Speaker 1: 0:31

Welcome to the Husband Material Podcast, where we help Christian men outgrow porn. Why? So you can change your brain, heal your heart and save your relationship. My name is Drew Boa and I'm here to show you how let's go. Today we are talking about sexual symbolism, because the more you understand what is symbolized by the certain things that you find sexually attractive or irresistible, the less power those things will have over you. This is a huge part of outgrowing porn. We've done a number of episodes on this, so I would recommend going down to the description and the show notes and looking at some of the other episodes we've done on sexual fantasies and attractions and fetishes.

Speaker 1: 1:19

Today I'm talking about symbolism. In other words, what does a certain sexual body, part or activity symbolize, and while there are endless varieties of what we find sexually attractive, there are certain patterns and symbols that tend to mean more or less the same thing among various different people. I have heard hundreds of varieties of sexual fantasies and attractions and fetishes, and I've told my story about my sexual fetish for braces and what that symbolized to me and what that promised to my heart. Today, I'm going to talk about seven different sexual symbols and what they usually mean. I'm going to suggest the story and the explanation behind each one of these, because it would be intellectually dishonest and ultimately unhelpful for me to assume that each one of these symbols means the same thing to everybody About husband material. We believe in the power of curiosity and compassion, and that means having a posture of openness and always learning, and also compassion, of not condemning these things but rather seeking to understand them, accept the beauty and goodness within them, while letting go of what's harmful. So here are the seven symbols we will talk about today the penis, breasts, kissing, oral sex, nudity, diapers and feet.

Speaker 1: 3:04

Let's start with the penis. Being extremely aroused by the penis, whether your own or someone else's, is super common, and it's often symbolizing masculinity. The penis and testicles are the part of the male body which is unique to men. It's lacking in women and so, in a way, the most male thing about us, and I often find, while talking with men who are extremely sexually activated by penises, that it symbolizes a kind of masculinity that they believe they don't have, or that they wish they had, or that they never received from their dad. The penis can be a symbol of fatherhood and that masculinity being transferred to you or you being initiated into it and connecting with it. I mean, as a boy, I think it's very normal to want to know what dad's body looks like, and specifically his penis and his testicles, and so the penis can often symbolize a masculine connection, a fathering relationship that you never had or that you've lost or that you've always longed for and remember. This is just one explanation, and I think it's important to note that the penis is an inherently interesting, arousing part of the body that is often featured in porn, because it's beautiful and vulnerable and God made it that way. And if you want to hear more about the unique aspects of the penis, go listen to our episode on the theology of the penis.

Speaker 1: 4:42

Let's move on to number two breasts. As a teenager, I was often turned on by big breasts, and now, as an adult, I can understand more of what that symbolized for me and the many men who I work with who say that they have a thing for boobs. Breasts often symbolize nurture and abundance. When we were little babies, the breasts of a woman provided nourishment physically and nurture emotionally. In our biology, seeing a woman with large breasts communicates that she is able to nourish, she is able to nurture, and so if you grew up in an environment where there wasn't a lot of comfort, there wasn't a lot of emotional intimacy, especially with mom or with women, then breasts might be an especially powerful sexual symbol for you. I also find that breasts can symbolize abundance in the sense that hey, there is enough to provide for you. And sometimes men who have experienced poverty, either financially or relationally, see breasts and it symbolizes that abundance, that sense of oh, there's going to be enough for me, there will not be a lack, there is no scarcity here. These are just some of the storylines that can be underneath a strong sexual attraction to breasts.

Speaker 1: 6:19

The third symbol I want to talk about is kissing, which often symbolizes an intimate, tender connection. Kissing is not as extreme as sexual intercourse and yet, with faces touching, lips which are so tender, coming together, there's something romantic about that that is a deep symbol within our psyche. Think of all of the movies where the kiss is the big moment. As a kid, I fantasized about my first kiss for years. I remember, on my 13th birthday, making a wish when I blew out the candles on my birthday cake and thinking I wish this is the year of my first kiss. And then I made the same wish when I was 14, 15, 16, because kissing was such a powerful symbol for me of being accepted, connected, intimately intertwined with another person. And in that regard, kissing is really not as much about the physical act as much as it is about the emotional experience that you're often aching for underneath that sexual urge.

Speaker 1: 7:37

The fourth symbol for us to explore is oral sex, either giving oral sex to someone else or receiving it from someone else. In the posture of receiving oral sex, you're usually above the other person, and so there is a power dynamic that is real and also symbolic, where you're above the other person and they're servicing you, and this is often a symbol of power, and this type of power over position can be a reversal. If you felt powerless as a boy, helpless, trapped, I felt those things and oral sex was a very strong symbol for me. It also, for me at least, symbolized tremendous amount of sexual pleasure without intercourse, and I think it's important to say that oral sex can also symbolize pleasure, maybe without the type of relational intimacy and connection that you would have in kissing. On the other hand, providing oral sex for another person can symbolize being pleasing, being a delight, being received and enjoyed as a human being. It's something that we all want to be desired, to be wanted, and giving someone else oral sex can symbolize that aspect of being received and being someone who makes another person smile and light up with pleasure.

Speaker 1: 9:08

And I acknowledge there is complexity here and there are all kinds of different story lines that can go along with this. For example, providing oral sex might be a reenactment of sexual abuse that you were forced or coerced to perform. It could also be a way of you feeling like, well, if I do this for the other person, then I will have them and they will have me. And I don't pretend to understand these things perfectly. That's why this episode is so short. And at the same time, I've worked with hundreds of men and these storylines are often coming to the surface when we look deeper into. Okay, what is this symbolizing for you? What is it promising to your heart?

Speaker 1: 9:54

The fifth symbol I wanna talk about is nudity. Nudity, either in exhibitionism, of wanting others to see your body, or also, potentially, in voyeurism, of wanting to see someone else's naked body. It often symbolizes being seen and affirmed. In other words, the physical experience of being seen in all of your parts can be symbolizing being seen as a person. It can point to this underlying longing for vulnerability, either for someone else to be fully vulnerable with you and sharing all that they are with you, or for you to be totally vulnerable and accepted.

Speaker 1: 10:40

And remember, these are just some of the storylines and they're very common, and, at the same time, there are other explanations too. For example, the exhibitionism that I did as a college student, exposing myself to all these different guys in my college dorm, actually came from a story where I was exposed and humiliated at summer camp. There was a huge hole in my crotch and all the other boys and girls were giggling and looking at me behind my back and I looked down and see oh my gosh, they can actually see all of my genitals, and I crumpled to the floor. And so, for me, showing off my penis and genitals was not about being affirmed so much as it was about me reversing what happened to me. So there was a very specific trauma that was behind. That for me Might not be the same for someone else, and so, as we talk about these symbols, just keep in mind that this is not a formula, this is not science, although I think there are scientific and physical aspects of this.

Speaker 1: 11:49

Remember that every trigger tells a story and our fantasies can make so much sense when we see the symbolism of specific types of porn or sexual imagery or stimulation that doesn't just feel attractive but overwhelming or irresistible. And beginning to explore the symbolism behind your specific sexual arousal can help you get in touch with your deeper desires. And when you get aroused by that type of thing or person or activity or type of porn, you can translate in your head and say, oh, it's not about the sex, it's about the symbolism, it's about what that type of porn or what that type of person is promising to your heart and man. When you can embrace your sexual desires for the meaning behind them and see the story behind them, they can lose a lot of their power. I want to talk about two more sexual symbols. Number six is diapers. You might be able to guess this one pretty easily. Diapers often symbolize a return to childhood, maybe freedom from the responsibility and the pressure of adult life, or perhaps going back and getting what you needed but didn't have when you were really little. Being taken care of, being attended to, having a loving, safe type of experience is often at the core of why diapers are significant. Or it could be a way of reversing or undoing what was done to you in diapers or what should have been done but wasn't done.

Speaker 1: 13:42

Lastly, I want to talk about a fetish that has eluded me for many years and I still want to learn more about it A foot fetish. It's one of the most common ones that you can often hear about. Feet contain so many nerve endings. That's why they can be so ticklish and sometimes bring a sexual excitement and charge. And yet sometimes there's a deeper story behind why feet have such a charge to them. In a video which I'm linking in the description for this episode, I heard someone give a really moving explanation of how a foot fetish can develop, and this is just one story line. When you're a kid crawling around on the floor, you see feet. So for a little baby boy, having access to mom's feet means that she's in the room, she's here with me, she's close to me, I have love, I have attention, my needs are met here, and I think all sexual symbols at some level provide a promise of meeting a legitimate need in a symbolic way. There are so, so, so many sexual symbols, and you know what? I don't pretend to understand all of them, and I'm sure you can think of more, such as a hairy chest or a big beard, or a beautiful smile, or blonde hair or a specific skin color or a specific age. I mean, all of these are not just pleasurable, they're powerful because of the meaning that we ascribe to them, the story that is being told in our head subconsciously, whether we realize it or not.

Speaker 1: 15:34

Inside Husband Material Academy, we are going deep into making connections between our story and our sexuality every week. It's incredibly powerful. This is part of the video course, it's part of some of our coaching calls, and Husband Material Academy is opening up in January just a few weeks away and I would love to see you there at our launch. So if you've never done HMA before, january is your best time to jump in. This was a little bite-sized introduction to the topic. I hope it gives you some ideas to explore for yourself. Talk about it with your trusted friends on this journey and begin to discover more and more of the story and the symbolism behind your sexual arousal. Next week's episode, we are going to go even deeper into this topic with my dear friend, dr Doug Carpenter, as we demonstrate how to analyze a sexual fantasy in depth. It will be very vulnerable. It will be very powerful and if you love this episode, stick around until next week and always remember you are God's beloved Son and you, he is well pleased.