Overcoming Shame for Christian Men

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Welcome to the Husband Material podcast , where we help Christian men outgrow porn . Why ? So you can change your brain , heal your heart and save your relationship . My name is Drew Boa and I'm here to show you how let's go . Today , we are talking about shaming yourself or , as I like to say , shoulding all over yourself .

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One of my favorite sayings in the world is don't should all over yourself . But why ? I asked the husband material community , what does shame say to you ? And men said things like whatever you do , it will never be good enough . You're a failure . You're not wanted . You don't deserve to be loved . You are so gross you can't be forgiven . You're worthless . You're a disgrace . You'll never be enough . You're weak . If people knew who you really are , they would all walk away . You'll never get it right . You're defective . You're inferior . You will be judged and rejected . So run and hide . God is disappointed with you . You will never be free . Which of those messages resonate with you ? Which of those messages are you most likely to agree with ?

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Yes , sometimes others shame us , but in my experience , men outgrowing porn are the most harsh and critical with ourselves . We are our own worst critic , and today I want to give you some ammunition against the lies of shame , because shaming yourself is ineffective , stressful , exhausting , isolating , addicting , unoriginal , self-absorbed , ignorant , oppressive , temporary and not as powerful as the shame antidote , which I'm going to reveal at the end of the episode . So if you want to hear what is more powerful than shame and what you can do instead of shaming yourself , stay with me until the end . Okay , are you ready for my top 12 reasons to stop shaming yourself ? Number one shaming yourself is ineffective . Shame can be useful as an indicator of where we need more healing and where there has been a rupture or a disconnection in a relationship that needs to be reconnected . And shame can actually be a really powerful motivator of like . If you feel like you're not good enough at something , that might motivate you to get really , really , really good at it . But the problem is , no matter how much you succeed , you will still feel like a failure because shame is driving that performance . And so , although shame can motivate us , ultimately it's ineffective , it's not helpful and , because it doesn't make us feel better , it is stressful .

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Shaming yourself intensifies the need to self soothe , and so it reinforces that cycle of going back to porn and unwanted sexual behavior . There is a binge purge cycle which looks like this First I binge and I consume as much content as I need to get my sexual feelings satisfied , seemingly , and then I will purge and I will say I'm never doing this again . I need to get rid of absolutely everything . Patrick Karn's actually called it sexual bulimia , which is a very graphic image , but I mean that's what many of us have done consuming and consuming sexual content only to try to get rid of it and condemning ourselves . And this is not only stressful , it's also exhausting .

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Shaming yourself is endless because there's always more to criticize and condemn . No matter how well you're doing , no matter how much you've grown , it's always incomplete . We are imperfect , and so shaming yourself really is exhausting . It's also isolating . I mean , when you're shaming yourself , do you really want to go out and connect with people ? Probably not . You probably feel more drawn to hiding , lying , pretending like everything's okay and maybe even deceiving yourself . I mean , when we are really , really , really ashamed of something , we might even block it out and forget as a way of trying to separate from that shame . But it doesn't work .

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And here's a really interesting fact I learned from Dr Jake Porter at last year's Porn Free man Conference Shaming yourself can actually be addicting in the sense that if I sexually act out and I have this script in my head that I'm a failure , this experience can confirm that script and the bias confirmation actually leads to a dopamine rush . So it's not only the sexually acting out that's giving me a hit of dopamine and rewarding me . The very condemnation itself can be rewarding , like oh , I knew it , I was right all along , I really never will change , I really can't get over this . And that confirmation creates a chemical reaction in your brain which is experienced as pleasure . Isn't that crazy . I thought that was wild . It's not just the sexual behavior we have a bond to . It's actually the shame itself . Crazy . Here's one of my favorite reasons to stop shaming yourself .

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Shaming yourself is unoriginal , it's boring , it's been done before and , specifically , it is probably just repeating what others have said to you . When I am shitting all over myself like I should be making more money , I should be more successful or whatever , I am just repeating what I internalized about myself when I was a kid , based on what others were telling me and based on what I was seeing from others . It's really easy for us to forget some of the positive comments we receive , but some of the most critical , condemning comments that we receive can stick with us for years or decades . I can still remember when I was in middle school , some of the things other boys said to me . Like you're so gay , you should go kill yourself . People said these things to me . One boy said I bet no girls like you . Ugh , that one just stuck with me forever . And when I say those things to myself or I agree with the feeling of shame that tells that to me I am simply parroting what somebody else said . So in that way , shame is unoriginal , it's uncreative . So the next time those lies and shame messages run through your head , you can remember that's unoriginal , that's old . That's not me necessarily . That could be coming from my dad . That could be coming from the bullies at school . That could be coming from voices who don't have the authority or the influence or the right to talk to me anymore .

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We've gone through many reasons to stop shaming yourself . This next one is more confrontational , more challenging , more in your face . So I hope you are open to receiving the truth that shaming yourself is also self-absorbed . As long as you are focused on how horrible you are and how unworthy you are , you are not able to focus on others and what others need and how you can be a blessing and how you can get outside of yourself . So if I'm shaming myself for being selfish , I'm actually just still being selfish by focusing on my shame . Now that's different from self-care and from receiving the love and support that I need to get over the shame . That's different . What I'm saying is , when I am wallowing in condemnation , I'm so inwardly focused that I'm unaware of the rest of the world . So if I make a really bad decision and then I spend the next few hours shaming myself because of it , I'm not only not helping me , I'm not helping anyone else . So shaming yourself is self-absorbed and shaming yourself is ignorant . Let me explain what I mean .

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If you find yourself judging someone and then you hear that person's story and you find out what led up to whatever it is that you're judging them for , it's so much easier to feel a sense of love and care and compassion and to relate to this other person with kindness . When you see the story behind whatever it is that you are ashamed of about yourself , it's a breakthrough . And if you could understand yourself perfectly , if you could know yourself as God knows you and see every little contributor to what has led to your choices and to the qualities and the conditions of your life . If you could actually fully see it all , man , your heart would break , it would open up . And in this life we just get a glimpse . We just get a glimpse . We don't understand everything , Maybe we never will , but the more we learn about ourselves and about others and what is behind the things that we feel and the things that we've done , it has a softening effect . It has a melting effect on our harshness and our criticism . I just have the chills saying that . I feel a sense of warmth lighting up in my heart as I think about how God must see us , because he knows us fully and he loves us perfectly and you know what we're going to get to this later . But if he knows everything about you and he doesn't shame you , maybe you can stop shaming yourself .

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In the Gospel , jesus takes away our sin and gives us His grace . He liberates us from the prison of shame , because here's one more reason to stop shaming yourself . Shame is oppressive . Shame says if only I'm a failure , I'm not worthy . If only I was different , if only my life was different . If only I didn't make those choices . If only that person didn't do things to me . There are so many if-on-lays that come with shame .

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Grace doesn't say if only . Grace says even if Grace exchanges the slavery of if-only for the freedom of even if , even if everything goes wrong , even if it doesn't get better , even if my life doesn't change , even if I don't change , even if I fail , even if I hurt the people I love the most , I am still enough , I am still loved , I am still God's beloved Son and he is well pleased with me , even if anything . That is the freedom of grace instead of the slavery of shame . So I hope that gives you a little bit of a reframe . Instead of saying , oh , if only I look different , if only I could be different , if only I was further along on this journey by now , you could say even if it takes me way longer than I expected , and even if I continue to make mistakes , I'm not giving up , I'm not a lost cause .

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You can fill in the blanks of that sentence to work for you and in the end , shame is temporary . You can stop shaming yourself because one day there will be no shame and there will be no shame for eternity . So let's start getting used to it forever . When we are living fully connected to God and ourselves and each other , there will be no place for shame . And right now we are just starting to shed the shame , so let's keep shedding it . I mean , we're gonna get rid of it anyway , so why not sooner , then later ? Shame is temporary . Grace is eternal . And here's the second to last reason To stop shaming yourself .

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Grace is more powerful than shame . Dr Martin Luther King Jr is famous for saying darkness cannot drive out darkness . Only light can do that . Hate cannot drive out hate . Only love can do that . And I would add shame cannot drive out shame . Only grace can do that . As much as we might be tempted to shame ourselves or to condemn others in the middle of our brokenness and our unwanted sexual behavior , grace is always so much more powerful .

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I have experienced this over and over again in my life . One of the most recent powerful shame-breaking moments was in an IFS counseling session where I was spending some time with my inner critic . This part of me was saying Drew , in this difficult situation coming up , whatever you do , no matter how well you do , you are still going to fail and you are going to get an F . In my imagination . My inner critic was holding a red pen and filling up every paper with lots of red marks and pointing out everything that's wrong , holding a clipboard and making a list of everything I'm doing wrong , and there was always , always a huge list . This part of me was trying to help but it was not working . I wonder if you can relate to that . Do you have a part of you that is constantly criticizing you and giving you grades and giving you a fail and pointing out every flaw , every mistake , every problem with what you're doing ? That's my inner critic in this moment . And in that counseling session we invited Jesus to come near . And do you know what happened ? As soon as Jesus showed up , my inner critic dropped the clipboard and Jesus said there are no grades with me . My last reason to stop shaming yourself is this there are no grades with Jesus . He is not ashamed of you Period .

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In Hebrews 12 it says for the joy set before him , he endured the cross , scorning the shame . Other translations say despising the shame , disregarding the shame . When Jesus endured his suffering on the cross , he shared in our shame so that we can share in his joy . What was the joy set before him ? What was his motivation for dying and rising from the dead . What did he lack that he gained through all of that Us , you and me . We are his joy , we are his delight , we are the reason why he has done everything to get us back . Nothing , no shame , no condemnation , no sin , no evil , no sexual addiction can separate us from his love . Jesus has not only taken away our failure . He has also given us his righteousness , his record , his grade , so that we don't have to worry anymore about how good we are or whether or not we measure up .

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And as a result of that experience , my inner critic became my inner observer . Instead of holding a red pen , my inner observer now holds a little pointer that points things out without judgment , without shame , just with greater self-awareness . And when I do feel shame , it's an opportunity to heal . Now , that is a more powerful approach . There you have it 12 reasons to stop shaming yourself because it is ineffective , stressful , exhausting , isolating , addicted , unoriginal , self-absorbed , ignorant , oppressive , temporary . And because grace is more powerful than shame and God is not ashamed of you . Now , what can you do ? Instead of shaming yourself ? Please come to the Porn Free man Conference .

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This is the anti-shame event of the year . As I've been going through all of the presentations and all of the great exercises and experiences that we're gonna have together on January 5th and 6th . Every single one is anti-shame . It's specifically addressing shame from five different angles . The first session , on outgrowing porn versus purity culture , is going to demonstrate the anti-shame approach . You're gonna learn , okay , what does it look like to take the shaming approach and the anti-shaming approach in dealing with a relapse , feeling triggered to sexually act out , sharing with your group , telling your story , celebrating your successes and your growth . We're gonna look at each of those scenarios and give you a taste of the grace approach , the love and acceptance and kindness approach . And it's not enough to just talk about it , you have to experience it . So that's our first session , which I'm gonna lead with a few surprise guests , and then our second

Overcoming Shame and Finding Healing

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session .

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Chris Bruno is gonna take us into our stories . Remember what I said about how , in our stories , when we learn why we made certain choices or what was behind the things that we're ashamed of , it melts us , it changes us . That's what Chris is gonna help us do getting into the story behind our porn and coming into a posture of blessing rather than cursing . In session three , carol Sheets is going to teach us how to help our partners heal without going into shame , because men who are married often feel extra shame about how their sexual choices have impacted their wives , and so we need to be able to overcome that in order to connect with them and help them heal . Then , in session four , nate Larkin is going to be going directly into some of our places of deepest shame , talking about how do we deal with a relapse , understanding what's happening in our brains , changing the way that we respond so that we can bounce back with grace rather than shame . And then , lastly , dr Peter Malinowski is going to lead us in an IFS approach to working with our parts .

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Remember , that's the story I told about how my inner critic dropped the clipboard and Jesus came to me and said there are no grades with me . That was an IFS experience . Peter's going to be leading us through something like that . It's going to be extremely powerful . It's an anti-shaming approach . This conference is going to be awesome . You're going to exchange shame for curiosity , compassion and kindness in a way that's going to be extremely empowering , and I would absolutely love to see you there . Even if you can't come to the whole thing , still register so that you can get access to the replays and come to at least one . I mean , these live sessions are going to be phenomenal . This is the week to stop shaming yourself and learn a different approach . Go to thepornfreemancom , go to the links below this episode . I would love to see you there , even if 2024 is not a porn for a year for you , my friend , always remember you are God's beloved Son . In you he is well-placed .