Freedom From Gay Porn

Speaker 1 0:01

Welcome to the Husband Material podcast , where we help Christian men outgrow porn . Why ? So you can change your brain , heal your heart and save your relationship . My name is Drew Boa and I'm here to show you how let's go . Today , we are talking about freedom from gay porn . Maybe you want to be free from gay porn , or maybe you want to help others find greater freedom from gay porn . Maybe you want to be free from gay porn , or maybe you want to help others find greater freedom from gay porn , and even if you don't struggle with this , surely you know someone who does . I hope this will be really helpful for you . You may even want to share it with others to help them understand .

Speaker 1 0:38

I have been building up to this episode for three years , learning as much as I can , working with men who are outgrowing gay porn , figuring out exactly what I want to say . In this episode , you will learn why so many men struggle with gay porn , what freedom looks like and how to stop using gay porn . I realize this topic is delicate . It's vulnerable , it may be triggering , so I want to give you permission to pause your listening or to take a break whenever you need to in order to be kind to yourself . And a disclaimer is in order this episode is not about sexual ethics . It's not about sexual identity or sexual orientation . We'll talk about same-sex attraction , but that's not the primary focus . We are talking about freedom from gay porn , specifically porn featuring men . Why am I qualified to talk about this ? I specialize in helping men find freedom from porn and very particular types of porn because my own story involved a very particular sexual fetish that always felt irresistible and , as I share openly about that , I think a lot of men who are struggling with gay porn can resonate . They can resonate with loving it and hating it at the same time , and that's so much of my story . And so at least half of my clients are specifically wanting freedom from gay porn and I've helped hundreds of men achieve lasting freedom , not just temporary behavior change , but deep soul level healing , soul level healing .

Speaker 1 2:29

And although I am primarily attracted to women , I do occasionally experience a mild sexual attraction to other men . It doesn't bother me , it's not something that I have sought out in porn . I've never watched gay porn . However , I have masturbated to a man before , particularly myself , and I've talked about that elsewhere . I've masturbated to myself and at least one other man , so I'm not completely removed from the experience of being sexually attracted to men , and our community at Husband Material has many men who are specifically wanting freedom from gay porn .

Speaker 1 3:09

I find that when men are asking why do I struggle with this , why do I struggle with gay porn ? A lot of times what they're really asking is why am I abnormal ? Why am I different than all these other guys ? Why can't I just struggle with the more typical sexual attractions and behaviors ? Why gay porn ? And underneath that , there is this deep-seated experience that I am not like other guys . I'm somehow weird , different . I don't belong . I'm somehow weird , different , I don't belong .

Speaker 1 3:46

So for all of you who are here live , I want to ask you while struggling with gay porn , have you felt abnormal ? 97% of you said yes . Core experiences where men who are attached to gay porn need something new and different and healing and hopeful . If you have felt abnormal because of your attraction or attachment to gay porn , I have good news for you , my friend you are not abnormal and I want to explain more about why . But first I want to ask okay , why have you felt abnormal ? If you answered yes 97% of you answered yes why did you say yes ?

Speaker 1 4:41

You guys are saying I felt abnormal because I'm not attracted to men in real life , just in porn . Because I was told same-sex attraction is an abomination . I felt abnormal because I'm not gay , but I'm watching gay porn . Felt abnormal because a guy should be looking at a woman and not a man . And let me add there that looking at a woman lustfully is just as sinful as looking at a man lustfully . I mean , both are inappropriate , both are objectifying , both are dehumanizing . For some of us who grew up in purity culture , we internalize the teaching that I cannot think sexual thoughts about a woman ever , ever , ever , ever , ever . So thinking sexual thoughts about a man felt a little bit less inappropriate or maybe not as abominable , and so some of us developed a very negative association with women . Why did you feel abnormal ? Because that's not what my other friends talked about while in school . It's taboo . I'm feeling adequate . I felt abnormal because other guys made fun of anything by calling it gay . Well said , yeah , I remember those days . I thought that my secret fantasies would be seen as disgusting by my peers . I believe there's something wrong with me . Hope you guys can resonate with some of these things . My friends , I have good news for you tonight . If you have found yourself attracted to gay porn or attached to gay porn , you are not abnormal , you are normal .

Speaker 1 6:16

Even for so-called straight men , the male body can be very arousing . If you were to wear a blindfold and someone was going to touch your private parts , you would not easily be able to know if that person was a man or a woman , but it would be arousing . God made our bodies to be aroused by other humans , male or female . That's how our bodies are designed to work , and even for so-called straight porn , sometimes the camera will focus in on the man . Even during porn that you would think of as typical or so-called normal porn . There is no such thing as normal . There is no such thing as having an attraction or a fetish that makes you totally different from everyone else , because ultimately , our bodies are designed to be aroused . They could be aroused by anything , and if you feel aroused by men , that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you .

Speaker 1 7:22

Here is a statement I have been thinking about whether or not I want to say . Over the past few years , I've been saying more and more that everyone experiences unwanted sexual attraction of some kind . Today I want to extend that I actually think everyone experiences attraction to the same sex at some level . It is not just a few of us , it is all of us , and God designed men to be drawn to other men . And I'm not just talking about sexually here , I'm talking about emotionally .

Speaker 1 8:03

Think about the phenomenon of being emotionally attracted to someone . You meet another guy , you want to be friends with him , you want to hang out . That's an emotional attraction to someone of the same sex . There's absolutely nothing wrong with that . In fact , even within Christianity , the Bible celebrates brotherhood , saying oh how good and pleasing it is when brothers dwell together in unity . That impulse toward intimacy with other guys , with other men , is exactly what we need to feel in order to have community , in order to have camaraderie and , ultimately , in order to be healthy , mature men . We need men , men need men .

Speaker 1 8:47

And that emotional attraction is not the only kind . There's also a physical attraction that men often feel toward other men in terms of wanting a hug , putting an arm around a shoulder , for example , physical contact through sports , through fun , through play . Many of us didn't really experience that when we were little boys , and that's part of what we need for normal human development . And then , as I was saying earlier . Our bodies are designed to be sexually aroused by other human bodies , male or female . That's how we're built . So , emotionally , physically , sexually , everyone experiences some degree of attraction to members of the same sex , and I would even add a new concept that I've never heard anyone talk about , but a spiritual attraction as well .

Speaker 1 9:50

What I'm thinking about here is the fact that , as a Christian , I believe that I was made for deep spiritual union with a man named Jesus , and I believe that all of us are created with this Jesus-shaped hole in our hearts that nothing and no one else can satisfy . No one else can satisfy Sometimes . The man that you are seeking is Jesus . In the Bible , the church is called the bride of Christ . We are the church . We are made to be married to Jesus , who is fully God and fully man . So the reason I share all of that is simply to normalize the fact that if you feel attracted to a man emotionally , physically , sexually , maybe even spiritually , you're normal . You're not different than everybody else . You belong , you are part of the human race . You are not somehow separate and you are fully man . You are not somehow less masculine , you are not somehow other or strange , and so much of what we do at Husband Material is healing because it's integrating all of us together . Gay porn , other types of porn , doesn't matter . Our arousal is not who we are . Who we are is beloved sons of God , and at Husband Material we're reclaiming that truth together .

Speaker 1 11:30

So this term of same-sex attraction is the most common phrase that I hear people using , and so I use it a lot too , and at the same time I kind of want to quote the Princess Bride and say you keep using that word . I do not think it means what you think it means . When most men talk about same-sex attraction , they're not talking about the normal mild emotional attraction to somebody you want to get to know better , or the physical attraction of wanting a hug or to hold someone's hand . I mean , they're talking about a same-sex sexual attraction , and I would add that it's actually a same-sex sexualized attachment . Charles says dang Drew , I've been saying that for years . That's why I don't like saying SSA . So oftentimes we use the term same-sex attraction and I think that's okay because it helps people understand what we're saying . It would be a mouthful to say same-sex sexualized attachment . So I understand why we use language for convenience and yet it's not always accurate to what we really feel , because I experience same-sex attraction sometimes and it's okay , it's fine , it's not a big deal . I think it's the sexualized attachment that can really feel irresistible and powerful and hard to get free from . I see some of you guys saying let's change it to SSSA . Oh , that's great . Maybe tonight is the start of a new phrase or a new acronym . I want to introduce you guys to a great book about sexualized attachment , specifically between men , called Healing and Recovery Perspective for Young Men with Sexualized Attachments by Dr Floyd Godfrey . This is a great workbook that can really help you understand the concept of sexualized attachment , how it happens and specifically how boys often develop a sexualized attachment to other boys and to men . So check that out if you're watching or listening to the recording . I'm going to put that in the description in the show notes Watching gay porn does not mean you're gay .

Speaker 1 13:50

Some men are exclusively attracted to women , except in porn where they search for men . Other men are exclusively attracted to other men , but they have no interest in porn . So these issues of sexualized attachment and gay porn overlap but they're not exactly the same . And I would add , gay porn is not actually men , it's images and videos of men . It's not being attached to a real person . It's being attached to pixels on a screen , and that's different . That's not the same thing . A real person . It's being attached to pixels on a screen , and that's different . That's not the same thing . So when we talk about gay porn , we're not just talking about men . We're talking about pictures and images and videos of men . That's an important distinction , because you may think that your main issue is being attracted to other men , when , in reality , gay porn is about a version of men , a representation of men that feels perhaps safer , more controlled , more accessible , more predictable , more reliable and there are reasons why that has power rather than a real person .

Speaker 1 15:07

What do you guys think so far ? Tamim says I hate the label . Why do we have to have a label ? Language is imprecise . We sometimes need an umbrella to be able to talk about our experiences and identify with other people who have shared similar lives and similar struggles , and yet , at the same time , those labels can be limiting . So I encourage you to find whatever label works for you .

Speaker 1 15:33

The label of gay porn is very clear Porn featuring men . That's what we want freedom from . Why do we struggle with it ? Before recording this , I asked a lot of you guys . What are your questions about freedom from gay porn ? And the number one question I received was why , why , why , why do I struggle with this ? And the truth is , attachment to gay porn is really not that different from attachment to other types of porn . Every man who I've ever met who's attached to porn has had a very similar set of experiences , a very similar storyline that set us up to carry this behavior from childhood into adulthood . And one of the primary reasons why is early exposure to porn In the chat .

Speaker 1 16:21

Let me know how old were you when you were first introduced to pornography and how old were you when you were first introduced to gay pornography ? 11 , 8 , 13 , 7 , or 8 , 10 , 6 , 9 , 20 . Okay , 7 , 11 . Some of you guys are saying that you were introduced to porn at a younger age and then gay porn later on , and gay porn later on . Oftentimes porn that features men can initiate arousal towards men's bodies . That later goes into gay porn . Joseph says I was always drawn to the men in heterosexual porn . I hear that a lot and while masturbating to any type of porn , it's your own body that's arousing you . It's the body of a man . So I think the progression into gay porn makes sense . The vast majority of you are saying you were exposed at a young age , when you were a boy .

Healing Boys From Attachment to Porn

Speaker 1 17:22

It's not men who get hooked on porn . Primarily it's boys , and that's why at Husband Material , we always go back to the boy Heal the boy to free the man . If you want a summary of what Husband Material is all about , there you go Heal the boy to free the man . And that's true for any type of porn , including gay porn . We have to heal the boy . Well , what do we need to heal him from ?

Speaker 1 17:54

I actually think early exposure to porn is sexual abuse . If you were introduced to porn at an early age , you are a survivor of childhood sexual abuse . And if you were introduced to gay porn or sexual activity with another boy or another man , it's likely that you have a sexual trauma imprint on men . That imprint is not who you are . It's what happened to you . That's one of the primary origin stories for struggling with gay porn .

Speaker 1 18:27

Beyond early introduction to porn , another core experience is abandonment and neglect . For most of us , sex and porn was never talked about in our house . We were sexually abandoned . We were sexually neglected . Maybe we got one talk one time , but this needed to be normalized as a regular part of life , as a part of learning from our fathers and from spiritual fathers and brothers and mothers Like what does it mean to be a man ? How does sex work , having a sense of blessing for our sexuality and boundaries and accepting our feelings ? I mean , so many of us were not given any kind of guidance in this area other than through porn or perhaps through peers or through abuse , rather than from our parents , from the place where it should have come from . And a lot of men who are attached to gay porn never had a close , emotional , intimate connection with their fathers or with other boys . So abandonment is a core experience . Another core experience is alienation , that sense of I don't belong , I feel cut off from others , maybe especially from other boys . So many men who are attached to porn were bullied . So many men who are attached to porn were bullied . So many men attached to porn never really had a group of friends , never really felt like they fit in . Porn was our friend , it was our teacher . Porn fathered us . Porn mothered us . Porn was there when no one else was . And lastly , one of the core experiences underneath attachment to porn is abuse .

Speaker 1 20:18

I've talked about how early exposure to porn is abuse , and also being awakened sexually by another boy , by another man , is a very , very common experience for men who are outgrowing porn . I see a question from Larry asking was I just born this way ? No one was born attached to gay porn . Even if you experienced attraction to other men or other boys at a very young age , these categories can still apply . I just talked about four core experiences that contribute to attachment to porn early introduction to porn , abandonment , alienation and also abuse . Were you abandoned ? Were you neglected , especially in the area of sexuality ? Left on your own to figure this out . Were you alienated ? Did you feel cut off from others ? Were you alone in general , and were you exposed when you were still underage or did you have a sexual relationship with another man or boy that was abusive ? So put that in there . Check as many as relate to you and yes , I want to include physical abuse and emotional abuse in there . 76% of you said you experienced abandonment , 84% of you experienced alienation and 65% of you have identified abuse in your story , including early exposure to porn , and that number on abuse is always lower . Because it is so difficult for us to face experiences of abuse . We often deny or minimize abuse in order to survive .

Speaker 1 22:15

Any type of attachment to porn is often rooted in early exposure , abandonment , alienation and abuse . Specifically for men who are attached to gay porn , we experienced these same things and then pursued gay porn as a sexualized solution . So porn is not primarily a problem . It is a sexualized solution for emotional pain . That's why we say porn is a pacifier . All of us have sexualized our pain into pleasure of one kind or another , toward women , toward children , toward men and , as we talked about two weeks ago in the episode on why we sexualize emotions and how to desexualize them , there are three great sexualizers Fear , shame and loss . I want to suggest that men attached to gay porn have experienced these three great sexualizers .

Speaker 1 23:21

In regards to men specifically , fear , shame and loss , fear of men , shame about myself as a man and a loss of male connection . Let's talk about what that looks like . First , fear of men . You may have heard the catchphrase what is exotic becomes erotic . What fascinates us is often the thing that we obsess over , and whatever we are afraid of can be very fascinating . I mean , just think about like being fascinated by dangerous wild animals , even from a young age , it's easy to be mesmerized looking at a shark behind a thick glass wall , of course , but there's a reason why Shark Week is so popular . What we're afraid of is also fascinating to us , and I think for many men attached to gay porn if not all men there is some feeling of fear in regards to other men . Feeling of fear in regards to other men . Let me talk a little bit about what that might look like . I've heard one man say that he was never touched by his father except when he was punished , when he was being beaten or spanked . And so those neural networks in his brain of fear and the touch of a man came wired together and fear and arousal are almost synonymous in the human brain . And I've talked about these three great sexualizers in other episodes , such as how to interpret sexual fantasies .

Speaker 1 25:05

But fear of men often leads to fascination with men , and I think that's true of almost anything we're afraid of . So why would the same not be true for men ? I think for other men . They grew up surrounded by women . Women are very familiar . Women are not fascinating , but men are . If you grew up feeling totally comfortable with girls and women and totally uncomfortable with other boys and men , that fear of men easily easily develop into a fascination with men , with men's bodies or being close to men being touched by a man . In other words , it can become a sexualized attachment For some men . There's also a negative association with women . We talked about this a little bit earlier . But if women or girls felt controlling or perhaps disgusting for one reason or another , then it would make sense that you might be more drawn to men .

Speaker 1 26:23

I want to see if this resonates with you guys . Okay , quite a few of you are saying I can relate big time to all three . All right , I think I'm on to something here . So while the experiences of abandonment and alienation and abuse are not unique to gay porn , perhaps these three great sexualizers are of fear of men , shame about myself as a man and loss of male connection . So let's talk about fear .

Speaker 1 26:51

Jacob says I only ever played with girls growing up . It felt safer and I got bullied for it . A number of you guys are relating and resonating with this . Tom says I had a controlling mom and an absent dad . Thomas says I used to fear the guys in high school who were super athletic and who would accuse me of being gay for not playing the popular sport , athletic and who would accuse me of being gay for not playing the popular sport ? So naturally there is a legitimate need . There is pain , there is often trauma underneath these deep-seated feelings that become sexualized . And again , as we talked about recently in the other episode on why we sexualize emotions , that's true for everyone .

Speaker 1 27:38

For men attached to gay porn it specifically manifests in this way . Chuck says I was taught by my parents that other boys were dangerous . I would get hurt if I played with those boys . Later the fear came from being physically exposed and potentially ridiculed . So yes , clearly men were dangerous . Could it be that pictures and images of men neutralize your fear of them ? Because here's a version of men that are not going to hurt you , at least not overtly , in gay porn . Makes sense , doesn't it Right ? They're behind a screen , they can't shame you , they can't mock you , they can't reject you , they can't touch you . So fear and a need for safety is oftentimes at the root of gay porn .

Speaker 1 28:24

The second great sexualizer is shame . We are so often obsessed with the particular qualities that we believe we lack . That's true for any type of sexualized attachment , and gay porn specifically is often representing whatever I feel like I'm not Think of the particular traits or details that you might latch onto in another man . Oftentimes , those are the exact traits that you feel shame about in yourself . If you're attracted to a man who's very assertive and maybe even aggressive , maybe you feel shame about your lack of assertiveness . If you're attracted to a man who's very strong , do you feel weak ?

Speaker 1 29:24

Personally , I've been very attracted to a mouse and teeth and a beautiful smile , and that's exactly the opposite of how I felt about my own smile . I remember even being six years old and never showing my teeth in a picture because I was so ashamed to have teeth that were falling out of my mouth at that age . And there's a whole other story behind that . How about you ? What is it in gay porn that grabs you and how does that relate to how you feel about yourself ? Richard says I was a chubby kid so I focused on skinny guys . Tom says I was attracted to confidence Probably the exact opposite of how you felt . Maybe you felt very self-conscious . That's one I hear a lot , a number of you guys saying I am attracted to the man who is everything I'm not . I want to challenge you on that . You are attracted to the man who is everything you believe you are not .

Speaker 1 30:27

I think one of the reasons why unwanted sexual attraction to other men can be so stubborn and persistent is because there is a part of you that is waiting for you to reclaim those qualities in yourself and to own them . It's not going to relax until you do . I talk about this in an episode called what If I'm Sexually Attracted to Myself ? What if you have every single quality that you seek in other men and you just don't know it yet ? Sometimes we need each other to help us see ourselves more clearly . Sometimes we need God to help us see ourselves more clearly and believe that we really are strong . We have the confidence , we have the assertiveness , we have the beauty and the goodness . We just don't realize it . We're out of touch with it . And when we feel most out of touch with it , that's when gay porn is most powerful . Really , that's when any type of porn is most powerful . But when you feel shame about yourself as a man , you are much more susceptible to seeking out a counterfeit version of it .

Speaker 1 31:36

Jerry says my father told me I was ugly when I was a little boy , so I hated every physical quality about me . I'm so sorry . I wonder how many of us can relate to that hating physical qualities that we then find ourselves magically attracted to . We find ourselves magnetically pulled toward whatever we don't see in ourselves . So in some ways , what you might think of as homosexual is , in fact , autosexual . It's not someone else you're looking for , it's you .

Speaker 1 32:17

Anthony says sometimes I don't feel manly enough . I feel attracted to men who seem to be more manly . I think the key word there is seem Men who seem to be more manly , oftentimes the guys who you might think of as the stereotype or the pinnacle of what it means to be a man . They don't often feel that way about themselves , which is why they have spent so much time working out or just being very , very particular about their appearance , maybe because they feel ugly or they feel weak , or they feel like that little boy . We all have inner children within us . We all have little boys who feel that way , and that's a huge part of why we need to heal the boy , because we feel this fear , shame and loss .

Speaker 1 33:08

Jacob asks did you , as a non-SSA man , also struggle with feeling not man enough , ugly , weak , etc . Yes , I totally did . I experienced a lot of shame and that shame became sexualized in a different direction . It didn't go towards men , it went towards braces Often teenage girls in braces , sometimes older women in braces . Feeling fear , shame and loss is not unique to one segment of the population . But sometimes men think , oh , I experience sexualized attraction to other men and I struggle with gay porn because I've had these experiences .

Healing Through Male Connection and Community

Speaker 1 33:54

Childhood experiences are not a cause , they are a contributor . They're a major contributor . But each of us have sexualized our childhood experiences in different ways . The loss of male connection is such a strong sexualizer For some of us . We used to have male connection and then we lost it . Some of us never had it at all , with a father , with brothers , with other boys , and that longing for connection is what God created us for . To have at least the slightest shred and symbol of male connection through gay porn , it's sometimes a way of settling for something close enough to the real thing . John says gay porn shows guys enjoying each other , super intimate and comfortable and confident with sex . Those are all good things , right Enjoying each other , being intimate , being comfortable with who you are . That does not have to be sexualized .

Speaker 1 35:01

Sometimes men think they need to have connection with other men who experience the same struggles and there can be value in resonating with somebody who's gone through a similar set of experiences . And also , this male connection does not need to be with a specific type of man . Guys who are outgrowing gay porn don't need to have connection with other guys who are outgrowing gay porn , need to have connection with other guys who are growing gay porn . In fact , I hear from many members of the Husband Material community that they find a special profound healing when they're able to connect with men who don't share their experience , because there's that deep need to belong , to be one of the guys . And as long as you are siloed into a group or a ministry specifically for same-sex attraction , you're not fully integrated into the brotherhood of men as a whole . That's one of the unique things about husband material is we are a place where you can connect with men who have all kinds of different sexual histories and experiences and backgrounds , of different sexual histories and experiences and backgrounds , and sometimes you might think , well , I need to be friends with this specific type of man . Not true . In fact , I hear of men experiencing male connection that is deeply satisfying at a spiritual soul level with their sons , with father figures . It doesn't have to be a specific age or type of man . So many of you guys are saying I agree , 100% awesome . Male connection means being integrated into community of men . That doesn't have to fit one particular category . Okay , we've answered the question . Why do I struggle with gay porn ?

Speaker 1 37:10

The three core sexualizers for men attached to gay porn are fear of men , shame about myself as a man and loss of male connection . So what does freedom look like ? Again , for the most part , freedom looks the same for men , whether they're dealing with gay porn or another type of porn , and it's the opposite of the three great sexualizers . The three great sexualizers are fear , shame and loss . And the three healing experiences are safety , glory and connection . And in the episode called how to Interpret Sexual Fantasies , I talk about how sexual fantasies symbolize moving from fear to safety , shame to glory and loss to connection . And for men who are outgrowing gay porn , it is the safety to be vulnerable with other men , glory in who you are as a man and connection with other men . That is what freedom looks like . Experiencing those things . Freedom is not the absence of sexual feelings or attraction to other men . Freedom is the ability to process those feelings so that they don't have power over you . Freedom is not some kind of guarantee that you will never act out again . Freedom is the ever increasing knowledge and skill and quality of character that allows you to not need porn anymore . Freedom from gay porn means that you don't need it anymore and you are finding ways to meet those needs that you can feel proud of . They're satisfying and deeply meaningful to you , with God , with other men and within yourself . Let's talk about those three healing experiences .

Speaker 1 39:05

The safety to be vulnerable . Oh my word , there are not many spaces where men feel safe to talk about gay porn . It is so taboo to talk about gay porn . It is so taboo , it is so stigmatized , and I think it makes a lot of sense that many of us have felt unsafe , like I can't be vulnerable , I can't talk about this and especially to talk about the details of what arouses me . Certainly don't want to accidentally drift back into a relapse , but there are ways to deal with our deep-seated sexualized attachments that can be safe , and part of that safety means wisely discerning the appropriate context to share about these things and whether or not the people you're sharing with can really hold that space . For you .

Speaker 1 40:06

The husband material community is becoming a safe place . My job is not to try to micromanage and control these guys , but we do take safety very seriously Because we know how important it is for you to have a place where you can just be totally honest , authentic and real and be loved and accepted exactly as you are . That's healing . When you experience that you find that the things that you feel most disqualify you don't disqualify you from being loved . You find that what you believe cuts you off from others can actually connect you with others , whether they struggle with gay porn or not . Those are the kinds of spaces we're creating at Husband Material so that you can experience safety and glory in who you are as a man . That's part of why I end every episode of Husband Material saying you are God's beloved son . In you . He is well pleased . There is a goodness , beauty and strength within you because you are created in the image of God within you . Because you are created in the image of God as you experience that truth , gay porn has less power because you already have the things that you were tempted to search for .

Seeking Freedom From Gay Porn

Speaker 1 41:42

Isn't that awesome For me ?

Speaker 1 41:42

Even just recording this episode is me embracing my glory as a man to be able to talk about this , to talk about this vulnerable , difficult , sticky subject and to say you know what ? I've learned a lot about this and I'm going to own it . I'm not going to downplay who I am or how I've grown . I am going to speak even though I feel fear , even though part of me feels inadequate to talk about this Frankly . I've been waiting and somewhat avoiding this topic for three years because I haven't felt fully confident . One of the lies I was believing was I can't talk about this because I've never watched skateboard . I'm shedding that shame and stepping into my glory . So for me , even just doing this episode is an example of owning my strength , and I want to encourage you to do that in ways that are unique to you .

Speaker 1 42:41

Whatever you love , whatever lights you up , however God created you that is so intricately integral to who you are , embrace it , own it , pursue it , even if it doesn't fit the stereotypical norm of masculinity , even if it's not the sports or the silly stuff that we think of as manly . If you enjoy arranging flowers , own it . If you're an excellent cook or baker , own it . If you really love choosing color schemes like that's lovely . That's part of how God made you as a man . You have to learn your unique version of masculinity and step into it . The more you do that , the easier it will be and the less you will need some symbolic version of masculinity to pacify you . When porn has nothing to pacify , it loses its power .

Speaker 1 43:49

Jacob says what I am seeking in the men in porn is actually to be found in myself . Jacob says I am a man , I can be everything I am projecting onto other men . Yes , yes and yes . That's a big part of what healing looks like your glory and I'm not talking about narcissism . I'm not talking about becoming obsessed with yourself . I'm talking about becoming at peace with yourself , being content in who you are , confident in who you are , and you can be confident and kind at the same time . So many men view their sensitivity as a weakness , when in fact it's actually your strength , it's part of your glory . I could do a whole episode on that . You know what I probably will . However , owning your glory is still just one ingredient of healing . Glory is still just one ingredient of healing .

Speaker 1 44:45

The last healing experience for men attached to gay porn is connection with other men that is authentic , that is emotionally vulnerable , meaningful , even embodied . I think embodied brotherhood is irreplaceable . The opposite of addiction is not sobriety , it's connection . As the famous Ted talk by Johan Hari said , real connection with other men might feel impossible . Keith is saying it's the most difficult part for me . How do you do this if you struggle with building relationships ? Learning relational skills like attunement , empathy , curiosity and compassion , navigating conflict are things that we teach at Husband Material that can help you show up more fully in friendships and relationships and go deeper . In fact , we have a resource to help you develop deeper friendships with other men , called man Cards , which you can get at getyourmancardscom . These questions range from low vulnerability to high vulnerability and they allow you to talk about really important stuff with other guys and have a voice and a choice about how deep you go . This card deck has proven to be powerful and if you want some training wheels on finding connection with other men , get a deck of man cards , get Getyourmancardscom .

Speaker 1 46:20

Keith says if I'm wanting connection , why not binge on photos or videos of guys playing together , basketball , eating together , studying together ? Why does it go to seeking photos of nude guys and of guys having sex ? You know basketball and studying is not very vulnerable . Nudity is vulnerable and especially if you feel like connection is impossible or always a struggle , then maybe it's that vulnerability that's missing from your life , because in order to really feel connected , we have to be vulnerable , and so maybe that nudity symbolizes vulnerability with other men . I want to add that connecting with other men is a risk . It is a redemptive risk , and whenever you open yourself to the possibility of healing , you also open yourself up to the possibility of being hurt again and being re-traumatized again Just part of why safety is so important , and these three ingredients safety , glory and connection are a really good recipe for recovery for anyone .

Speaker 1 47:27

And we're talking about specifically what that looks like when you're outgrowing gay porn . What does freedom from gay porn look like for you ? Eh says freedom from gay porn for me looks like not sexualizing men and pursuing a wife I can love without secrets Awesome . J says freedom from gay porn looks like godly confidence in who I am as a man , holding my sense of belonging among men and believing a woman would desire me as a romantic partner . Amen , brother , it's so , so good . Charles says freedom looks like actual intimacy with other men and women , and I think that's really important too .

Speaker 1 48:06

No matter what type of porn you struggle with , finding connection with women is important too . Michael says safe connection with other men has been an important part of my recovery , but very intimidating at first due to my same-sex attraction . Michael says , in addition to what others have said , freedom from gay porn means having healthy ways of dealing with stress and pain in my life today instead of gay porn . Well said , chuck says . When I first came to recovery , freedom from gay porn meant never again looking at these images . Then it became wishing . I had no desire to look at these .

Speaker 1 48:39

Sometimes we can become overly dependent on other men , which is why another dimension of freedom is finding our desires for safety , glory and connection with God , with Jesus , the true man who we were created to love and be loved by , and safety and glory and connection within ourselves . That's a lot of what we do with inner child work and internal family systems . At Husband Material . You are learning how to become the man that your inner child truly needs . Julio says freedom from gay porn is reclaiming the strength and assertiveness that I don't believe I have , owning it so I can relate authentically . Man , that's so good . You guys are on fire with these comments . Josh says it's amazing how , when I connect with other men in a non-sexual way , my sexual attraction sometimes becomes less or goes away completely . You might find that , as you meet the legitimate needs underneath the sexual impulses , that you experience a big shift , and I talk a lot about what that can look like in an episode called how my Sexual Fetish Shifted Over Time .

Speaker 1 50:09

Drew says freedom from gay porn means looking at men the way Jesus does , with admiration and delight and respect and joy and delight and respect and joy . Not taking from them to fill up a perceived lack . That is so critical . He didn't say it means never looking at men . He says it means looking at men the way Jesus does , with kindness , appreciation , and that's very different from resisting urges . It's very different from trying to avoid or ignore my attractions . I find this to be so true for my sexual fetish too . My sexual fetish has focused on braces and part of my more recent healing work has been to just thank God for the goodness of dental care . That might sound really weird to you , but to me it is a wild breakthrough and I think some of you need to have that same breakthrough for men . And just thank God for men . Just appreciate the goodness of what he created .

Speaker 1 51:15

Lust is different than just noticing that someone's attractive . That's not lust . Lust is a posture of taking and using , whereas love is a posture of giving and receiving . So truly giving and receiving real love is what we are moving into , not just trying to get rid of lust . Joseph says freedom means knowing who I am , what I want and faithfully pursuing these things . Ed says freedom means not supporting a toxic industry . Yeah , it can be helpful to recognize the humanity of the people on the other side of the screen in gay porn .

Speaker 1 51:55

Jason says freedom from gay porn means seeking Jesus for my deep healing . Andrew says freedom for me is no longer believing the lies I've grown up with and realigning my identity that I'm worthy , manly and enough . These are some snapshots of what freedom can look like . Some snapshots of what freedom can look like . How do you get that freedom ? How is it possible to stop using gay porn ? So many men feel exhausted from years of trying so hard to be free from gay porn . So I want to answer this question with sensitivity and compassion , because if you're asking this question how can I stop using gay porn You've probably been asking that question for a long time . I chose the word exhausted because I know that this is a long journey .

Speaker 1 52:48

Some other words might be feeling hopeless about freedom from gay porn , feeling powerless . Why ? Ed says continuous defeat . Eh says it feels like no matter how hard I try to experience lasting freedom , I fall back into the barrel , tamim says because I can't seem to resist the pull . I'm disciplined in other areas , but this area is always there .

Speaker 1 53:17

If you're on the journey of outgrowing gay porn , I want to encourage you . The fact that you are listening to this tells me that you still have not completely given up hope . You are still open to learning something new . You have the courage to keep going , because the truth is you haven't tried everything . None of us has tried everything , and you are not powerless . I know the 12 steps start with admitting that you are powerless , but the truth is you're not . You are powerful and , as I've said tonight , part of healing means owning that you are powerful , that you do have a choice . You are not doomed or hopeless . A few years ago , I did an episode called the Exact Path to Freedom from Porn and I want to share it now again because I think it's still true .

Speaker 1 54:19

The exact path to freedom from porn requires passion , people and a program . You have a passion , or else you wouldn't be here , but many of us need to come to a place where I am committed to doing whatever it takes to remove porn from my life , even if it means giving up devices , privileges , time , money , energy , relationships . Need to come to a point where this is so important that you're ready to really take it more seriously than anything else . And then finding people , finding people who get it , who are on the same journey , and then , lastly , a program , not just a book or a course or counseling or a group . I mean , all those things can be helpful , but this is much , much bigger than just trying one thing and hoping that it's the magic solution that will deliver me from this forever . You may have tried many programs in the past . Maybe you gained some traction for a while and then , when it was done , you went back to the same old patterns . My hope is that you would find a program which allows you to experience safety , to be vulnerable with other men , glory in who you are as a man and deep , meaningful connection with other men .

Speaker 1 56:02

And we have a program just like that here at Husband Material called Husband Material Academy . It is opening up in July . We open it up twice a year . We're about to reopen it and when we launch it , we're doing something new . We're opening it up to all members of our community . On Saturday , july 13th , we will be hosting HMA in a day , a free , all day online workshop taking you through husband material Academy in one day . It's going to be awesome at HMA in a day . I will teach a condensed version of the entire course helping you understand unwanted sexual attractions , experience healing at a very deep level , growing in curiosity , compassion , courage and getting a taste of the professional support that you might need to succeed . We're going to have our whole team of coaches involved doing live demonstrations of how we help men get free from porn , and a couple of those demonstrations are specifically going to be working with sexualized same-sex attraction and gay porn . It's going to be amazing . Mark your calendars for July 13th . It's free 13th . It's free . That weekend we will be launching HMA again and this is the best time to jump in to the program . If you've got the passion and you're resonating with the people who are in our community , I want to encourage you to think about joining the program when we start again in July and , in any case , come to HMA in a day , saturday , july 13th . We've never done anything like this and I'm super excited .

Speaker 1 57:57

Here is a summary of what I've shared tonight . Men who are attached to gay porn often feel abnormal , and those who are pursuing freedom often feel exhausted , powerless and hopeless . Why do we struggle with K-Porn ? It's a sexualized fear of men , shame about ourselves as men and loss of connection with other men . Freedom looks like safety , glory and connection . How do you experience those things ? Well , it requires a passion to really pursue this . It requires people with whom you can take this journey and a comprehensive program HMA could be that program for you .

Finding Lasting Freedom From Gay Porn

Speaker 1 58:45

Jacob says Drew , do you have any success stories you could share of clients who have gained lasting freedom from gay porn ? I just received a message today from a member of our community who says I'm praying for your session today on freedom from gay porn . You sit with so many men who experienced these struggles and what you learn helps inform your work . Thank you for addressing such an important topic . Now listen to this next part . He says I will soon be celebrating a decade from watching gay porn .

Speaker 1 59:15

Even greater than just the absence of watching husband material has been so meaningful in helping me find the deeper healing I needed . That's what this is all about the deeper healing . There are many different tactics and techniques for short-term success and freedom from gay porn , but for long-term , lasting , satisfying success to the point that you just don't need it anymore deeper healing is needed , and that's why we focus on healing the boy at Husband Material . Whether you have experienced significant freedom from gay porn or you are still actively struggling with it , I want to speak to you . You are God's beloved son and in you he is well-pleased , not disappointed , not distant . He is overjoyed , thrilled beside himself because of you , because he loves you so much , because he delights in who you are , because every part of you bears his image and we are continuing to discover more of God in every part of us , including our sexuality . Always remember you are God's beloved son and in you he is well pleased .