Speaker 1: 0:31

Welcome to the Husband Material podcast, where we help Christian men outgrow porn. Why? So you can change your brain, heal your heart and save your relationship. My name is Drew Boa and I'm here to show you how let's go. I am so excited to announce my brand new course, heal your Trauma Resolving the Roots of Porn and Sex Addiction, which you can access for free at healyourtraumacom.

Speaker 1: 1:01

Today's episode is a preview of that course, one of the 14 lessons which you will get, featuring Matt Wenger, my friend and the clinical director at Boulder Recovery. Matt and I created this course together and we are giving it away for free, and this episode is one of my favorite parts of the course, where Matt is answering the question what is God doing in my trauma? Because, as Christian men, in order to heal, we need to have a theology of trauma. As we begin to understand our trauma, as we begin to understand our childhood, oftentimes we ask the question why and God, what are you doing? Matt provides such a beautiful, powerful answer in this episode and I hope you enjoy it, matt. We've talked about so many approaches to healing trauma and there are so many others out there that we haven't talked about. For now, we wanted to end this series asking a simple question what is God doing in our trauma?

Speaker 2: 1:58

It's such an important question, let me say at the start that as Christian men they're on this journey of recovery we have to have a theology of trauma. We have to. And where our churches are not helping us develop that, where our leaders are not, we should approach them in humility and kindness and saying what does God have to say? What do the scriptures have to say about trauma? What do they have to say about mental health? What do they have to say about these hard and painful things that people are experiencing, that I'm experiencing and help coach our church as men in recovery. This is our mission. This is our mission, this is our ambassadorship to back to the church and say let's dive into this together and develop this theology of trauma and what is God doing in and through these things?

Speaker 2: 2:58

And for me, there's two ways in which that I look at it, and this comes from the work of a man named James Finley, and James Finley was a psychotherapist and he was also a monk at one period of his life.

Speaker 2: 3:17

And James Finley's story was one he grew up in an alcoholic, abusive home where his father was very dangerous emotionally and physically, and to escape out of that environment to the monastery where he felt like he was going to be in the presence of God and he could heal and experience that relationship with God that could bring healing to his trauma.

Speaker 2: 3:43

But what he experienced in the monastery was sexual abuse by one of the elders within that community, and so he leaves a traumatizing environment at home, tries to find safety in that community, is sexually abused in that community, runs out of the monastery back into the world, hating the church, rebelling against God, all of these things, and ultimately finding his way back to his faith and becoming a psychotherapist and walking people through their healing journey from trauma. James Finley, who has been very formative in my life and helping me understand from his personal experience and connecting to mine, like what is God up to in these things? And the first element of it is that the meaning ground between us and God is our painful experiences, is our emotions that arise within those experiences and in others. Right, I have to first understand that God doesn't want to just meet me and joy, meet me in happiness, meet me in success and victory, but that God wants to meet me in failure.

Speaker 1: 5:00

I want to pause because that already sounds so radical compared to a lot of the happy worship songs we sing every Sunday in church.

Speaker 2: 5:09

Yeah, yeah Well, I think there's this positivity that has entered into pop culture, christianity. It's masquerading as spirituality and positivity is not a piety. Positivity is not spirituality. Positivity is a choice that I make to view some event through a certain lens. That does not mean that that is what happened. That does not mean that it is authentic what has occurred.

Speaker 2: 5:39

And there's a real danger in positivity that it removes me from the reality of the hurt and pain in my life and it removes me from the reality of the hurt and pain in other people's lives. It makes me really bad at empathy but really good at painting little silver linings on other people's stuff. Your child died by suicide. Well, at least you have other children that God has blessed you. That's positivity, right? Toxic positivity. Right, exactly right. And if we don't have a theology of trauma, then we're going to say stupid stuff to people, we're going to fumble empathy and we are going to be disconnected from ourself. We're going to be disconnected from God. We're going to be disconnected from others because we don't think that God exists in our hurt, in our pain, that God is not present in our failures and in our shame and in our hardships. But if you take an objective. Look at the scriptures, you will see that where God meets his people again and again and again and again and again is in their failures and in their hurt and their sadness and their anger, and in failure. And the pinnacle of God's intervention into the world and God's interaction with his creation, the pinnacle of that is suffering. The pinnacle of God's invasion into our world is suffering and death and injustice. That was the moment in which God changed everything. That is, the hinge on which our reality turns is a moment of pain and suffering, and that God was intimately in that and using that and to examine our trauma through the lens of the cross is so important. That God is not absent in my hurt and pain, but that he is doing something in my hurt and pain that is both relational drawing me to himself and is also revelation that he's teaching me something about himself.

Speaker 2: 7:52

Drew, think about the cross. What would we miss about who God is if he didn't do it that way? So weird, right, some way that we would never have made up on our own that Jesus would come, that God would come and that he would die? Right, that he would take on our stuff and he would die? Like who would make that up right? The death of God for the life of humanity? Who would invent that? It's so bizarre.

Speaker 2: 8:20

But what would we miss about the character and the person of God if he didn't do it that way? We would miss his compassion, we would miss his identification, we would miss his sacrificial love, his unending chasing us down, love that would overcome anything in our world, any hurt, any pain, any barrier to get to us to be in that relationship with us. And what the cross says is that I will overcome every barrier of sin and death and that nothing what Paul says in Romans right, that nothing in all of the world can separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus. So that the cross is informing our understanding of trauma.

Speaker 2: 9:10

What that means is that within my trauma, that God is doing something, both revelational and relational.

Speaker 2: 9:18

He's both teaching me something about himself and he is drawing me closer to him in a way when she might not otherwise do outside of that hurt and pain.

Speaker 2: 9:30

So I first have to understand that God is up to something in me and I do not want to trivialize or treat flippantly horrible and awful things that people have experienced in this world. But we also understand that healing is not a journey away from my trauma. It's actually a journey back to the places of deepest hurt and pain in my life. That I can encounter those moments of the deepest, most destructive, most disintegrating moments of trauma in my life and realize, in the presence of God, my identity is invincible, those things did not destroy me and that, in and through those things that are so distressing to me, that God's peace is present, that he had brought me through, I was not annihilated because my identity is invincible as a son of God, as a daughter of God, that there is no amount of hurt and pain that can destroy me in my relationship and connection with who he is. That is one element of the meaning of trauma.

Speaker 1: 10:51

It's amazing. It sounds to me like our trauma gives us a very unique way of identifying with Jesus and his death and his suffering 100%, which is a perfect segue into the second part of the meaning of trauma.

Speaker 2: 11:13

All throughout the New Testament, and even in the ministry of Jesus, we are taught about what it means to be a Christian, and that being identification with Christ. If you are going to follow me, pick up the cross and follow me. If you're going to know Jesus, you're baptized into the death of Christ and into His resurrection. Over and over again we are called to identify with Christ in His death, in His life and in His resurrection. And when we look at trauma, what we see there is the glorification of Jesus in our life. I know that's really hard to believe, but that trauma can be, the experience of trauma can be the glorification of Jesus in our life, as we are called to identify with Him in His life, in His death, in His resurrection. Look where that shows up In the rising of the sun, in its waning and in the setting. At the end of the day, life, death, resurrection. The planting of a seed or the falling of a seed from a tree, life, death and resurrection into a new plant, into the seasons life, death and resurrection in the spring, in the summer and the death of plants in the wintertime and new life. Right, everywhere around us the glory of the life, death and resurrection of Jesus is on display. And guess what? It's on display in your life too, that there are periods of your life that are just that, that are life that I'm enjoying, that I'm receiving the grace of being a human on this planet, enjoying my relationships and enjoying food and enjoying sex, and enjoying these things in healthy ways. Right that life. But then there is death, and I identify with Jesus in His death as well.

Speaker 2: 13:14

In trauma, in hurt, in grief, in betrayal, in sin come in and death is present in one, and out of that death God brings resurrection, healing through therapy or prayer or trauma treatment or different things that we've been talking about in this course, that we are really on a loop of traveling around the life, death and resurrection of Jesus, identifying with the life, death and resurrection of Jesus and understanding our trauma within that lens of life, death and resurrection. And in that way, and as we see trauma through that lens, I am comforted in knowing that I will be brought through it and I understand, as Ephesians says, that the mission of God in the world is to bring all things underneath Christ. The mission of God in the world is to glorify Christ in His life, death and resurrection forever and ever. Amen, right In revelation. And so when I look at life that way, all I'm doing is experiencing this life that is a grace, and making loops around the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ and identifying with that and saying you know what? I'm not going to deny my trauma, I'm not going to deny the place of death in my life because there's a resurrection coming that isn't totally possible without experiencing that death.

Speaker 2: 14:56

A mutual friend of ours, jake Porter, he says when it comes to relationships, he says that rupture is required for a repair and that the repair of a relationship with children and their caregivers is ultimately better than if there had been no rupture at all. Right, because of the reestablishment of safety and comfort and care. It is better than if there was never an eruption at all.

Speaker 1: 15:24

And that's something that we sometimes hear from couples who have restored a marriage. They sometimes find that their relationship is stronger after the discovery and the disclosure and the healing process than it was before.

Speaker 2: 15:46

Right and I know that may sound flippant to those of us who have experienced heart-rending, body-rending trauma to say that God is doing something that is going to be better than if you had never experienced that at all. But part of us says, okay, matt has to give up the ability to understand and to make sense of it. I can't say God can only do things in my life that make sense to me, that meet my standard of justice or logic, and that anything that doesn't pass Matt's standard God cannot do. Well, no, I have to get rid of that. I have to allow God to do things in my life or open myself up to experiencing what God is doing in my life that is beyond what it is that might make sense to me. And one of those things is understanding that the avenue and the path of healing goes right through the center of our trauma, not around it, but right through the middle of it. What's in the middle of it? Like I said, it's our invincible identity as a son and daughter of God.

Speaker 1: 17:09

I love that so much. I love that word invincible.

Speaker 2: 17:12

Well, it is. I mean, in anyone who's experienced any kind of healing in their trauma my life and your life, true knows this to be true. But for those on the front end of their experience of recovery and healing from trauma, they're saying there's no way that can be true.

Speaker 1: 17:32

So, matt, what does this mean for us practically?

Speaker 2: 17:38

Well, this means that God is not absent in my trauma. God did not abandon me from my trauma. That means I'm not alone to deal with my trauma, but that he was there with me. He is still there with me and he will be there with me and he is telling a story through that hurt and pain that, just like life, death and resurrection, there's a resurrection coming. That is not a loop. That resurrection will continue forever and ever and justice will be done and healing will happen. And that is hope and that is balm for despair in the hard times.

Speaker 2: 18:19

Guys ask me all the time. They say, how come this guy was saved from his addiction and he's sober and he hasn't acted out in years? And I'm doing the same things that he is doing and I'm not experiencing sobriety and I'm not experiencing recovery. I say, brother, recovery from sex addiction is a matter of time. You do your work. You do the healing work that you need to do for yourself and your family, but understand that sex addiction will be healed Within the lifespan of this person. He experienced it at age 55, but you're going to die and you're going to experience it too. My prayer for every person who watches this video and for every person that is struggling with sex issues. They would find healing and sobriety in this life, but know that, as a son of God and as a daughter of God, that sexual healing is only a matter of time.

Speaker 1: 19:18

In the end, we will be healed, whether we like it or not.

Speaker 2: 19:21

Yes, I imagine that we like it.

Speaker 1: 19:27

Yeah, yeah. There's so much reassurance and hope in the reality that God is making all things new. There will come a day when it will be impossible to sin, when it will be impossible to reenact our trauma, impossible to sexually act out. In the meantime, our healing and our freedom is growing into that life, death and resurrection.

Speaker 2: 19:53

Yes, and trauma is not a speed bump in that process, and I say this with all seriousness and humility and taking into account the hundreds and hundreds of horrifying stories of trauma and many more that exist across this planet that are even happening right now, as I say this, that trauma is not a speed bump in that process. It is the meeting ground between us and God, both in the cross and in our lives individually, that God is bringing us ever closer to himself. God's mission and trauma is to not eliminate all hurt and pain, but to close the gap between him and his people, and that is hope in a traumatized world.

Speaker 1: 20:45

Amen. This video was just a taste of the course that you will find at healyourtraumacom, with 14 lessons, about four and a half hours of videos, just like this, as well as a 34 page PDF which is worth reading and has some great charts and graphs in there, all helping you heal. We believe that everyone struggling with porn deserves accessible support, and this heal your trauma course is one way that we're doing that. I hope that you will take the course, go to healyourtraumacom and always remember you are God's beloved Son and you, he is well pleased.