Understanding Men and Women's Communication

Speaker 1 0:01

Welcome to the Husband Material podcast, where we help Christian men outgrow porn. Why? So you can change your brain, heal your heart and save your relationship. My name is Drew Boa and I'm here to show you how let's go. Today, we are hanging out with Sulanda Smith, who is also known as the communications ninja coach, who helps men know what to say and how to say it with the women who love us, and she's also a certified sex addiction therapist as well, which is a really awesome combination. Welcome to the show.

Speaker 2 0:43

Thank you, I'm so happy to be here with you today.

Speaker 1 0:46

Same Sulanda. There's a pretty amazing story behind why you do what you do. Can you say more about why you're passionate about helping men?

Speaker 2 0:58

Yeah, absolutely. It first starts because I have seven brothers. Yes, you can imagine, growing up with seven brothers is quite interesting. I was privy to the talks, the locker room talks probably the stuff I shouldn't have heard, in addition to just questions about why does she do this and how do I fix that. That's where it all started, and so naturally, I moved into wanting to help people and became a therapist.

Speaker 1 1:23

Amazing Sulanda. How do men and women really see each other?

Speaker 2 1:28

Very interesting. Okay, are you ready?

Speaker 1 1:31

Ready.

Speaker 2 1:32

So women typically see men okay, typically, now, not always but women typically see men as hairy girlfriends.

Speaker 1 1:42

What do you mean?

Speaker 2 1:45

as hairy girlfriends. What do you mean? And vice versa. Men typically see women as hairless men. So we typically talk to our partners like we're talking to the same sex or same gender. We're not really paying attention to the eyes rolling or the eyes drifting off to the TV or picking up the phone. We just get angry instead of knowing that, well, depending on what gender you are and person because this is general, this is not everyone that your hormones actually dictate your behavior.

Speaker 2 2:20

So when women are talking to men, she's going on and on and on giving all of the details. Oh, I can't believe. Camille wore that polka dot dress with those four inch pumps and we had to walk all the way up the Capitol stairs and then she broke her ankle and then the security guard had run over. She's into this whole deep story and he's like can you just give me the details, just give me the bullets, that's all I need, right, that's all I want, you know? But she's like oh, you don't want to hear me, I can't talk to you now. You never want to talk. And then you hear this cycle that starts. And then, for men, he just wants to tell you what happened. Babe, how was your day? It was good, well tell me about it.

Speaker 2 2:56

Tell me more and he's like nothing happened.

Speaker 1 3:07

So that's the difference. We tend to talk to each other like we're the same gender, and I can see how that would create so many points of disconnection. What are the three biggest complaints that women have about men?

Speaker 2 3:16

Well, the first one consistency. Men are not as good as being consistent as women Not all, see, I always like to say this is a general, blanket statement, because I have met some men that are on point, like what they say they're going to do they follow through with. But the biggest complaint women have about men is that they don't follow through. Even if that's something that they promise to change in their behavior or change in how they treat her, they'll do it for about two weeks. Two weeks is usually the amount of time I get from each woman I talk to. That men can actually keep up a behavior that he said he'd change.

Speaker 2 3:54

And then there's that oh, babe, can you fix or change out the doorknob? Can you change that light bulb? Can you fix the screen door? Can you get my tires changed? And then she's finding herself asking him to do this over and over again. And it's two months, three months down the line, winter has rolled in, she still doesn't have the right tires on her car. And then she becomes frustrated.

Speaker 2 4:16

That's number one. Number two is that he wants to fix everything. She's just wanting him to say okay, babe, like do you want me to just listen or fix, and I can talk about that more, but it's like I really just want you to listen. You don't have to fix it. But for him men are designed because they're hormones hormones again to fix things. So then he feels a certain way when she's pushing him away or doesn't give him the opportunity to fix things. Okay, so that's number two. Number three she complains that he's not emotional enough. But she may not understand again here hormones and biology. He's designed differently and most men are not supposed to be overly emotional. He's taking it in processing, thinking about what he can fix. Whatever she's talking about, what she's saying, he's going down the list. Can I fix that? I can fix that. Now, what does she really want me to fix Because she's named seven things in one sentence? What does she want from me? She really want me to fix because she's named seven things in one sentence. What?

Speaker 1 5:19

does she want from me? Those are the biggest. I can see how this lack of consistency is especially important for our community. Healing from unwanted sexual behavior and trying to get free from porn and yet many of us not being consistent with it and oftentimes struggling more than once every two weeks promising to change. What would you say to a man who is stuck in that cycle?

Speaker 2 5:54

Yeah, there's two frames of mind going on in this cycle. One, you have just the fact that he's a man and he's designed with different levels of testosterone, progesterone, estrogen, even malaria inhibitor All of these, for men, make him who he is, and his response time to behaviors and his ability to process what's happened and then say, okay, I know I need to do this, but I don't know how to do it. I don't know when I should do it. I really need some support, but then I don't want to ask for the support because I don't want anyone to think that I really can't handle my business and my life. I'm supposed to be leading here to a certain degree, so we can't have that.

Speaker 2 6:37

And then we have this addiction, this obsessive behavior Like I refer to it as an obsessive behavior and it's this thing that's sort of crawled into the mind and it's taken the place of whatever it is that you have really been wanting in your life. 83 to 87% of persons who have been diagnosed with a sexual addiction have had some type of history with trauma, even in their childhood. It could be sexual, it can be emotional, it could be physical, it can be systematic. So it's really important for men to first say it's okay where you are right now Okay, not like saying the activities that you're participating in is okay, but where you are feeling like you can't do this right now, it's okay.

Speaker 1 7:27

So what are some of the ways that men who are struggling with this issue can communicate better? Very good question.

Speaker 2 7:35

I mean that you don't have to have big seven to 17 letter words to communicate how you're feeling. I work with men, I teach the basic of words and then we set a picture to it Like I'll say do you remember, maybe, when you were kicked off the baseball team or you fell off your bike or your brother beat you up and took your candy every day, whatever the situation is for that person, how did you feel? Usually the words that were used sad, mad. So we start from the basics sad and mad. We don't need any other adjectives or descriptive words. They'll come when you work with someone to help you pull that out they'll come when you work with someone to help you pull that out.

Speaker 1 8:20

Yeah, being able to communicate our emotions and understand what they are and then receive the emotions of our partner is so huge for intimacy. Yet unfortunately, we're dealing with an intimacy disorder and it's hard to learn these skills. And it's hard to learn these skills.

Speaker 2 8:44

What do women really want from men that we need to learn how to give them? It's not stuff, it's not material stuff. Well, some depending on your love language like I'm a gifts person, right, but I like little, small, nominal gifts, right. You know, bring me that chocolate cupcake that I like from so-and-so place. But it's not stuff, it's actually connection. And connection looks like asking hey, babe, how was your day, you know? Hey, babe, can I do something for you today or this week?

Speaker 2 9:14

That's normally not the thing you do, like if she washes the dishes and she puts them in the dishwasher and this is hilarious, because I've heard so many people say they don't trust their husbands to put away the dishes or put them in the dishwasher because he doesn't stack them right. And I tell her get over it. You have somebody willing to help take a load off, right, so just get over it, it'd be okay. But ask her what can I do for you today? What would you like me to do? And then make sure you schedule that time. I even tell men put it on your phone, put it in your calendar, make it an alert, and these things are so simple if you don't just rely on your memory. Stop right in that moment and put it in the calendar.

Speaker 1 9:57

Stop right in that moment and put it in the calendar. That's so good and so simple to actually prioritize our relationship. Enough to set an alarm or to put it on the calendar a reminder, Like so many of us really do care, but we don't create the systems to support that.

Speaker 1 10:20

Even just having a plan for how I'm going to love this person, how I'm going to serve this person, is a really good first step. I mean, if you just have a plan, that's great. Most of us are not thinking about a plan. No, yeah, I love her. I'm going to love her. But how? Sulanda, you mentioned differences in hormones. What are some of the typical differences in the way our hormones work out when it comes to sexual intimacy?

Speaker 2 10:52

As I mentioned before, men have higher levels of testosterone. I think typically we're taught that, like in our you know health classes and things like that, but what we don't realize is how it affects the relationship, because higher levels of testosterone focuses more on problem solving. Then we tend to not know, or be miseducated or just not educated at all, that when you have an individual with higher levels of testosterone, they want to fix the problem as soon as possible, like they don't want anything lingering, they don't want to have to come back to it. They want it off the list when for people who don't have high levels of testosterone. They want to go through the process. They want to look at even why this thing is occurring in the first place. They just don't want to fix it, right? Ie, women mostly that. Okay, here's the problem. What do we need to do to fix it? We don't need to talk about all of the reasons why it hasn't gotten fixed. Hence why women? That's what women do. We don't want to talk about what's going to get in the way of it being fixed. That's what women typically do. We just want to fix it. Now there's a good reason why women want to talk about the processes why it is occurring, because they want to make sure it doesn't occur again. A woman's mind, because of the progesterone, wants to make sure everything is done correctly so that she doesn't have to go back. She already has a checklist in her mind of things she needs to do that day and if something isn't done correctly she doesn't want to hear it. That's also why she doesn't want people to do chores that she normally does, because she has to go back and do them over because they weren't done like even in the first place.

Speaker 2 12:35

Oxytocin, a bonding hormone. Many women have higher levels. That's why women like to talk, they like to bond, they like to get the whole picture out there. Right Men, lower levels of oxytocin. They don't want the big picture. Like I said before, they just want the bullets. Just give me what I need to fix, make me aware of what I need to be aware of, and then I can go. I always tell women give your girlfriend the story and your man the bullets, because that way he's clear on what his task is, he can understand the assignment and walk away like he has won. He has gotten some points, he is good.

Speaker 1 13:19

What do you say to men on the other side?

Speaker 2 13:23

So, men, typically I would ask him to ask her babe, do you want me to solve the problem or just listen? Yeah, you need me to do it in this moment? Right, and you automatically see his shoulders drop when, when she says oh, just listen, babe. But then here's the caveat he has to tell her how long he can actually listen before his eyes start to wander to the television or to his phone, or past her face, before his eyes start to wander to the television or to his phone or past her face. Right, and I'm joking about it, but this is just real stuff. But what we need to remember is none of this is done to torture your partner. It really is biology, and I think that's where I miss education causes so many problems in relationship and even in addiction, because an addiction is also an imbalance, right Chemically and just mentally.

Speaker 1 14:13

This is a non-shaming way to look at things.

Speaker 2 14:17

Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 1 14:18

So refreshing, you also give some scripts that men should be aware of. What are some of those scripts?

The Power of Asking for Help

Speaker 2 14:29

Oh yeah, these are the fun ones. So we talked about earlier that men don't always know what to say, and that's what I do I teach them what to say. Now, every woman isn't the same, so you can't use the same script on every woman. One general script is what I shared Babe, do you want me to just listen or do you want me to solve it? Okay, and, by the way, I only have two minutes that I can listen without getting distracted. Yeah, he knows his limit. So another script when you ask her babe, what's wrong? She goes nothing. Babe, what's wrong? Nothing. Okay, I can see that you are upset and not happy and I really want you happy. What can I do, or what can we do, to make sure you're happy? So it's the language very simple, simple words, but knowing how to use them. Your timing, tone and temperament are also important, but knowing how to use them.

Speaker 1 15:27

Your timing, tone and temperament are also important.

Speaker 2 15:28

Yeah, hey, I'm feeling something and I don't know how to put it in words. That's a script. I'm feeling something, I don't know how to put it in words. Can you help me? And then, while he's saying that, though, he has to believe within himself that by asking for help, he still is helping the entire relationship and the situation, so he still gets to feel like the hero, he still gets some points for showing up. He understood the assignment.

Speaker 1 15:57

That's good. Sometimes we feel shame in asking for help, both from our brothers in recovery and also from our partners. I like reframing that as part of being a hero is being brave enough to ask for help and to admit when I don't know what I'm feeling, I don't know what to say and I don't know how to change it. That's courageous, zulanda. At the end of each episode, I almost always ask what is your favorite thing about freedom from porn?

Speaker 2 16:31

Freedom from porn, from what I have seen with many people is you get a life back, and a life you didn't even know was possible.

Speaker 1 16:40

Love that. Drop the mic. If people are interested in your resources or working with you, where should they go?

Speaker 2 16:51

yeah, make it plain and simple. The website has everything.

Speaker 1 16:54

Salonda smithcom thank you so much for being the older sister that we never had oh, I love that you're so welcome guys always remember you are god's beloved son and you he is well pleased.