Speaker 1: 0:31

Welcome to the Husband Material podcast, where we help Christian men outgrow porn. Why? So you can change your brain, heal your heart and save your relationship. My name is Drew Boa and I'm here to show you how let's go. Today, we are talking about the three types of unhealed boys within every man. Why are we talking about this in the context of outgrowing porn? Because, as you may have heard me say many times, men don't get hooked on porn. Boys do so. That's why we have to go back and heal the boy. We have to heal the parts of us that are attached to porn. That often developed in childhood, and there are three major types of parts that I want to highlight here. This is a bit of a spin on Eddie Cabrucci's inner child model, where he talks about 12 types of inner child. It's a bit of a spin on internal family systems, where they talk about different types of parts. And, ultimately, my goal here is to simplify what is happening within you when you feel the urge to watch porn. Oftentimes, it's actually not just one little boy who wants to use porn. It's multiple little boys within you, and today you will learn about three and, to be clear, I believe every man has these little boys within him at some level. For those of us who are outgrowing porn, we need to help these little boys grow up so that they can let go of pornography and whatever other unwanted behaviors you may be holding on to that you carried with you from childhood into adulthood. Here are the three types of unhealed boys within every man the good boy, the bad boy and the hurt boy. If you want to begin to explore these different little boys within you, here's my question for you as a boy what did you believe about yourself? Don't think about it too hard, just answer from your gut. Did you believe you were a good boy or a bad boy? Did you believe that you were damaged beyond repair? I wonder if you may have believed all three in different ways and at different times. It's not that the good boy is completely good or that the bad boy is completely bad. Those labels aren't really helpful. The reason why I'm calling them good and bad is because that is often what we believed about ourselves. The reason why I'm calling them good and bad is because that is often what we believed about ourselves and that is often the role that we chose to take in order to try to get our needs met.

Speaker 1: 3:21

Let's start with the good boy. When the good boy was growing up, he felt the need to be good, to try to keep all the rules, obey mom and dad, try not to make people mad, get good grades, succeed in sports, or maybe even to be a good Christian boy. And there's nothing wrong with being good or wanting to be good. The question is, why? Why did you feel the need to be good? Did you feel the need to be good? What were you afraid might happen if you didn't always follow the rules, or if you didn't do everything perfectly, or if someone didn't like you or if someone was angry with you? What were you afraid might happen? Why did you feel the need to always be good or always to present the image of a good boy? If you find yourself stuck in the role of being a good boy man, it is exhausting, it's stressful, it's oftentimes suffocating. It's like, sadly, the good boy doesn't really feel like he can be himself. That's part of the tragedy. Maybe you felt the need to be a good boy for other people, maybe for younger siblings who needed you, or for parents who were in crisis or chaos. There are lots of reasons why you might grow up as the stereotypical so-called good boy.

Speaker 1: 4:52

When the good boy grows up, he becomes the hero, the one who fulfills his dreams or the dreams of others, who meets others' expectations, who saves the day, who rescues people. The Christian version would be the one who is used by God, the one who's making an impact. Think about the person who's making a difference, or trying really hard to make a difference. Oftentimes that's the good boy, part of a person that has grown up into what I'm calling the hero. It's a persona, a mask, an identity that you might take on for yourself or for other people. Oftentimes, this persona of the hero is exactly why so many men feel afraid or ashamed to open up about their sexual struggles or their relationship with porn, about their sexual struggles or their relationship with porn. Oftentimes we try to be the good boy or we try to be the hero in order to avoid being the bad boy.

Speaker 1: 5:55

The bad boy is the one who grows up trying to meet his needs by rejecting the rules, by doing his own thing, even if others don't like it, even if it makes people mad, even if it has negative consequences for him or for others. He has given up on trying to be good. The bad boy doesn't really care about what other people think or what God thinks. He cares about what matters for him in the moment, and in that way he's actually not all bad. However, this bad boy part is often the one that keeps coming back to porn, that gives into temptation, that believes this is what I need, because being good is not good enough for me. The bad boy might also think I can't be good. I've tried, it's not working, so what's the point? The bad boy can become resigned to a life that he doesn't really want, but he feels like he has to settle for that. The bad boy is not actually worse than the good boy. In fact they can both have the same motivation.

Speaker 1: 7:10

The good boy is trying to get his needs met, just like the bad boy. In a different way. You might think of the good boy and the bad boy like the older brother and the younger brother in the parable of the two lost sons, and in that story the bad boy is the one who experiences healing and redemption. Sometimes being good or holding on to this identity of good boy can get in the way. Both boys need healing, and it's a little bit more obvious for the bad boy because oftentimes his behaviors are the ones that are causing obvious problems. I mean, the good boy, who's maybe overworking or people-pleasing, is actually causing problems too, but they're often the more socially acceptable problems and the ones that we're willing to tolerate because, look, it's doing so much good at work or in ministry or in my relationships. But the truth is the good boy still needs healing, just like the bad boy. At the surface level, the villain within each of us seems really harmful and destructive. But as the so-called bad boy grows up and learns to meet his needs his own way, he often grows up to be the villain. He's often misunderstood.

Speaker 1: 8:22

Both the good boy and the bad boy are trying to meet the needs of the third unhealed boy within us, who is the hurt boy. Many of us aren't even aware that the hurt boy is there. Sometimes the hurt boy is invisible or unknown, but he is a part of you, the part of you that feels broken, dirty, disgusting, the part of you that feels unloved, unworthy. The hurt boy didn't get what he needed. Emotionally, no one was there for him. Sexually, no one taught him anything. Relationally, he was often alone. And so the hurt boy tries to get his needs met through the good boy or the bad boy and if this is starting to sound confusing, just bear with me. The hurt boy carries your pain. The hurt boy carries beliefs about yourself. Like I'm ugly, I'm rejected, I don't deserve good things. These types of feelings and lies and experiences belong to the hurt boy. Some of us have spent much of our lives trying to get away from that boy through being good or through being bad. Some of us still think I am that boy.

Speaker 1: 9:58

The hurt boy grows up to be the victim. The victim has learned to expect the worst. He has resigned himself to a life without hope. He has resigned himself to a life without hope, without healing. The hurt boy usually doesn't have language for what he's feeling or what he's going through. He might even just think it's normal. But at the very core of the hurt boy there is this feeling that things are not the way they should be. Things happened to me that shouldn't have happened and things didn't happen to me that should have happened. That's what the hurt boy went through. So it makes a lot of sense that the hurt boy grows up to identify as the victim. He believes that his life will always be defined by his hurt by his wounds, there's no hope, there's no healing. At least, that's what the victim believes.

Speaker 1: 11:01

I wonder if you resonate more strongly with any one of these parts the good boy who grows up to be the hero, the bad boy who grows up to be the villain, or the hurt boy who grows up to be the victim. Whether you resonate with one of these or all of these, I have good news for you. No matter how you felt as a boy and no matter what type of man you have grown up into, all of these different roles and parts of you are not who you are. This is not who you are. You are God's beloved son In you. He is well pleased.

Speaker 1: 11:44

As that truth begins to sink in, the good boy begins to outgrow that role of having to be the hero. You don't have to be good enough. In fact, there's no such thing as good enough. There is so much freedom for this good boy, part of you in the love of Jesus, which says you don't have to perform to be loved. You can have praise and honor that has nothing to do with your performance. The bad boy can begin to see some good in himself. He can start to let go of that role of being the villain all the time, because the truth is oftentimes what he wants deep down is actually good, like to be accepted or to be connected or to be free or to be released from something restrictive. The bad boy begins to learn how to meet his needs without resorting to something that hurts him and other people. He doesn't have to be the villain anymore.

Speaker 1: 12:57

I actually love so many qualities about the bad boy parts of us. They're often authentic, they can be playful, they can be funny. We need to learn how to see that the bad boy has a good side and the good boy has a bad side. And as you begin to integrate and let go of being the hero all the time or the villain all the time, you can also let go of being the victim. The hurt boy can experience healing, and I actually believe that the hurt boy is a healer because he can show you where you've been wounded, and oftentimes as much as we focus on healing the inner child and sometimes the inner child heals us it's a beautiful, mysterious process. So what do we do with all this information? Let me make it really practical for you when you feel like a little boy again either, like you have to be that good boy or you have no choice but to be the bad boy, or you're just overwhelmed with the hurt and the wounds of the hurt boy. You have a choice. You have a choice. You can meet the needs of the boys within you in a healthy way. Let me tell you exactly what they need, because actually it's pretty much the same for each one.

Speaker 1: 14:16

The good boy, the bad boy and the hurt boy ultimately need to be known, loved and led. The good boy oftentimes was presenting one version of himself to the world. He needs to be known in the other sides of him, the sides of him that don't like doing the right thing all the time. The bad boy needs to be known in some of his unique good qualities that others don't see. And the hurt boy needs to be known because he's carrying so much of your heart. Each of these boys need to be known. You got to get to know them, you got to spend time with them, and then they need to be loved. All boys need a blessing, a sense that who I am is good, who I am is enough, who I am is a beloved son of the Most High God To experience. That is perhaps our deepest need that brings the most healing and freedom from pornography and other unwanted sexual behavior.

Speaker 1: 15:15

The boys need to be known, they need to be loved and, finally, they need to be led. They need a leader. When the good boy is leading the way, it's oftentimes going to lead you into burning out. When the bad boy is leading in the way, that's often going to lead you into acting out. When the bad boy is leading in the way, that's often going to lead you into acting out. When the hurt boy is leading the way, you're often going to find yourself giving up.

Speaker 1: 15:37

Here's the good news those little boys are not who you are, my friend. You are a man, not just a man. You are God's beloved son and in you he is well-pleased, and that means that you have everything you need to get to know these little boys within you, love them and lead them to freedom. That's what we teach you how to do here at Husband Material. There are lots of different episodes and resources that can give you more information about that. If you want to learn more about what this process practically looks like, check out some of the episodes I've included in the description so that you can get more of a sense of what it really means to heal the boy and free the man. Always remember, my friend you are God's beloved son and you, he is well pleased.