Understanding Shame and Self-Contempt

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Welcome to the Husband Material podcast , where we help Christian men outgrow porn . Why ? So you can change your brain , heal your heart and save your relationship . My name is Drew Boa and I'm here to show you how let's go . Today we are talking about shame and self-contempt , because the most powerful emotion fueling attachment to porn is shame , especially when that shame gets infected and turns into self-contempt . Shame is an emotion , it's a normal human emotion . Self-contempt is a commitment to your own punishment . So today you will learn how do shame and self-contempt work , how do you heal ? And , if you stay to the end , you will hear a story of shame from my life about something that I have never shared publicly until now . So what is shame ?

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Some people like to make the distinction between guilt and shame . Saying guilt means I did something bad . Shame means I am bad , and in this sense , we want to embrace a sense of guilt where it's appropriate and reject this sense of shame , which is inappropriate , because you are not bad , you are God's beloved Son and you he's well pleased . And yes , we also hurt ourselves and we hurt others , and porn is one of the ways we do that , and so it is appropriate and actually important for us to feel a sense of conviction about our actions and it's also important to be rooted in our identity so that guilt-shame distinction can be helpful . And yet a part of me kind of recoils against that distinction , because sometimes shame gets a really bad rap . Sometimes shame is seen as the worst emotion , like if you feel shame , obviously evil has a hold on you . And that is not necessarily the case . Shame is simply your brain trying to tell you something , and that's the case with any emotion fear , anger , loneliness . Your brain is sending a signal and sharing some really important information with you .

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Let me give you an example . Imagine you are a boy starting your first day of school and as you look around your classroom after a while you notice huh , looks like I'm not as tall as everyone else , or looks like I'm the only one here with dark skin , or I guess I'm the only boy who doesn't like sports , or maybe I'm the only boy with certain sexual attractions . And in that moment you feel shame . Your face turns red , your shoulders slump , your eyes look down , your body freezes up or shuts down , and that shame is like your brain telling you there is an open wound that needs to be addressed . Or maybe when you were a boy , it was the shame of using pornography or being exposed to pornography and not being able to talk about that with anyone .

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Well , naturally , when you are little and when you feel like you are on your own in the area of sexuality or any other area where you feel shame , our natural instinct is to cover it up . So naturally , as we grow up , we develop strategies to cover our shame , as it were . Just like Adam and Eve in the garden realizing they're naked , exposed , feeling shame , they cover themselves with fig leaves . We also cover over our shame kind of like a scab on that open cut . And our strategies for dealing with shame might include getting small , staying quiet , hiding , maybe even lying , like if somebody says , hey , are you okay ? And you say , oh , yeah , yeah , it's fine , I'm fine , when in reality you're actually feeling rejected or ashamed or humiliated .

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Another strategy might be to counter the shame by vowing to be successful In school or in sports , or even spiritually . We can use these good things as a way to deal with shame . So even your spiritual life can be based on shame , trying to be the good Christian boy or in any area of life . Often times perfectionism and performance has that root of shame , and these strategies are like scabs covering over those wounds . Another strategy for dealing with shame is not getting small and quiet , but being loud and proud , maybe being loud and proud about your shame . That is something that I actually did Many times as a boy . When others were laughing at me or making fun of me , I would join in with them . I would make fun of myself and on the outside that might look like , oh , he's really confident in securing himself , but actually I am cutting myself . Now I am shaming myself and others might have a similar reaction . But instead of shaming yourself , you decided to shame others , reject others and humiliate others out of that core wound of not wanting to experience shame yourself . So we have all kinds of ways that we deal with shame and you know what those strategies can help us fit in , avoid rejection , prevent further humiliation and survive bullying . Have you ever considered that some of the shame messages you've believed may have actually protected you ?

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Sometimes we use porn to deal with shame . Sometimes we use sexual recovery and purity culture as a way of trying to be good enough , trying to distance ourselves from shame , because we don't want to act out and we know , if we act out , that we're going to feel so much shame . And these surface level strategies can stop the bleeding . But if the wound is never healed , then shame gets infected . It becomes chronic shame , carried shame or , my favorite way to say it , is toxic shame . You can picture a wound opened up by shame turning into the scar tissue of self-contempt . Shame is soft and tender . Self-contempt is tough and hardened . Shame wants to people please . Shame wants to be good enough . Self-contempt has given up on that . Self-contempt wants you to be punished and to believe that you don't deserve good things . You deserve the hurt and the harm

The Simple Formula For Healing Shame

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and the punishment of pornography . So shame and self-contempt work together to keep us trapped in our sexually self-destructive behaviors .

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So how do you heal ? How do you heal shame and self-contempt ? There was a time when I was feeling intense shame and I felt it all throughout my body . So I just started shaking it off , literally Like the Taylor Swift song shake it off , shake it off , off , off . I mean that really helped to physically release the shame of your body . And also it's important to address the relational ruptures that occur . And if you've been carrying shame around for a long time or if you have a secret that you've never fully told anyone . Here is the simple formula Vulnerability plus connection . I know that's super simple , but it really really works . And , by the way , this formula is both really helpful for when you experience a shame storm and you don't want it to get infected , and it's really helpful if you have been carrying a secret for many , many years . You feel a lot of shame and it's already infected and you want to clean it out . So this can prevent our wounds from getting worse and it can address wounds that we already have . Here's the simple formula Vulnerability plus connection .

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Let's start with the word vulnerability . This word comes from the Latin word volnaus , which means wound . So to be vulnerable is to be woundable . It's to open up that cut . It's to allow someone access to the hurt , to the rejection , to the humiliation that I feel within myself .

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Vulnerability is not the same thing as transparency . Transparency is important , but it's not the same as vulnerability . Think about it like going to an exhibit at the zoo . Let's say you're going to visit the lions . In between you and the lions is a thick piece of glass . Transparency means that barrier is clear and you can see through it , like you can see the lions very clearly . Vulnerability is taking away the glass . Now you are woundable . Now there is nothing between you and potentially getting hurt . That is vulnerability . So you can be transparent with people and be sharing all these details about your life . But there is still a barrier there Until you share the level of detail that would allow you to possibly be rejected . Now , vulnerability is only the first part of this formula , because when you take away that glass , you really can get hurt . You really can get re-traumatized . So you want to make sure that you're vulnerable with people who will respond to you with acceptance , appreciation , empathy , understanding , curiosity and compassion .

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I'm summarizing all of that in the word connection . When you can open up your wounds , when you can open up your shame , beliefs and your self-contempt to somebody who responds to you with connection wow , it is so healing , it is so redemptive . As Brené Brown , the shame researcher , says , shame cannot survive being spoken and met with empathy . Every time you're vulnerable and you receive connection , the healing goes a little deeper and , in this sense , feeling shame can actually be an amazing opportunity to experience real intimacy with other people . When it doesn't get infected through silence and secrecy and isolation , when it leads you into vulnerability and connection with others , shame can be a way of opening up your heart , both to you and to others , and I actually see shame as a gift when I experience it .

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I'd love to be very clear what I mean . I do not appreciate the experiences that cause me to feel shame . I could do without more rejection and humiliation in my life . What I do appreciate is how feeling that shame is a clue to my heart and it shows me what I really need . I might not have been aware that something hurt me unless I felt shame about it . I might not have been aware that something was really important to me unless I felt shame about it . You know , shame can actually show us how much we care . Have you ever thought of that ?

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Here's a quote from Dr Kelly McGonagall , who says we often interpret the strength of the shame as a sign of how truly bad we are or what's truly wrong with us . Instead , I think we should learn to read that intensity as a metric of how much and how deeply we care . Now , that quote was a little complicated and hard to understand , so let me simplify it for you . When we feel intense shame , we usually think I am such a bad person , what's wrong with me , and it leads into self-contempt . Instead , when you feel that intense shame , think to yourself I've been cut off from something that I really care about and this matters to my heart . I need vulnerability and connection . I know that is kind of a difficult shift to make .

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Let me give you an example of how I am processing shame in my life right now . Recently , in a husband material small group , I shared a detail I have never told anyone before , specifically sexual fantasies about a member of my family . I have masturbated to this person many times and this is essentially incest born . I opened up to my small group about this and they responded with acceptance , appreciation , validation , understanding and my shame was the doorway to deeper healing . So I can say thank you , shame , for showing me my heart . Thank you , shame , for leading me into vulnerability and connection . Now that you have done your work , I can let you go . That's how you heal shame , and when shame has completed its job of showing you where you've been cut off and reconnecting you relationally , then it becomes so much easier to also let go of self-contempt . When you have received extravagant love from God through other people , it empowers you . When you do this healing work , you might find that your commitment to contempt can shift towards a commitment to kindness , and that is what we are all about here at husband material .

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Unfortunately , there are some poor recovery ministries out there that use shame as a weapon . For example , every time you masturbate , snapping a rubber band on your wrist . Guys shaming yourself or others is never okay . Instead of using shame as a weapon , let's use it as a window into where we need to heal , because there is nothing quite like sharing a deep , dark secret with another person who responds to you with everything your soul has been longing for . So the next time you feel shame , don't condemn yourself . Instead , approach that vulnerable part of your heart with curiosity and compassion , find a safe place to open up and receive connection and , my friend , you will experience deeper healing and freedom from the power . Always remember you are God's beloved Son and you he is well pleased .