Speaker 1: 0:31

Welcome to the Husband Material podcast, where we help Christian men outgrow porn. Why? So you can change your brain, heal your heart and save your relationship. My name is Drew Boa and I'm here to show you how Let's go. Hey man, thank you for listening to my interview with Candace Christy-Anson. She is a sex relationship and intimacy expert who specializes in working with neurodivergent individuals and couples. Whether you have ADD, adhd, autism, asperger's or you're close to someone who does, you are going to get so much out of this episode. It is a game changer. We talk about what it means to be different, not deficient. We also talk about how autism and ADHD can really set up unwanted sexual behavior. Candace also provides some really delightful examples of what it looks like to move forward into healing. Enjoy the episode. Today on the show we have Candace Christy-Anson, who is a courageous trailblazer, the founder of Namaste Center for Healing. She is autistic, adhd and a neurodifferent thought leader in the sexual recovery world. Welcome, candace.

Speaker 2: 1:46

Hi, thanks for having me, Drew.

Speaker 1: 1:49

You're welcome. I'm really excited because we got to know each other through that IFS consultation group. I'm really excited for people to learn from you. What do they need to know that I didn't share?

Speaker 2: 2:03

Oh my gosh, that's loaded. I do a lot of dispelling myths around autism in particular, and so, especially in adults, dispelling myths, I would say, so that people know that we're different, not deficient.

Speaker 1: 2:25

Yes, what does it mean for people with ADHD or autism to be different, not deficient?

Speaker 2: 2:36

The focus has tended to be on deficiency for a diagnosis Autism spectrum disorder, attention deficit disorder. The reality is I could go on for probably days about this. First, i think that it shouldn't be in the diagnostic statistical manual, which has been our go-to manual for diagnosing, because it's not a quote. Mental illness, however, oftentimes it gets lumped in that category. Deficiency looks at pathology, whereas we're looking at neurological differences in the brain. Truly, adhd, add, low levels of dopamine There are neurobiological components to both autism and ADHD. I look at it that way. There's a difference in our brains and our autonomic nervous systems are impacted. It's not a deficiency.

Speaker 2: 3:39

I often will challenge the way the neuromajority communicates and operates and behaves, because whoever in the ethers created these social rules, they don't actually make a lot of sense to me. For instance, i'm considered as an autistic person to have a deficiency in communicating because I don't understand nuanced communication, where there's assumptions that I'm supposed to figure out. But to me, poor communication is nuanced communication. Clear communication let's just say it directly is actually really good communication. So that's just an example.

Speaker 1: 4:19

It makes a lot of sense. What are some of those differences?

Speaker 2: 4:23

Sensory-wise. I would say and I'll talk about for both autistic and ADD, ADHD folks that the world is kind of like a constant airport. Now, for some folks that are autistic, add or ADHD, they need more of the airport, more noise, more sound, more light. Give me, give me, give me all of it. More people because of hyposensitivity, for instance, those individuals like me, though. I'm very sensory sensitive, so the environment and airport is just too much for me. And if I have my earbuds and I can definitely manage better, but I get very exhausted at a mall, i get exhausted at outings. It's just too much. So that's a big one And that's that is a primary one. I would say that so many people don't understand, especially those that are in sexual recovery, which we can talk about. So that's a big one because there's a lot of sensory seeking behavior to sensory soothe, to soothe that anxiety, to soothe that discomfort. So, and then another one too is that emotional dysregulation piece. That actually is one that's very common for ADD, adhd folks being struggling with emotional dysregulation and finding themselves quite reactive. I should say finding ourselves quite reactive in situations, being pretty emotional, even if it feels like it's over the top for the situation, so having to do a lot of work to press on our vagal break, if you will, to actually calm our systems down, and I do experience that, i believe too, as an autistic person. Just there's just a lot. So that emotional dysregulation piece is common.

Speaker 2: 6:24

And one last thing I'll say too is we could say you know communication, but I say but because communication, i think, is it's truly a two-way street And so you know the kind of the theme and diagnosing autism, for instance, is Mrs Social Cues and you know, doesn't understand what's going on around in that kind of regard. But again, it's like really we just communicate differently, our brains are searching for different things And I'm actually quite intuitive because of the energy around and I'm taking in a lot of energy. A lot of autistic people are, and so but then if we call something out, oftentimes we've been gaslighted. So then we start to question our truth and reality Or we're seen as like you're rude, you know, and we're being direct about it. So there's a lot of questioning of what we feel, because we are very sensitive and feeler.

Speaker 2: 7:25

So I was going to talk about rejection, sensitivity, because that's a big one, especially on the ADD, adhd side, that really perceived sense of rejection. It's a traumatic response in the body and some folks will feel so traumatized by being rejected or perceiving rejection They'll actually move into feeling suicidal. So they'll have suicidal parts that will actually get activated as a response to that feeling in their body of being rejected. So I'm giving a few examples that are different, i think, from the common kind of you know, like stereotype of what autism and ADHD ADD quote look like, because I think, especially in adults, they don't necessarily look a specific way. But I want to just kind of spice it up for your audience that might be wondering.

Speaker 1: 8:19

Totally Yeah that rejection sensitivity dysphoria is totally new concept to me And I never thought it was connected to ADD, which I also have, or ADHD.

Speaker 2: 8:35

Yeah, so you'll want to look into that. There's a great actually. I'll send you the link. There's a great video clip about it and it's just. I've had people cry like because they're just like that's me, i didn't know what was going on. When they see the video, it's like it really is relieving to see. Oh, that's what this is. You know, you go into a conversation with your partner and you're just ready for World War Three. It's like you're preparing yourself to get rejected, right, and so you have these parts that armor up because you're ready. It's fascinating.

Speaker 2: 9:10

Meg Martinez, dead a Monte, is our chief program officer at Namaste and she and I wrote a chapter in an upcoming book. Jenna Ramirez, my lovely IFS, certified IFS Yes, jenna, she is the editor of it and the leaders and IFS it's just specific topics on IFS with special populations. So we've written a chapter on neurodivergence and IFS and I say that specifically because we talk about hardware versus software and software would be parts. Hardware is what's going on in our brain, that the neuro difference, right, but we do talk about rejection, sensitivity and the reality of that right For folks that are autistic and ADD, adhd. So, anyway, enough about that.

Speaker 1: 10:05

Awesome. And, by the way, guys, i'm putting all the links to the resources that Candice is sharing with me and that we're talking about in the show notes, so please go check those out if you want to go deeper. I'm really interested in learning about how these things can affect sexual recovery.

Speaker 2: 10:23

Well, to talk about affecting sexual recovery, let's talk about how they affect people in terms of sexual behavior, right? So if we look at someone that has a lower level of dopamine, they're constantly dopamine seeking. And then you add in the component of being curious, right, maybe there's some co-occurring stuff going on with depression, anxiety, which is really common especially for autistic folks. And so you know, you're curious, you get online, you're lonely, i know, especially for a lot of autistic individuals. I can think of a lot of autistic men that I worked with that feel this isolation, loneliness, really are struggling to connect And they realize that, oh, porn, wow, porn, there's porn, right? So, stressed out, you know, like really struggling to be in their body, completely alone, isolated, no one to talk, to get on, and it's like, wow, this feels really good.

Speaker 1: 11:28

So porn provides relief from the sensory overwhelm.

Speaker 2: 11:31

Sensory overwhelm for sure, right, a sense of stress reduction. It's when we talk about stimming like I'm stimming right now with this little kind of spiky ring Stimming is a real, foundational way that for autistic and ADD-ADHD folks to stay in our bodies, right. People might think it's fidgeting, but it's foundational for me to be focusing on you and able to concentrate and finish a sentence and not feel like my brain's all over the place. Well, let's add in masturbation. Masturbation is a tactile stim. Let's add in porn Porn's a visual stim. Add in video games visual stim, right. Let's add in substances for people that have co-occurring or food addiction oral stim, right. And all of those are meant to soothe the autonomic nervous system that for neurodifferent folks are often so dysregulated We are often on the high end of sympathetic arousal, so being in a low level of anxiety all the time. You know brain's going 100 miles an hour. You know, you said ADHD, yeah, so you know that very similar brain. In that regard It's like 100 miles. I will fight, sleep, fight. I'm exhausted, just fight my brain, right. One more thing I just want to visually stim. Read one more thing before pet. It's like, right, right.

Speaker 2: 13:04

So there's a lot of components that go into folks that are neurodifferent, that you know struggle with the component, for instance, of sex. It feels good too. There's that added component of you get a huge dopamine rush. If you orgasm afterwards, right, so you're sensory seeking, perhaps you masturbate to porn. Then you get this huge dopamine rush, which is this like this kind of like reaffirming to your brain Like, yes, that's the go to. And then, but unfortunately for a lot of neurodifferent folks, especially when we're talking about porn, there's this misunderstanding that porn isn't real, real relationship. It's not. That's actually like real sex. Even That's not intimacy, right. So in that regard, that can cause a struggle.

Speaker 2: 13:59

The second thing I want to say to folks that are listening that there's this theme that I see with folks that struggle with problematic sexual behavior, who are neurodifferent, and that really is around transactional behavior. Transactions. So paying for a massage and erotic massage, you know, going to a stroke club. So there's this like exchange I pay you cash or I pay you money, you give me. So there's this, it's low pressure, because I don't have to talk to you if I don't want to, i don't have to give you eye contact. I give you money, you literally do what I say.

Speaker 2: 14:35

It's very removed, which for a lot of folks, especially autistic folks, can be relieving in that there's just like there's so much pressure in our world to engage socially And we're judged so often when we're looking down or looking around. If this is on video and people can see me, i have to look around. I can't stare at you because my autonomic nervous system is already dysregulated So if I stare at you I'm gonna be fully in fight or flight. So for transactional sex for instance, it's just low pressure. So how can that affect folks in recovery? right, so it's really rewiring the brain to how can you find ways to soothe yourself when you are on overwhelm, besides going towards your phone or a screen, which is hard because we all live on our phone, we all live on our screen, everyone's working remote. You know It's like so it's really.

Speaker 2: 15:42

You know my partner is studying psychoneuroimmunology, which is brain-body connection, and does talks a lot about the neuropsychal of addiction and really says if you're feeling activated because when we're we can feel really overloaded pretty easily and then I'm talking to you all day on my computer or whatever for work, and then I forget to eat, i forget to go to the bathroom, i forget to drink water. I mean, these are common things. How do we switch that? How do we calm our nervous systems down? We have to move. We need to get up and move. If I'm stressed out and I don't get up and move my body, cortisol will stay in my body for up to 48 hours And that can be an utter nightmare, because cortisol is a stress response. Right, and have you been stressed out before where you don't get up and even just go walk? Hey, i gotta get out of this room. I gotta move out of the space. Something. I've gotta do something different.

Speaker 1: 16:39

Yeah, it feels like a cut that's getting infected.

Speaker 2: 16:42

It is a cut that's getting infected. But we do it so often. I mean, i'm guilty of doing it where I'm feeling stressed already and I'm like I've gotta just get one more thing done on the computer and then I'm like have a meltdown. And meltdowns and shutdowns are common. For those of us that are neurodifferent, a meltdown is this outward expression of blah. It was like ah, i can't do this anymore, it's too much. And then a shutdown is really like withdrawing from the world. I just wanna go inward and like hide from the world. It's too much.

Speaker 2: 17:12

So there's a lot of things that we have to do. One is movement is really really important, really important. Even if you pace back and forth. Exercise helps us so much to change our psychology. We must change our physiology. We have to get up and move. So staying planted in front of our screens for folks that are addicted to screens, right Yes, is really damaging. So getting away from our screens, finding a way to get away And when it's cold outside I get it find a way $10 to pay for a gym pass, like something that you can do to replace that. You know, i wish I could say like meditate and things. Now I have a meditation practice. Finally, but for those of us that have brains that go a hundred miles an hour I don't know about you, drew, but it's hard to meditate- Yeah, one minute is a win.

Speaker 1: 18:13

For me, one minute is a victory.

Speaker 2: 18:14

And you know what. You can do it one minute Like there's. I have insight timer and they have one to three minutes, so I love that. you just said that I do well with guided meditation. I do well if I'm guided right Routines we really need solid routine, structure and schedules.

Speaker 1: 18:32

Can you say more about that? Because rules and routine are a big deal, But I think to some people they might sound legalistic.

Speaker 2: 18:40

So, as much as I wish I could operate spontaneously and just go with the flow in my life, no, it takes a total village to make sure I function properly.

Speaker 2: 18:53

And well, not properly what's proper, But well, and I will say that I today, i knew I had a call with you at 1030, so I had to map out my schedule because if I don't Drew, i'm a mess. I'm a mess, and a lot of us that are neurodifferent are struggle with that. We do very well, even though we might fight it, we may not want to schedule. We do really well with schedules and routines, and so do folks in recovery, because life gets really unmanageable and out of control for folks that are having any sort of addiction, right, and so we in recovery folks need schedules and routines. Okay, i'm going to go to a meeting tonight. It's this time every night. I've got to call with my sponsor, this time every night. Okay, i'm going to work from this time to this time.

Speaker 2: 19:47

Another thing that's really important is for me, i have interception, and I know I don't know if you experienced this either, or to I'd rather, but I get so hyper-focused. This is a similarity between those of us that are 80D, 80hd and autism. We get so hyper-focused on something we love, we forget to eat food, we don't even feel it till we're dying of hunger To drink water And till we're literally like I'm thirsty. I'm going to die. We're going to the bathroom for hours, seriously. So my point is like It relates, yeah.

Speaker 2: 20:24

Scheduling time to say here's my lunch break. I'm taking an actual lunch break and not an eat to work lunch break. But like I will go sit in a different chair, some away from my computer, turn some music on and just enjoy my food and just brain chill time Actually helps us be more productive during the day. It's a form of self-care too. All kinds of good stuff.

Speaker 1: 20:51

Yeah, these are some really great life hacks, i think, especially for those of us who are neurodifferent, and also for those of us who are married to those who are neurodifferent or maybe your friends are neurodifferent Like, how can we embrace these neurodifferences?

Speaker 2: 21:11

Look at it as a culture. If you're French and I'm German and we speak different languages, what would we do? Right, we'd be kind, patient, we might want to teach each other some words. Right, we'd find commonalities. We'd honor our differences. Autism, adhd and ADHD, tourettes, dyspraxia, dyslexia, schizoids, schizophrenia, the neurodifferences there's a lot more that go under the category of neurodivergence. It's a culture. It's just a different way that the brain is working. Right. If we can look at it as that and be curious and show compassion, those eight C's stay connected. Seek to understand. It's like my partner, chris, and I have done a lot of work around that where he is diagnosed as PTSD, that for him he'll have trauma response. He has to walk up and down, he has to move his body when he's anxious. Then he knows how to communicate with me, where I'm a very quick processor 100 miles an hour, as you've seen. Here's all this information. He needs a lot of kick. Can we pause? Can we take it in?

Speaker 1: 22:36

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 22:36

I'm like chop chop internally, chop chop. Yes, i can pause. It's just different culture. No one has a better way of communicating than the other. It's just different.

Speaker 1: 22:50

Right, you not only work with individuals, but you work with couples who are mixed in neuro type.

Speaker 2: 22:58

Yeah, mixed are same, even those that are same neuro type. Same neuro type might be autism, adhd, similar neuro type, right Where it's like neuro different under the neurodivergent category. But working with a mixed neuro type, again, we do a lot. I say we because Chris and I offer an eight week neurodiverse couples class, so we offer a lot of what I'm sharing with you to that class. The partners that are considered not neurodivergent walk into the class.

Speaker 2: 23:36

Oftentimes it's like, can you fix my partner? And that really is a harmful way to view a person and a relationship. So, especially when we're talking about brain type, like difference in brain type, so we do a lot of just real gentle education around that for mixed neuro type couples, especially weaving in just types of communicators. There are different types of communicators in mixed neuro type relationships. There's also a neuro different love language, like a whole set, like different types that are neuro different, like I'll give an example parallel play, which is it's called body doubling too, but that doesn't really resonate with my brain. Parallel play means like Chris and I, for instance, can be in the same room doing our own thing, but that's quality time to us Because we're just near each other.

Speaker 1: 24:38

You are speaking my language. That is my love language, right there.

Speaker 2: 24:42

Yeah, but we feel connected. It's just like he's watching TV and I've got my journal out and I'm reading a little and I'm just we're just chilling. We're not really talking, but we feel we're just hanging out and it feels comfy. It doesn't have to be staring at each other's eyes all the time. It's like no, we feel we just know that that's what works for us.

Speaker 1: 25:10

So that's one example of feeling connected, but it looks very, very different from what might help someone else feel connected.

Speaker 2: 25:19

Yes, and what's interesting is some mixed and same neuro type couples, like the standard love languages, for instance. Right, so it's like service. Some will say I do like it when you do this for me, right? It's not like every single neuro different person likes this or everything. We do have differences and autism and ADD. Adhd and adults especially, it does not look a certain way. I try and remind people of that And we haven't talked about this. I'll just give a little bit, because I wrote a book about our sexual sensory profile. It's an ebook. You can get it on our website.

Speaker 2: 26:02

We don't just have a sensory profile. All humans have a sexual sensory profile And those of us that are neurodifferent are either hyper or hypersensitive to certain things. So you know, there might be like might be too hot in the bedroom, or the texture of the sheets might be really uncomfortable, or, you know, like the lighting it might be too bright, or the way that candle smells, right, it can be a turn on or turn off, and so when we're talking about that intimacy and connection first, it's so much more than sex That happens outside the bedroom intimacy and connection, which helps inside the bedroom. But it's also really important to have that conversation because I work with too many same and mixed neuro type couples that will say I'm just not interested, i don't want them to touch me, or I just don't want to be in the bedroom, or it's. And then we get to their sexual sensory profile and they're completely different.

Speaker 2: 27:00

It's similar to love languages. You know, if you're offering acts of service and your partner wants physical touch, you're missing the ballpark. You're out of. You're way out. You're way out left field.

Speaker 1: 27:14

Yeah, so we need to learn each other, because each of us has a culture, a sexual sensory profile a way that our brains work. Yes, and no matter who it is, even if it's just a friend.

Speaker 2: 27:29

Yes, yeah. When I tell my close friends I have this beautiful tribe of women now I'm autistic, they don't say anything. But I don't think they understand it at all. You know, the beautiful thing about it is that they're very honoring and loving of me as I am, and not once have I been like have any of them said, well, no, you're not. You communicate so well, or you're married or, which is so offensive, because you know I've had that throughout the years You give eye contact, you're too social.

Speaker 1: 28:05

Yeah, Let's talk about that, because some people use the language high functioning, low functioning.

Speaker 2: 28:12

Yeah, functioning labels cause harm. So, for anyone listening, stop using functioning labels. I have not received the support I've needed because I look like I quote, function too well to be neurodifferent, right? So? so functioning labels are so harmful to us. You know, what people don't see is that like perhaps we have hygiene issues or I forget to eat, or I'll eat the same thing over and over for five popcorn, breakfast, lunch and dinner. It's like there's there's struggles that we each have, that if you only talk to me for 50 minutes, you're not necessarily going to see, but if you're a fly on the wall, you come to my house, you spend 24 hours. You're going to start to see that I have support needs. They might be different from someone else, you know, but I might have more support needs than someone who is non communicative, that's autistic and doesn't communicate. Just if you lay out our story, you never know. So I, i and so many autism advocates say please, please we talk about this in our chapter. Please stop using functioning labels functional or functioning labels. They're so harmful.

Speaker 1: 29:37

Yeah, it might be used with good intentions to try to affirm someone.

Speaker 2: 29:41

Yes, oh, you're high, functioning, it's like. So you just don't know that, i just am, you know. Another thing too is letting each of us choose how we want to be, how we want our diagnosis to be discussed. So I'm autistic? I'm not, i don't have autism, you know. It's not a disease to be cured. I'm autistic and I identify as that, right, and so I'm ADHD. But you might say I, you know I have ADHD, and that you get to honor. I honor how you say it, because that's your choice of taking on that label, right. And so I always just really encourage people, if we're looking at this as a culture, to be sensitive to how does the person with the diagnosis want to be, how do they want that to be discussed, right?

Speaker 1: 30:39

That makes a lot of sense. So, whatever language the person is using, honor it. Yep, honoring that, yeah. And as you look at your own story of all the twists and turns, where are you currently at?

Speaker 2: 30:58

Where am I currently at? Oh, drew, i've had quite a journey, i will say I, where am I at right now? I am in working through some shadow stuff, if I'm completely honest. So I have done a lot of my own personal work. So IFS therapy over the years and then I was introduced to the medicine, so that psilocybin MDMA, after having a life-threatening diagnosis basically the day before Thanksgiving last year and went on like a holistic kind of journey that way.

Speaker 2: 31:46

So where I'm at in my own process, i will say, is just getting back to that 101 self-care. I mean, this morning I literally did like three meditations, i got a really early art opening yoga. I've been connecting with my teenage parts because they're really pissed off right now and I've got, you know they're forward and like we need to be heard. It's like I hear you, my loves, i'm here for you. But they show up very somatically for me, like stomach burning, chest pain, you know. So that's where I'm at. And then to me that's more important, i think, than professionally, because if I'm not in my center then my world is just kind of a storm And so.

Speaker 2: 32:33

But Nama State is just continuing to blossom and bloom. Like I said, we have a chapter coming out? Gosh, it should be coming out. The edits are done. So you know, just doing some presenting and continuing to have just a blossoming center And people are coming in from all over to do intensives. Where we actually do center around, we have a neuroinclusive approach. So we have a neuroinclusive approach to IFS. So we draw a lot, yeah, a lot of people into that where we can support folks and just really stay in, connected to my wise and well ancestors as they help me heal, as I support others in healing their legacy burdens. So that's where I'm at.

Speaker 1: 33:18

Thank you so much. Could you say more about Nama State and maybe some of your favorite resources on these topics?

Speaker 2: 33:26

Oh my gosh, yeah. Nama State Center for Healing. we're a holistic healing center in Mill Creek, Utah, that's about 15, 20 minutes from Salt Lake We offer our primary focus is working with intimacy issues. We work with a lot of Native American which I am very connected to Lakota, the Lakota Indian tribe. My husband is part Lakota, so we work with a lot of Indian tribes that come to us for healing. We work with a lot of neurodifferent individuals and couples that come to us for healing for intimacy issues, addiction issues, so substance abuse primarily we work with a lot of first responders because my husband's retired law enforcement.

Speaker 2: 34:11

We do so. not only do we do the CARNS task approach for recovering from problematic sexual behavior, we do IFS. I'm level one IFS trained. so is MAG, our CPO. So we offer that EMDR. all of our clinicians our EMDR trained or informed, i think, except for one. We have a yoga therapist that's part of our program, especially our intensive program a Reiki sound healer. And we offer Reiki and sound. if folks don't know what that is, it's a beautiful hands-on kind of healing energy in our bodies And then sound healing heals so much of our body on a different level And then my partner is actually gonna go through ketamine training next week so that we can begin to provide safe ketamine. Utah unfortunately has a bad rap for folks that are facilitating the ketamine treatments, just not doing it in a way that keeps people safe. So we're really excited to be able to offer that to highly traumatized folks that really are resistant to traditional treatment, especially the first responders in the vet. So ketamine in a way, that is, you have someone right there with you holding space and supporting you. So, yeah, we just do a lot.

Speaker 2: 35:37

Resources on our resource page I have a neurodivergent resource page, so I do have a lot of resources on that page And in the left-hand column, folks that I kind of fan over that I've met on LinkedIn. I have on there some books I'll just throw out there on masking autism is a really great one, really great one Divergent Mind by Janara Nurenberg. that is excellent. That's for women. however, holy cow, the resources in that book are incredible. I mean those are two. there are so many resources out there, though. Check out my, check out our website and you'll folks can see.

Speaker 1: 36:19

so Yes, and we're putting the links in the show notes. Candice, what is your favorite thing about healing?

Speaker 2: 36:29

Oh my gosh, that people can heal and that people do heal. If you're asking me, this is one of those autism things. Am I reading what he's saying, right? If you're asking me, like, what is my favorite thing about helping people heal? It's that people can heal, right? One of the biggest things I'm working on right now is how do I stay in my heart space and in a space of love, because it's the highest vibration and love is the medicine that like. Ultimately, how can I stay in a vibration of love when my system is feeling so much pain in order to help those parts of me heal in the way that they need to heal? And so, yeah, the fact that people can heal and do heal I see it is really powerful And the fact that love ultimately is the medicine has been a game changer for me. So tapping people into that through IFS, right And other forms of beautiful healing, the indigenous healing wisdom that we tap into at Namaste, and just connecting to that beautiful love that is out there, has been just utterly divine.

Speaker 1: 37:42

Awesome. Thank you so much.

Speaker 2: 37:44

Yeah, thanks Drew.

Speaker 1: 37:47

You're welcome. That was awesome And guys always remember you are God's beloved son and you he is well pleased You.