ethiopia , a eunuch of great authority under the Kandake , the queen of Ethiopia . The eunuch had gone to Jerusalem to worship and now he was returning , seated in his carriage . He was reading aloud from the book of the prophet Isaiah . The Holy Spirit said to Philip go over and walk beside the carriage . Philip ran over and heard the man reading from the prophet Isaiah . Philip asked do you understand what you're reading ? The man replied how can I , unless someone instructs me ? And he urged Philip to come up into the carriage and sit with him . The passage of scripture he had been reading was this he was led like a sheep to the slaughter and as a lamb is silent before the shearers . He did not open his mouth . He was humiliated and received no justice . Who can speak of his descendants ? For his life was taken from the earth ? The eunuch asked Philip , tell me , was the prophet talking about himself or someone else ? So , beginning with this same scripture , philip told him the good news about Jesus . As they rode along , they came to some water and the eunuch said Look , there's some water , why can't I be baptized ? He ordered the carriage to stop and they went down into the water and Philip baptized him . When they came up out of the water , the Spirit of the Lord snatched Philip away . The eunuch never saw him again , but went on his way rejoicing . Meanwhile , philip found himself farther north at the town of Azotus . He preached the good news there and in every town along the way until he came to Caesarea . This is the word of the Lord , thanks be to God .

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This story is usually called Philip and the Ethiopian Eunuch , usually called Philip and the Ethiopian eunuch , but I wonder if you will think of it differently after today . What's the story about ? If you focus on Philip , you will see a story about Christian ministry . A disciple of Jesus who gets called by the Spirit to go and evangelize to someone , and once he is fully converted to Christianity , he gets baptized . What a nice sounding story about evangelism and baptism . And there are some good principles for ministry in the story . But that's not what it's about .

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If you focus on Philip , you'll see a story about Christian ministry . If you focus on the bigger picture of the book of Acts you see a story about the Christian message , the gospel which started in Jerusalem and then Jesus said to his disciples you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in Judea and in Samaria and to the ends of the earth . And in the book of Luke , which comes before Acts , we see Jesus going to Jerusalem . He's focused on going to Jerusalem . Comes before Acts . We see Jesus going to Jerusalem . He's focused on going to Jerusalem . And the whole book of Acts from Jerusalem , this gospel explodes outward to the whole world , which is really inspiring and it makes for a really nice story .

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But still you might think to yourself is this really for me ? This good news ? It's going out to all those other people . How great for them . But what about me ? What about my story ? What about my sexuality ? Can the good news come all the way into the darkest corners of my heart ? Because sometimes I feel too broken , because sometimes I feel unlovable , sometimes I feel unreachable , sometimes I feel like what works for everybody else for some reason just doesn't resonate with me or it just doesn't give me the results in my life that it's giving other people . So , yes , this story is about the gospel spreading out geographically to every corner of the world .

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But I want to show clearly we need to zoom in . Many of you have heard me say that with your story and with your sexuality , the power is in the particularity . The power is in the particularity . We have to look more closely at this story . If we zoom out , we see the gospel coming to new countries and new cultures , but if we zoom in on this story , we see the gospel touching childhood trauma , sexual shame , systemic injustice and the agonizing experience of being excluded and emasculated . That's what this story is about .

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And to see that we need to look at a man whose name is not even mentioned . You might know him as the Ethiopian eunuch or perhaps , more respectfully , the Ethiopian treasurer . Today we will call him Eman Excluded man , emasculated man , ethiopian man , eunuch man . But there's more to him than you think . What do we know about Eman ? We know he was the treasurer of Ethiopia , a eunuch of great authority under the Kandake , the queen of Ethiopia . We know he was African . In the Bible , being Ethiopian does not refer to the modern day nation of Ethiopia . It was a shorthand way of saying this man had dark skin and his origin came from the continent where people have the darkest skin . In Ezekiel it says how can the Ethiopian change his skin ? I mean , this is not talking about a small part , this is talking about Africa , but specifically the kingdom of Kush , which was ruled by queens kandakes . In your Bible it might say the queen Candace . Her name was not Candace , that was her royal title , and he worked directly with the queen of Kush . Maybe we should call it the queendom of Kush .

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In modern day Sudan , the capital city was Marawi and he was a powerful man . This guy was powerful , he was the treasurer , he was in charge of the finances for the whole country . This guy was wealthy , he was educated , he was a man of great authority with massive responsibilities and many privileges . And so , in many ways , here's a man who has his life , a life that so many others would look up to and think , oh , if only I was wealthy like him . If only I was wealthy like him , if only I was educated like him , if only I was powerful like him , if only I had connections like him . But there's one thing about him that probably made him feel quite powerless he was a eunuch . It's hard for us to understand what that really means in the modern world , so I'm going to spend a little bit more time explaining what that one word implies .

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Kush , certain high up jobs were only given to the safest , most trustworthy men , or rather , certain jobs were only given to the men who were perceived as being as trustworthy as possible . So for someone working with the queen , to prevent any potential for sexual misconduct , her bodyguards , her closest co-workers and the treasurer were often eunuchs . A eunuch is a man who has been castrated , most of the time in childhood , before puberty , so that there would be zero chance of the queen being sexually threatened by the men who were closest to her . Some chose to become eunuchs , but the clues that we get later in the story reveal that this man did not choose what was done to him and at a social level , we need to honor the reality that Eman's sexuality was viewed as a threat to women . Even back then , there were stereotypes about African men being promiscuous or having large penises or being violent . I mean , these things are very real today and they also were around back then . And because Eman's sexuality and his very person was viewed as dangerous , he suffered unspeakable violence from his earliest years for the sake of social advancement at a terrible cost .

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Here's what probably happened to Eman when he was a boy , the adults in his life set him up for a lucrative career in the royal court by crushing his testicles so that they would no longer produce testosterone . Certainly before puberty , maybe even when he was a baby , but maybe when he was a toddler . Maybe when he was a toddler , maybe when he was a school-age boy , he was sexually violated , he was abused , his sexuality was vandalized , and so many of you know what that's like . When you were a little boy , your sexuality was vandalized by porn or by another person , or at the very least , it didn't develop as we would have hoped . Let's pause here .

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Think about how this one event would have affected the rest of his physical , how this one event would have affected the rest of his physical , emotional and social development . His voice never dropped , probably stayed high-pitched . What if he had wider hips , smaller shoulders ? He probably had less body hair . Some eunuchs even developed breasts . Maybe his bones would break more easily .

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This is a man who has probably never felt fully at home in his body . Do you know what that's like ? And that's just the physical . Imagine for him growing up with lines blurred and questions and confusions about who am I ? What does this mean about me ? What does this say about me , and then with other boys and girls . Did he feel odd ? Did he feel strange ? Did he feel different ? I bet he saw himself as less masculine because he was literally emasculated .

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From a young age , e-man felt excluded and emasculated , and if I imagine myself in this man's position , I would feel unrelenting sexual shame . Do you see how E-man is so much more than what you may have viewed him as previously ? That one little word , eunuch , carries all of this within it . Have you ever felt uncomfortable with your body , with your sexuality ? Have you ever questioned your with your body , with your sexuality ? Have you ever questioned your status as a man ? Do you know what it's like to carry deep shame everywhere you go , feeling uniquely broken ? Have you ever felt like you're the only one who hurts the way you do ? That's E-man . It's enough to make someone desperate desperate for answers , desperate for healing , desperate enough to travel across the world searching for something that can help me . E-man had almost everything , almost everything that people would have wanted in his society , but there was this one part of his life where he was always , always affected in a way that you and I are just beginning to understand by talking about it . I wonder if this is why this man traveled so far from his place of origin to worship . The text says the eunuch had gone to Jerusalem to worship , interesting Some scholars suggest that Eman may have been partially Jewish .

Redemptive Risk Gone Wrong

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Scholars suggest that Eman may have been partially Jewish . Way back , years and years and generations before this story took place , a queen from Africa , or at the very least a queen with dark skin , visited King Solomon . They probably had sex . They probably had children . It's possible that Eman could be descended from that line . In any case , he has some kind of faith in God . He has a reason to make this pilgrimage , searching for answers , and I want to focus on that a little bit . All his life he probably felt never fully at home . Maybe this pilgrimage to Jerusalem would change that . Maybe he would find his people . Maybe he would find his true identity in Jerusalem .

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The distance from Moroni to Jerusalem was 1,500 miles , mostly through the desert . Even if they traveled 20 miles a day , that would take 75 days . He would have incurred massive expenses , so many risks . This would have taken tremendous financial resources , multiple servants going with him all this way . I mean he had to be desperate . Why else would you go that far ? What faith he had , what a redemptive risk he took . But if Eman did his homework , he might have realized what would happen upon his arrival . He might have realized what would happen upon his arrival .

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According to Deuteronomy 23.1 , if a man's testicles are crushed or his penis is cut off , he may not be admitted to the assembly of the Lord . Even if he had some Jewish heritage , even if he had faith in God , this would have disqualified him . But we also know that Eman was reading Isaiah . We know he was reading Isaiah 53 . Listen to what it says in Isaiah 56 . He was reading Isaiah 53 . Listen to what it says in Isaiah 56 .

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Don't let foreigners who commit themselves to the Lord say the Lord will never let me be a part of his people . And don't let the eunuchs say I'm a dried up tree with no children and no future , for this is what the Lord says . Future , for this is what the Lord says . Listen very closely . I will bless those eunuchs who keep my Sabbath days holy and who choose to do what pleases me and commit their lives to me . I will give them , within the walls of my house , a memorial and a name far greater than sons and daughters could give , for the name I give them is an everlasting one . It will never disappear .

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Can you imagine Eman reading those words ? Can you imagine the hope ?

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Maybe this is what he's been waiting for . I mean , this promise speaks directly to his deepest pain Because in that culture your identity came from your family , being the son of a certain person or having descendants who could carry on the line . In our culture , broadly speaking , we get our identity from satisfaction . If you have a satisfying romantic relationship , then you're somebody . If you have a satisfying career , then you're somebody . You're not nobody in our culture , in their culture . If you have sons and daughters and grandchildren who can carry on your name , then you're somebody , and if you don't have that , then you're nobody .

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This was speaking directly to that identity and saying I will give them those eunuchs . It says I will give them a memorial and name far greater than sons and daughters could give . If we translate that into today , if you're single , if you're divorced , I will give you something far greater than the wife of your dreams . If you're unemployed or if you're at a job that you hate , that promise for you would be , I will give you something far better than the job of your dreams or the career or the ministry that you've always hoped for . I have something way better for you and it will last forever . I mean , if you're a man like this sounds worth the risk To go and experience . That would be a fulfillment of his whole life story . Right , and I can resonate with that . One of my favorite movies is Disney's Hercules . The song Hercules sings at the beginning of that film as he goes out on his journey . It's called Go the Distance .

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I have often dreamed of some far off place where a great warm welcome will be waiting for me , where the crowds all cheer when they see my face and a voice keeps saying this is where I'm meant to be .

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I will find my way . I can go the distance , I don't care how far . If I can be strong , I know every mile will be worth my while . I will go most anywhere to feel like I belong .

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That is E-man . I imagine him with all of those hopes and fears and desires in his heart , setting out on the journey of a lifetime . But when he arrived in Jerusalem , at the temple , the guards would have seen him and made snap judgments , just like we talked about in our workshop yesterday . They would have seen his dark skin , they would have seen his distinctive clothing as an African court official . Maybe they would have noticed his high-pitched voice and subtle differences in his body type . Even without checking his private parts , it would be easy to tell that he's probably a eunuch . Can you imagine the devastation and the disappointment of his redemptive risk gone wrong After a journey of a lifetime ? He comes , perhaps excited and imagining that others would be excited that he came all this way to see someone from so far away who wanted to worship so much that he would show up here . But no , no , and when we meet Eman , he has already taken that journey and he's on his way home . Injustice upon injustice .

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One more example of how excluded and emasculated he was Because he truly was excluded . He truly was emasculated by the very people , this time , who he thought would be different . Some of you know what it's like when the place you hoped would heal you only deepens your shame shame . Maybe you've gone to church , or multiple churches , hoping that this community will be the one where I belong . Maybe you've done multiple recovery programs , thinking maybe this will be my healing or this will be my ticket to freedom , but for any number of reasons , you've come to the conclusion that it seems good for some other people , but actually not for me . I'm not one of them . I don't belong , and for many of us we were excluded and emasculated in the name of religion and Christianity . The people of God have been part of our trauma . How did Eman respond to that ? Well , he's on his way home .

Embraced & Empowered Man

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The text says he was seated in his carriage . He was reading aloud from the book of the prophet Isaiah . Did you catch that ? He's not done . He was disappointed . He was devastated , but he was not done and was disappointed . He was devastated , but he was not done and God was not done with him . Those people at the temple were done with him , but Jesus was just getting started with him .

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He was still reading and there was this one passage that he couldn't get over Isaiah 56 apparently seemed like it wasn't coming true , but he's still going back to Isaiah 53 . He's still going back to Isaiah 53 . He's still showing up . I imagine him reading it over and over again and for some of you , even just being here tells me that you have not given up . You may have been disappointed , you may have been devastated by your attempts to find healing , but you're here and that means that you are not done and God is not done with you . And you might feel like I'm coming back to the same issues over and over again . I keep coming back to the same place and I don't know if anything's ever going to change .

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But I'm here . What happens next ? Well , there was this guy named Philip . The Holy Spirit said to Philip go over and walk along beside the carriage . Philip ran over , that's what it says . He didn't just walk over , he ran over . That's what it says . He didn't just walk over . He ran over , maybe trying to catch up with the chariot , and he heard Eman reading from the prophet Isaiah . Philip asked hey , do you understand what you're reading ? Eman is obviously still open to hearing something new . He's still open to the possibility that maybe , just maybe , there's redemption on the way . Eman replied how can I understand what I'm reading unless someone instructs me ? Come up here , Come with me . He urged Philip to come up into the carriage and sit with him . In this moment I feel inspired to highlight those three words sit with him . That's what Philip did . He just sat with him . Wow , this is really not about Philip at all . Philip just sat with him .

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The passage of scripture Eman had been reading was this he was led like a sheep to the slaughter and , as a lamb , is silent before the shearers . He did not open his mouth . He was humiliated and received no justice . Who can speak of his descendants ? For his life was taken from the earth . Eman is reading this thinking that sounds like me . That's what happened to me . He can't get over this one passage . He keeps reading it .

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When Eman hears he was led like a sheep to the slaughter , he hears his own story . Picture a little boy about to be castrated . Whether that happened when he was an infant or a little boy , that's what happened to him . As a lamb is silent before the shearers , he did not open his mouth . This boy had no voice . This boy had no choice . He didn't choose what happened to him . He didn't want this for his life . His sexuality was vandalized . He was humiliated and received no justice . What happened to him never should have happened .

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No matter who you blame the system , the people who can speak of his descendants this boy would never grow up to enjoy sex fully . He would never have a wife , he would never have a family , For his life was taken from the earth . I wonder what are the things in your life that would cause you to say I have no life , I'm nobody . For him , it was being a eunuch . His life was taken from the earth . Being a eunuch made the life that everybody saw as legitimate , impossible , Impossible . Eman is thinking this prophet Isaiah , he gets me . He understands what I've been through all my life . I've never had words for what happened to me until now . Who's Isaiah talking about ? Is he talking about me ?

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Because he's telling my story .

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Wow . So , beginning with this same scripture , philip told him the good news about Jesus . He did not go through a four-point logical presentation of the gospel . He began with this scripture , this scripture that speaks directly to Iman . Who is this passage talking about Jesus ? Jesus knows what it's like to suffer . Jesus knows what it's like to be sexually humiliated . Jesus knows what it's like to be single . Jesus knows what it's like to be single . Jesus knows what it's like to have no kids . He knows what it's like to be excluded and emasculated . But there's one big difference Unlike us and unlike Eman , jesus chose to experience these things . Why would someone ever choose to experience these things ? Why would someone ever choose to experience these things ? Because he loves us . He was led like a sheep to the slaughter so that we could be saved , and not just saved in general . He is bringing salvation and redemption to our specific stories of suffering . He was humiliated so that we could be honored . He was victimized so that we could be victorious . He was cut off so that we could be connected . He was excluded so that we could be embraced . He was emasculated so that we could have a new identity be embraced . He was emasculated so that we could have a new identity . And that's just the start .

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Isaiah 53 can be summed up in the verse that says by his wounds we are healed . And do you know what Isaiah 54 says ? We read it earlier in our Old Testament reading . Listen to this in the context of Eman being a eunuch never going to have kids , sing O childless woman . You who have never given birth Break into loud and joyful . Song O Jerusalem , you who have never been in labor , that's Isaiah 54 .

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Eman has all of this in his scroll Isaiah 53 , isaiah 54 , isaiah 56 . And if he's reading that , he's like what ? What do you mean ? I'm going to have descendants . There has to be something bigger and better than he ever imagined . And then my favorite part of Isaiah 54 comes next , and I want you to hear this for you , because these words are not just for Eman , these words are for you and me .

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Fear not , you will no longer live in shame . Don't be afraid , there is no more disgrace for you . You will no longer remember the shame of your youth . Praise God . You will no longer remember the shame of your youth and the sorrows of widowhood , for your creator will be your husband . Wow , even if you never get married , even if you never have kids or even if you feel like you have everything in your career and your ministry . But this area of sexuality is always , always a struggle . Your creator will be your husband . He is going to fulfill your deepest longings better than any other person ever could .

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The Lord of heaven's armies is his name . He not only loves you , he is powerful to love you like no one else could . He is your redeemer , the holy one of Israel , the God of all the earth , for the Lord has called you back from your grief . That's what he's doing to Eman . He's calling Eman back from his grief . He says , as though you were a young wife abandoned by her husband , says your God , for a brief moment I abandoned you , but with great compassion I will take you back . In a burst of anger , I turned my face away for a little while , but with everlasting love , I will have compassion on you , says the Lord , your Redeemer . I don't fully understand those words . I probably won't until I experience them fully one day . I don't know what it means that God is saying for a brief moment , I abandoned you , or in my anger , I turned your face away . But I think I'm beginning to get a grasp on this everlasting love and compassion , on this everlasting love and compassion .

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When Eman encounters Jesus , as Philip preaches the gospel to him , starting with this scripture , everything changes . Philip is telling him that Isaiah 53 and 54 and 56 , and even 55 , they're all about Jesus . So as they rode along , they came to some water and Eman said look , there's some water , why can't I be baptized ? He ordered the carriage to stop and they went down into the water and Philip baptized him . Eman was rejected at the temple , but he was accepted on the road and when he was baptized he was welcomed into the most sacred holy place , way , way closer to God than whatever he would have had in the Holy of Holies over there .

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Because baptism is about inclusion and identity . That is the meaning of baptism being welcomed fully into God's family , a place where you belong , a place where all of you belongs , a place where every part of you and every part of your story can somehow fit . When Philip baptizes E-man , e-man becomes embraced man , e-man becomes empowered man and he has a new identity . Being baptized means going down into the water and coming up out of the water . It means dying with Jesus and rising with Jesus and becoming a new person , even if you don't feel like one yet . When you become a Christian , you are a new person . Become a Christian . You are a new person . When you get baptized , you embody that new identity and now everything that belongs to you now belongs to Jesus . Everything that belongs to Jesus now belongs to you . It's kind of like a marriage . All of your shame belongs to Jesus now . All of your trauma belongs to Jesus now and he's taking responsibility to take care of it . All of your sexual struggles belong to Jesus now and everything that belongs to Jesus now belongs to you .

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Jesus once said as the father loves me , so have I loved you . Do you remember Jesus' baptism ? A voice from heaven came and said this is my beloved Son . In him , I am well pleased . And now those words belong to you Because you have a new identity in Jesus and your creator will be your husband . Praise God . When they came up out of the water , the Spirit of the Lord snatched Philip away . They came up out of the water . The spirit of the Lord snatched Philip away . The eunuch never saw him again , but went on his way , rejoicing Isn't that peculiar ?

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Like why ?

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Why would they say that ? That the eunuch never saw him again . But he didn't think oh no , the man who changed my life is gone . Now I'm all alone again . When he finally found someone who understood him , he's finally experiencing the love he's always longed for . The guy disappears , but he's rejoicing . You see , this story is not about Philip . Philip is just a placeholder . Philip is not necessary . There were 12 other disciples who could have done it . 11 other disciples who could have done it . 11 other disciples who could have done it . There were 11 other disciples who could have done this job , just like Philip did .

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It doesn't matter who the person is who comes to you with this message you can go on your way , rejoicing , because Jesus is going with you and he's not going anywhere and he's never going to leave . Gentlemen , you have come a long way to this retreat , some of you over a thousand miles . You may have experienced a level of love and belonging that you don't have at home . I have good news for you . When you go on your way and we all disappear , jesus is going with you , he's not going anywhere . In your shame , in your sin , in your struggles , in your questions , in your doubts , in your fears , in your trauma . He's not going anywhere . He's been with you the whole time and he's not going to leave you now . He may have revealed himself in a new way , but he has been here with you the whole time and he has people who can be placeholders for him wherever you go . In fact , as we minister to each other at this retreat , we are placeholders for Jesus . We're like Philip , but it's not about us . All we do is we show up and we run to each other and we sit with each other and we tell each other the good news and we remind each other of our real , true identity and we welcome each other into that in an embodied way . Isn't that beautiful ? That's what this whole thing is about . And there's more .

The Gospel Reaching Every Part Of You

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Meanwhile , philip found himself farther north at the town of Azotus . He preached the good news there and in every town along the way until he came to Caesarea . So here we see the overall big picture of the book of Acts once again , because now it's getting to Caesarea and I believe that is on the coast . The gospel has gone out to Samaria in the beginning of Acts , chapter 8 , and now it's beginning to go to the ends of the earth by the end of Acts , chapter 8 , which is pretty cool . It's pretty cool , but here's what that really means . All that academic stuff doesn't even make a difference if you don't understand what it means . Philip preached the good news there and in every town along the way . In other words , this story didn't just happen once . It kept happening . There were more people like Eman who got to experience this good news with Philip and 11 other disciples .

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So in some ways , the story is actually not unique because it kept happening and it's still happening today . The gospel is still going out to every corner of the world and to every corner of your story . The gospel is still going out to every corner of the world and to every corner of your story . The gospel is still going out to every corner of your sexuality . The gospel is still going out to the parts of you that feel too broken , too far away , like I don't belong , I don't fit in , there's no hope for me . I will never get to that place of being fully welcomed . You have traveled a long way to get here .

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Just like E-Man , you have a story of being wounded that goes way , way back to when you were a boy , just like E-Man , and so do I , and just like Philip , I am here to tell you the good news about Jesus Christ in the context of your specific suffering .

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If your sexuality was vandalized when you were a boy by porn or another person , if you have felt deep shame about your body for as long as you can remember , or if you have a nagging sense that you don't really belong anywhere in this world , that you don't really belong anywhere in this world , the same Jesus who embraced Eman is here to embrace you . Jesus Christ is infinitely empathetic . He understands In him . You are not the excluded man . You are not the emasculated man . Those things don't define you . You are embraced and empowered and you have been given a name , just like E-man . You have been given a name far greater than sons or daughters could give . It is an everlasting name . It is a new identity that silences shame and brings unstoppable joy . Your name is God's beloved son and in you he is well pleased .